I am feeling very confused so I need to journal.
Of course after I have this magic moment & things click into place for me….the BF calls me Sunday night. He says we need to talk. He says he’s not sure if this is going to work, lets be friends & he maybe needs to figure himself out. I listened. I said ok cause I was going to actually suggest we just date on the weekends (almost like a long distance relationship) so during the week we are busy & doing our own thing. He says he’s going to think about it for a few days & we’ll talk.
Wait…what?? I feel conflicted. Why is this happening? I was moving on and now he’s thinking about this? I guess I could have shot it down and said “oh that’s not what I want to do anymore” but I didn’t. I don’t know why he’s “thinking” about it because I honestly don’t see it happening.
If he wants to be friends that’s fine. We can be friends. And as a friend I will say you need to get help. The drinking & thinking about it alone method you’ve tried for a few years isn’t working so go talk to somebody & get real help. And good luck. As your GF I would have supported you and all, but as a “friend” I’m just gonna tell you that you’re fucked up and go figure it out (that’s about all the support his other friends give him).
To be honest I was surprised he called. I figured he’d avoid & hide. So perhaps he is capable of change? I did say I think it scares him that I got past his walls (which he allowed) & know him so well sometimes even better than he does which he did agree with. Isn’t that sad? To be so afraid that now somebody knows you that you have to run away?
I wish I could have known him before his ex damaged him to this point. I would never do to him (or anybody) what she did. But I think in a way it says something…what was it about ME that after these years & other girls that he let thru the wall? Why am I only the 2nd girl he’s ever said I love you to and had those feelings? Is that what scares him…feelings he hasn’t felt in a long time & got burned by before? Maybe his head is freaking out but his heart knows we are to be? I feel we want the same thing in the end (a relationship) but we are unsure how to get there due to bad past experiences with others.