A little more processing

So after getting some random sleep and thinking some more this beautiful early morning…

I think what I see in the BF that scares me is the “look” he had last night. I can’t describe it but it’s how he looked before he split in February. I know his work has been very busy plus having the house guests and the constant party go out drinking no sleeping is catching up. And I’m afraid that even though I have stayed out of it and away from it somehow it will be me who suffers the aftermath.

When I stay there on Monday I am thinking of just saying to the BF that if he wants or needs to talk I am here to listen no judging and then move on. I think he’s bottling it all in again.

Both of us are turtles. We have our shells that not many people get past. I know I have made it thru the BF’S shell and perhaps that is also part of what scares him? I know his outer persona of “oh hey go with the flow I’m a nice guy whatever happens” is what people see, but they don’t know all the problems (trust, stress, kids) boiling underneath.

When his friends leave later this week (let’s hope they haven’t become squatters) I am still going to stay away. I am working this weekend & next weekend in addition to my regular job so I am busy. I think he’s going to need some time to be alone & decompress and maybe given space that will give us a chance???

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Amazing

And I say that with utmost sarcasm. I am about to unleash a rant since I can’t actually say any of this stuff out loud.

So I see the BF at our rec game tonight. Barely get any words from him. Really? Aren’t we dating cause everyone else standing there sure seems to think so. His daughter was more chatty with me…how’s that for a twist?!?

After the game before he leaves I ask him if I can stay at his house Monday night cause of another function I have (there will be drinking and late night). He actually has to I don’t know ponder it before saying oh yeah that would be ok. Well gee thanks!

I then casually ask when his friends are thinking of leaving since we had been talking about that. He says oh maybe Thursday. I am THINKING wow that is pretty fucking ballsy but what I SAY is oh cool so then maybe I’ll see them Monday. I mean these 2 guys have been here since Saturday the 9th and aren’t leaving until the 28th?? They are crashed on the living room couch and air mattress in a spare room. Every day is a party and its drink drink drink. And they were only staying for a week when they were coming down here! Who does that? Oh wait early 30 & his younger brother. Did I mention the BF is 48? Really dude. A little party is fine but almost 3 weeks of daily drinking and partying??

I think what I find frustrating is the BF & I were actually making progress moving forward before these inconsiderate asshats showed up. It seems to have all gone down hill since. I refuse to say anything though cause no way am I going to be blamed for being controlling or being a bitch. I thought we were really going to make it but now I am thinking not gonna happen. It saddens me cause I haven’t allowed myself to think like that, but I think it’s time to start preparing myself for that outcome.

I wonder if he’ll wait til therapy on May 4th to break up or if he’ll bail out & no show?

Taking a breather

So he did send a text. Last night after 9:30 that the guys had just woke him up (part of me had wondered if he was just sleeping also) & they were going to a bar. I replied with “have fun!”. That’s low key non-controlling supportive right? Sometimes I don’t know what to say cause it could be taken wrong but I was afraid no response could look pissy which I wasn’t.

I suppose there are a few ways to look at that text. I figure it’s a good sign cause IF he really didn’t care or wanted to end things he would have just blown it off with no response. Right? And I’m not sure why he told me where or what he was doing, but I think it shows he’s not being shady. Not that I have ever thought him to be sneaking around hooking up or trying to get with other girls. We may have some problems, but faithfulness isn’t one of them. Even when we were apart for the month neither of us dated or hooked up with anybody else. I think that also may say something…he doesn’t want just flings or hook ups cause he could have already done that.

I know for some people that little text after not speaking all week may not be enough, but for me right now where we are it is. I mean maybe this is him testing me if I’m going to try to “control” his time with the guys? Hopefully he sees I am not trying to!

I am just sitting back processing all this. And then I write my thoughts here rather than spew unfiltered at him. I believe his friends are leaving this weekend so next week things might start to get “normal”. We still don’t go back to the therapist for almost 2 weeks so I am going to continue treading carefully. Keep working on my changes and giving him space to process.

On the kid homefront…I have made good progress with the older daughter. Last week she actually came up to me to start a conversation! We have texted a little even and can chat without him having to be there to facilitate the conversation. I am very pleased with all that!

Feeling the panic thoughts

So I waited until today after work to call the BF. Left a VM just saying hi what’s up how’s your week. Haven’t heard anything back.

Part of me that wants to be positive says he’s still on guy time with his friends that are staying with him.

The negative side says he doesn’t give 2 shits since he never contacted you this week & he’s going to end it.

