Argh. I am not doing well. So here I sit at the dr waiting to be seen.
On Wednesday I hung out with POS’s oldest daughter (let’s call her DD1) and went to the movies. We were both having a bad day so we talked a little. I asked her about her meds and dr things which the next day I investigated thru my insurance finding a primary care dr. I’ve just gone to urgent care when I’ve had a problem or a specialist so I’ve needed a PCP but never bothered. I need some stronger meds than what my ear dr had given me and a PCP can do that.
I think a piling on of my coworker leaving (I know that’s silly but she is a big rock for me), my grandma birthday, getting the house in order for the rental, finances after paying double for awhile, my relationship with my mother, POS, my moving…maybe there is more even…has caught up to me. I can’t sleep or when I do it’s not well. I started throwing up again this week so I’m not really eating again. That I think is anxiety. I get up in the morning and can’t wait to crawl back in bed after work. I’m also trying to find a therapist to talk to. I was thinking a woman but it leaves only a few in my insurance so maybe a guy would work? Is that weird to go to a male therapist for a girl? Maybe he could offer me better relationship advice than women have?
Another issue this week is I found out POS is talking to women (or at least one he’s texting) from Tinder. I went thru his phone Tuesday night and found it. I know that isn’t right but when you’re scared and don’t want to get hurt perhaps you do stupid things? I did delete and block her but not knowing what I was doing I should have also deleted her text. Instead it was still there as numbers. I’m sure he’ll see it and figure it out. But what will he say? He’s the one who keeps telling me he’s not dating or sleeping with anybody (but isn’t the next step of texting meeting?). So now is he lying? He’s never lied that I know of before. And I do feel like it’s lies…don’t make me feel wearethisclose to having things working and then to see that? I’m not going to watch while you work on yourself with me for another woman. My days of being the fun open find yourself so you can marry the next girl are over! That has seriously happened to me several times. The movie Good Luck Chuck…yeah well I am Chuck and I’m done! Give me back my blended family books if it’s not me you’re going to blend with, stop being at the activities I’m at & get out of my life if this is how it’s going to be. I am not going to stand by and be friends while you have the life I wanted with somebody else.
So yeah that is probably causing some of my anxiety this week too. But I’m not saying anything to POS until after he does the work at my house Saturday. I need to get that stuff in order.
Oh goody the dr gave me a month script for low level Xanax & then we have a follow up. I’ve never taken anything like this. I need to find a therapist to talk to that’s for sure!