Watching from the sidelines

Watching somebody struggle from the sidelines is hard. You don’t know what to do or say but you want to be there. Especially when you have felt those same feelings.

My weekend was interesting. POS & I went to the party and then the concert Friday night. DD1 went along with us which was fine. The party was good. It was actually nice to catch up and chat with people. But I noticed POS was feeling pretty good already when we left for the concert. Got there & I went to find my group of friends. POS would circle around & we’d see each other and then he’d be off roaming again so I knew he was drinking lots. I just sort of hung back & observed.

Next morning I gave him a card for Sweetest Day after I asked him if we had any plans for that night (we didn’t). We ended up having “the talk” cause I was like its been almost 2 months what is going on here?? He says we’re just friends hanging out. Really??? Needless to say I was surprised since I don’t sleep with my friends. I recognized there was more to what he was saying so I was patient and just asked questions and listened. He said he feels numb. He doesn’t care. About anything. Work. Life. Nothing. He is just a robot going thru the motions of the day. I have noticed he’s been sleeping a lot and the past few weeks he has been “off”. I assumed it was stress from work not knowing he was in a slump. I asked if he wanted to hurt himself which he said no. He has been drinking more and more to the end of not knowing where he is over the edge. I have gotten a few texts from him when he’s had a lot and says he doesn’t know where he is (I don’t respond cause he’s drunk texting and assume who’s he with will handle the situation). But I find that scary!

I’m not sure where this depression is coming from or what’s triggering it. He claims not to either. His life appears to be going well (which isn’t everyone that is a mess?) but believe me…I understand the feelings of sadness and overwhelmed and not caring. It is the 5 year anniversary of his divorce. Maybe that’s it? I know I have certain days during the year that put me in a slump. 

He hurt himself late Saturday at work (muscle pull) so we cancelled our dinner plans and stayed in Saturday night. Sunday I went to church and he said he might go to the dr. I asked him to keep me updated. I was pleasantly surprised when he did text me Sunday about 6:30 with an update and he’d been sleeping from the meds the dr gave him. I stopped by his house to check on him for a bit and then went home. I’m going to give him til Thursday. I’ll see if he contacts me this week. I also think we need to talk. He needs to hear it’s ok to ask for help and go get something if needed. Both his daughters have issues. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Just things aren’t firing correctly so get it back track. I am still taking my meds and I feel pretty good. Even with hearing what POS had to say it didn’t send me into some downward anxiety spiral. While I want to support him I can’t get sucked backwards into his issues if he isn’t willing to recognize or attempt to work on them.

I went to the beach Sunday. It was good therapy to walk along and listen to the water and think your thoughts. Soaked up some sun & read my book. It’s been a few weeks between being busy & red tide since I have gotten to enjoy it. 

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