Moving forward

This has been an interesting week.

My dad & I had dinner Tuesday before he headed back home. He asked some more questions & we talked about things. I’m actually really glad my dad was here…I feel better having spoke with him & I know we’ll be ok. And he actually said he hopes it all works out when we said good bye.

My last just me therapy session was this week. It was nice to speak with her & talk about what’s been happening with the BF. Also what I have been feeling and how I’m doing. Which is better. Even before the BF came back around health wise I was getting back on track.

Wednesday was our 1st therapy session together. I admitted before it I was nervous & he was also. But it went well! It seemed to be a lot of getting the therapist up to speed on things and what has happened & what we are looking for. But she also asked some things that made us share…like what attracted us & what we like & how we feel. It felt good to hear him say he loves me. He tells me that a lot, but to say it in front of somebody else I know was him opening up. We both agreed we liked her & have 3 more weekly sessions scheduled.

Today marks 1 week since my mom & I have spoke. I did tell the BF about it cause he asked. It’s sort of weird not talking to my mom & there’s been a few times I wanted to text or call. But part of me feels like she needs to apologize for what she said (or more so how she said it) to me so I’m waiting for her to make the initial move. I know some of my friends are probably going to react the same as she did which I’m prepared for. They don’t need to understand or get my life, but I do ask that they respect it. If they can’t….then it says a lot about our friendship & I have no problem cleaning house.

Wishing all a very Hoppy Easter!!!


That went like I thought it would

Things have been going well between the BF & I. I told him about our therapy session this coming Wednesday. We spent some time together over the weekend. He invited me to church with him. It’s nothing like I have been to…it was non denomination and not a “traditional” type service. I enjoyed it. It gave me some things to think about…the topic was managing stress. I would like to go again.

Unfortunately on Saturday when talking with my mom she brought him up & it didn’t go well. All I got out was we were talking and that was about it. I let her say her piece…not much else you can do right? I understand those are her feelings, but this is also my life & I need to do what I need to. We haven’t spoke since. I’m not sure what will happen between me & my parents, but right now they aren’t my top priority. I spoke with my dad today cause he is still visiting. He was easier to speak with cause he didn’t get as emotional (or call me stupid). Basically he doesn’t trust him not to run off again which I understand. I was able to share more of my thoughts with dad & we are going to have dinner tomorrow before he leaves. The BF has told some of his friends and other family members we are working things out…they have responded positively. I haven’t mentioned my parent’s reaction as I want to give them more time as well as us.

I really do believe we can work this out and build our future. Otherwise I wouldn’t be risking my relationship with my parents. I have to say this past month has really taught me you can’t judge other people and their decisions because you don’t know their whole story. If somebody is happy then I am happy for them. If they are not then I will be there to support them if they want it.

Lately I have been getting news of friends ending long term relationships. One girlfriend lived with a guy for close to 13 years probably & that just ended last week. Now I’m sure there was a slow burn to the end there but it was still surprising. A bigger shocker came this morning when another friend told me her husband of almost 14 years moved out last week cause he’s having an affair & they are divorcing. I’m still like wow. These were couples I thought was doing it “right”. In some ways I’m like WTF is going on & should I be worried? But I’m not. I feel confident the BF & I have a solid relationship we are building, we are getting help & taking it just one day at a time.

I have one more session with the therapist I was seeing thru my work program tomorrow. I kept the appointment I guess just to talk. My anxiety feels better. As I feel more confident in our relationship that stuff is going away. I sleep thru the nights and don’t feel sick in the mornings. My weight has leveled off and I’m sure will eventually return (that’s kind of a bummer lol).

Here’s to the start of spring…perhaps its a sign of new growth & things to come??

