it’s been an interesting week

I feel my stress levels going up & my anxiety kicking in this week. It started Monday at work when my dear wonderful co-worker pulled us aside & said she was going to start the retirement process. I’m thrilled for her, but also selfish cause I don’t want her to go. She has been my rock, my confidante, the one I tell everything, advice giver. So I know even though that isn’t happening until mid-September I am starting to fuss.

Monday night at cornhole we played POS & his daughter. POS had told me Sunday that she was just broken up with by her BF cause “he didn’t know what he wanted” (I said wow sound familiar!) & had been upset. I told her if she ever wanted to hang or talk I was there for her (she thanked me) & left it at that cause I didn’t want to upset her. Later that night when she comes up to say good bye to me suddenly I see her eye well up & tears & she can’t talk so I followed her to the parking lot. We were out there for over an hour just talking & listening. I told her that I didn’t know what was going on between me & her dad, but he has always told me what’s been going on with her & her sister which must have opened the flood gates cause she talked to me about a whole bunch of topics. Her relationship/the BF, life, adulting, her relationship with her mom, her parent’s divorce, her mom being contacted by the recent ex-husband, anxiety/roller coaster emotion, counseling, her sister, her meds, her dr appts. You name it. We also at times talked about me & her dad & things with her & her sister. I mean it was kind of crazy but it also just flowed. I think she realizes I don’t judge & not being her “parent” she shared more like a gf would. It also helped me realize a few things with POS that I had sort of guessed or assumed, but hearing her version on things confirmed it.

Tuesday night I went by POS’s house to drop off the books (I’m letting him borrow the blended family book so he can finish it & also the step mom book to glance at cause it offered a good view of what I was going thru/feeling I felt when I read it) that I didn’t get to give him at cornhole cause I was out talking. I told him what had gone on between me & his daughter. I think he was even quite surprised by everything she shared with me cause it was more & in ways she doesn’t share with him. We talked a little more about a few things from the other night. It was getting late & I fell asleep on the couch while he was showering. He did the wishy washy stay whatever deal again, but I said no you need to decide…do you want me to stay or go home? He said yes I want you to stay.

I didn’t get a ton of sleep. It was also my Gram’s birthday yesterday which she has been gone about 2.5 years. It’s still hard for me some days cause I moved away just a few months before she passed. We talked on the phone a lot & were very close still. Luckily I saw her at Thanksgiving & she was fine then boom she went in the hospital for a month & died right after Christmas. But I still felt a lot of guilt not being there at the end for her, my mom, you name it and I don’t know if it’s something I have really come to terms with.

So this week has definitely got my anxiety going. POS is still coming Saturday afternoon to work down on my house before the renters come. I am doing some last minute organizing for that. Next week will be the big push for things to wrap up. I’m going tonight with his daughter to see The Shallows. She wanted to see Finding Dory & how we are now going to see this I don’t know? I don’t do scary movies, but I’m not sleeping anyways so why not?! She said she’s having a bad day (told her I was too) so we’re going to hang some beforehand. Here’s hoping the movie doesn’t scare the crap out of me!


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