Trying…and failing

I feel for every step I take in the forward direction I then go either backwards or sideways several steps. I refuse to complain to my friends anymore (like they want to hear it) & I only allow myself to be a little sad when I speak with my mom (no reason for her to feel bad living far away). The scary part and what I think is probably most unhealthy is that I could really see myself getting back together with him. Wtf is wrong with me? He hasn’t called. Its been over 3 weeks. Its not happening. But when I wake up every morning at 4am feeling sick its little thoughts like that help the anxiety pass. Give me little bouts of sleep til my alarm. And we all know those couples who DID break up only to get back together & it works. Am I crazy?

Yesterday I met coffee guy for some tennis after work. With all my recent weight loss I look good in the outfits but my stamina…please. 30 minutes of hitting did me in. Plus allergies down here are awful right now so that’s not helping. He wanted to eat so not being a pooper I agreed. He’s quite chatty so dinner was ok but really drawn out. At this point I suddenly realize how much I miss my ex & this was what we used to do…the anxiety starts to kick in plus being a long day. We call it quits but not before he’s trying to make more plans. I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship or commitment, it’s just not where I am right now & if he wants to do things like tennis or such great but I understand if he’d rather not. I think he may have been a little taken back but he called later to apologize for being so forward. I assured him he wasn’t and that I just wanted to be upfront. I think we may end up being just friends but who knows. I have found guys to be fickle…if its not working how they envision they get pissed & peace out.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the ear dr. My ears have been plugged for a month. I know some of it is the pollen but from past times I know stress does it too. How funny when I get extremely stressed I lose my hearing? Also I’m hoping the dr can help me with not feeling well sleeping in the mornings again.

Even though its super early I’m already in bed. 2 late nights didn’t trick my body into sleeping and now I’m just exhausted mentally & physically. Sweet dreams all….


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