Baby steps

So he came over last night. We had dinner, watched a few Big Bangs & then went for a walk around the block. After that I brought up the attending therapy topic. He was still game so I told him I had spoken with my insurance and found a place from several recommendations. Having only attended a few therapy sessions myself & never with someone this is uncharted waters for me. We talked about some things we hope to get from therapy…our communication & some trust issues but mostly how we handle the adult kids. It makes me feel better in a way he is also unsure what to do cause I know not being a parent I feel a disadvantage at times. We want to get advice and guidance on how to make this “family” work.

He also told me when he hung out with his older daughter Tuesday he told her we were talking. Her reaction was “ok”. Which is pretty much what I’d expect. She’s a little easier going and a few years older than the other. He also mentioned to her about us doing a weekly dinner & she reacted positively to that. I will admit I was a bit surprised he told her about us, but I also take that as a good sign he really does want this to work out. Positive thoughts!  As for the younger daughter he wants to speak with her also, but we both know she will be the harder one (it could be even years cause she’s got her own issues to work on). Again therapy will help this hopefully.

I called the therapist office this morning and what originally was going to be a month away is now an appointment next Wednesday evening. I will let him know tomorrow night at our sports league game. I don’t think we need to talk about “serious” stuff again if we talk today. I’m trying to keep our conversations easy & not always serious you know? That becomes tedious and who wants to conversate when its all so hard core. It would turn me off I think.

Happy St Patty Day!!!


A surprise guest

So today I had a surprise guest show up…my dad. Which is great & all but I’m a little curious. He’s never come by himself in the 2.5 years I’ve lived here. Now it’s no biggie cause he will stay at the condo & my mom will be coming down Sunday to join for a few days before they head back north. But they live 1300 miles away. I’m sure he’s concerned about me cause I know Mom has told him everything going on. I saw him at lunch today & we made plans for after work tomorrow.

This gives me a little anxiety though cause I have not mentioned anything about HIM contacting me or spending time together. I love my parents & normally don’t ever keep anything from them, but I feel for now it’s best to see how the next few weeks go before I say anything. Is that wrong? I guess deep down I’m afraid they will be mad or unsupportive I am doing this. Not that they didn’t like him, but I’m their kid & they see what I’ve gone thru. Nobody wants to see their child hurt & I think they are worried especially since they don’t live close by.

Tonight he’s coming down to my place. We’re going to make dinner, watch tv & just chill. It will be interesting to see how things continue between us. Sometimes you say things in the moment and then a few days later it changes. I guess that is my fear right now…that he could just take off again any moment. Obviously I’ve developed some trust issues that I need to work thru. Unfortunately it sucks cause I never used to feel that way or worry. I’m hoping with time (and therapy) that too will resolve itself.

Happy hump day!!!


We went to Epcot on Sunday. Its a 1.5 hour drive but the conversation stayed easy. Flower & Garden is going on so we did a few rides and enjoyed the flower displays.


We did hit a lull though as we had about 30 minutes before the next attraction so we sat on a bench outside Norway to wait. And that’s where it happened. I could feel my anxiety building from just not knowing what to expect from him contacting me or what it meant or what the day was going to be like so I asked. We started talking. I had a million questions yet I had none. We kept talking and hugging and talking and then he kissed me. It felt surreal yet it felt right. We spent a few more hours at Epcot talking and eating just enjoying the day. After the drive back I stayed at his house to watch TV & then we went to dinner. I didn’t spend the night as it had been a long roller coaster of emotions & I felt like I needed my home. But we were together from 7am til after 9:30pm without a hitch. It was kind of crazy how easy it felt?

We did discuss a few things. I stated I had been seeing a therapist but was going to find another & would he join me? I was pleasantly surprised when he said yes. We both agree it will help with our communication and issues. But the biggest issue obviously is his adult children (and they come each with plenty of their own baggage) & how to work with them. I stated that moving forward I wanted it different this time. I wanted weekly dinner at dad’s house for the 4 of us. I don’t care what we do but we all know it’s a set time for us to be together. He actually seemed very happy about that and stated he doesn’t really see his girls that much so it would be good. I also think the therapist will be helpful for us here to guide us on how to proceed with that. I have no idea what to do? Nobody I know had ever dated someone with adult children. He asked if we could take things slow. We agreed to not having to spend every day/night together. Having our free time to do our own thing. I said are we committed and he said no seeing anybody else. I said I also want to talk on the phone not texting cause that causes problems which he agreed.

