Forward…and now backwards

I feel for what steps we have taken forward, the BF & I are now going backwards. Argh…

After a blah therapy session last week that we now have to wait 3 weeks til our next visit things were weird. I spent the weekend at his house, but doing my own thing. He has 2 guys visiting from out of state (its a weird deal) for like 2 weeks. He had guys night Friday while I did my own thing. Same for Saturday during the day. Saturday night a group of us went hear a band & I offered to be the DD. He had been acting off (not holding my hand, being affectionate, normal things we’ve always done) but he told me he was really drunk (which I’ve never seen him like THAT level) so ok it explained things.

On the way to church Sunday AM I mention I notice he hasn’t been himself in regards to that…he responds with “I told you Wednesday (at therapy) I don’t know what I want & I don’t want to lead you on”. Ummm…what?!?! Well that also explains why we haven’t had sex which has never been an issue. But really?? I knew therapy was tough but I thought we were moving forward together? I was pretty surprised he was thinking those thoughts and had no idea breaking up was back on the table again. He says he felt very controlled after I had said the Sunday before how he spent all night with the guys (yup those “friends” who just arrived and he’s been with 24/7 since) & it reminded him of his ex and how he was never going to be controlled again. Ok. I say nothing cause he still can’t give an example of what controlled is which is very frustrating. I also make a mental note not to touch him anymore.

So at church I’m listening to them talk about love and forgiveness while thinking gee…I’m trying to change my ways & I am being crucified for a mistake I made a week ago. Which I did apologize and recognize I handled it wrong.  As we try to change we are going to make mistakes and have blips, but the other person needs to remember that and not be so quick to judge or take it personally.

That afternoon we went to a birthday party for his employer. I asked if he still wanted me to go which he said yes. It was enjoyable and I had a nice time. Since we’ve together about 11 months I have met some of his coworkers several times & hung out. The crazy part I’m thinking is on the outside people probably think we are doing fine yet who knows wtf is going on between us. He introduced me to several people as “my girlfriend” & when we were walking out he took my hand. What????

We haven’t spoke since I left his house Monday morning. I stood back and he gave me a hug/kiss so I responded. There was no mention of future plans and we don’t have therapy this week. His friends are here thru this weekend sometime so I assume lots of guy time. I hope he’ll send me a text or something that shows he cares. I am going to call him Wednesday night. I want to stay at his house again this weekend cause I have other plans. I know it sounds weird but another thing is I’m working on having my own life up there (he lives in another town) & friends and activities. So for the last month I’ve been doing that when I stay up there so we aren’t together 24/7. Or I bring books to go read.

I need to breathe, remember 1 day at a time and not over analyze. I realized this morning he is probably not thinking anywhere this much about this stuff. I never used to be this over thinking crazy person but he’s really brought out some things in me I guess. More stuff to work on.

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