I am cautiously optimistic. This is everything I had hoped for in a best case scenario. What’s almost scary is the things we “wanted” were pretty much the same. I really do believe in us and that we can make this work. As I told him in the grand scheme of the next 40 years this is merely a blip which if you talk to any couple (like both our parents who have been together longer than that) they have all had blips. We just have to work thru it. Now I just have to relax and let time do it’s thing. Which given my recent bouts with anxiety is harder but I’m learning to deal with it.

We have a date night tomorrow. He said he would come to my house for dinner so fingers crossed!

It happened

He texted me Friday night.

A little preface…we play in a recreational sports league on the same team. Last night was the first time due to work I was able to attend. I won’t lie…I had anxiety and stress over it during the week. I want to play. But I had no idea what he would be like. We were both polite. Played. Nothing more nothing less. I did have a good time with the team and it was fun. I went home afterwards & later got the text.

“It was good seeing you tonight.”

Since I am over texting (and the miscommunication it causes) I agreed it was & to call if he wanted to talk. Which he did. We chatted about just everyday topics & it was pretty nice. I said I missed him to which he said he missed me also. We agreed to do something on Sunday. To keep it light & fun we are taking a drive over to the House of the Mouse. We both love it there so hopefully it will be a good time.

I have no idea what to expect. My expectation level is a 0 cause I want to be realistic. But another part of me says he might be hopeful also cause this will be a whole day we’re spending together. And it’s not like it involves alcohol or getting some ass at the end of the night.

Another highlight this week is when I went to my ear dr…my ears have been plugged for a month…he gave me some drugs to help the morning nauseous & help me sleep. And I have to say its working! Being able to sleep a little  more & feeling “normal” in the mornings is so nice.

Enjoy your weekend folks!

Trying…and failing

I feel for every step I take in the forward direction I then go either backwards or sideways several steps. I refuse to complain to my friends anymore (like they want to hear it) & I only allow myself to be a little sad when I speak with my mom (no reason for her to feel bad living far away). The scary part and what I think is probably most unhealthy is that I could really see myself getting back together with him. Wtf is wrong with me? He hasn’t called. Its been over 3 weeks. Its not happening. But when I wake up every morning at 4am feeling sick its little thoughts like that help the anxiety pass. Give me little bouts of sleep til my alarm. And we all know those couples who DID break up only to get back together & it works. Am I crazy?

Yesterday I met coffee guy for some tennis after work. With all my recent weight loss I look good in the outfits but my stamina…please. 30 minutes of hitting did me in. Plus allergies down here are awful right now so that’s not helping. He wanted to eat so not being a pooper I agreed. He’s quite chatty so dinner was ok but really drawn out. At this point I suddenly realize how much I miss my ex & this was what we used to do…the anxiety starts to kick in plus being a long day. We call it quits but not before he’s trying to make more plans. I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship or commitment, it’s just not where I am right now & if he wants to do things like tennis or such great but I understand if he’d rather not. I think he may have been a little taken back but he called later to apologize for being so forward. I assured him he wasn’t and that I just wanted to be upfront. I think we may end up being just friends but who knows. I have found guys to be fickle…if its not working how they envision they get pissed & peace out.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the ear dr. My ears have been plugged for a month. I know some of it is the pollen but from past times I know stress does it too. How funny when I get extremely stressed I lose my hearing? Also I’m hoping the dr can help me with not feeling well sleeping in the mornings again.

Even though its super early I’m already in bed. 2 late nights didn’t trick my body into sleeping and now I’m just exhausted mentally & physically. Sweet dreams all….

Just a girl who's flirting with 40…while trying to find love & happiness by the beach