Then I think guy’s don’t analyze this much. They are probably out drinking or hanging with other buddies before they leave town. Give him space & be cool.

But he was so weird last Sunday I just don’t know. One minute he says he feels controlled, gets scared & doesn’t know what he wants. A few hours later I’m being introduced as his girlfriend and holding hands.

I can’t keep up. The anxiety is kicking in. Time to stare at the tv, turn off the phone & try to stay positive so I can get some sleep.

Write more…talk less

Let’s be honest. Girls talk more than boys (usually). The guys at work say that all the time. I have been working on being a better listener and less talking.

But I have freak out panic insecure moments! I feel it coming. I know it’s happening. I can’t stop it. And then it pours out my mouth unfiltered which is NOT what the BF needs to hear. So I need to write (blog) more! Sorry guys you may be getting some crazy rambling posts coming your way.

My support system has really changed the past months. First when the BF left in mid-February I lost a big one. Then a month later when we started trying to work things out it’s not the same as we had before obviously. But with the BF’s return to the picture….my mom has since exited. It’s been over a month since we spoke. I knew she was upset. I knew she wouldn’t be happy I went back to him. But honestly I didn’t think it would be this way. I sent a peace offering if you will last week. Nothing. I asked my dad if it came & he said “oh yeah she liked it”. I thought I’d at least get a text or email but maybe she’s just not ready yet?

Things I’m learning at therapy and trying to apply in real life. It’s not always a success or my first reaction (which I do apologize for), but I do catch myself to do it “different”.

Forward…and now backwards

I feel for what steps we have taken forward, the BF & I are now going backwards. Argh…

After a blah therapy session last week that we now have to wait 3 weeks til our next visit things were weird. I spent the weekend at his house, but doing my own thing. He has 2 guys visiting from out of state (its a weird deal) for like 2 weeks. He had guys night Friday while I did my own thing. Same for Saturday during the day. Saturday night a group of us went hear a band & I offered to be the DD. He had been acting off (not holding my hand, being affectionate, normal things we’ve always done) but he told me he was really drunk (which I’ve never seen him like THAT level) so ok it explained things.

On the way to church Sunday AM I mention I notice he hasn’t been himself in regards to that…he responds with “I told you Wednesday (at therapy) I don’t know what I want & I don’t want to lead you on”. Ummm…what?!?! Well that also explains why we haven’t had sex which has never been an issue. But really?? I knew therapy was tough but I thought we were moving forward together? I was pretty surprised he was thinking those thoughts and had no idea breaking up was back on the table again. He says he felt very controlled after I had said the Sunday before how he spent all night with the guys (yup those “friends” who just arrived and he’s been with 24/7 since) & it reminded him of his ex and how he was never going to be controlled again. Ok. I say nothing cause he still can’t give an example of what controlled is which is very frustrating. I also make a mental note not to touch him anymore.

So at church I’m listening to them talk about love and forgiveness while thinking gee…I’m trying to change my ways & I am being crucified for a mistake I made a week ago. Which I did apologize and recognize I handled it wrong.  As we try to change we are going to make mistakes and have blips, but the other person needs to remember that and not be so quick to judge or take it personally.

That afternoon we went to a birthday party for his employer. I asked if he still wanted me to go which he said yes. It was enjoyable and I had a nice time. Since we’ve together about 11 months I have met some of his coworkers several times & hung out. The crazy part I’m thinking is on the outside people probably think we are doing fine yet who knows wtf is going on between us. He introduced me to several people as “my girlfriend” & when we were walking out he took my hand. What????

We haven’t spoke since I left his house Monday morning. I stood back and he gave me a hug/kiss so I responded. There was no mention of future plans and we don’t have therapy this week. His friends are here thru this weekend sometime so I assume lots of guy time. I hope he’ll send me a text or something that shows he cares. I am going to call him Wednesday night. I want to stay at his house again this weekend cause I have other plans. I know it sounds weird but another thing is I’m working on having my own life up there (he lives in another town) & friends and activities. So for the last month I’ve been doing that when I stay up there so we aren’t together 24/7. Or I bring books to go read.

I need to breathe, remember 1 day at a time and not over analyze. I realized this morning he is probably not thinking anywhere this much about this stuff. I never used to be this over thinking crazy person but he’s really brought out some things in me I guess. More stuff to work on.

Breathe in…breathe out

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Therapy was last night. I won’t lie…it was a shit show. I unloaded all my feelings from the week of things gone wrong. I really thought the BF was going to end it right there (at least I would have been in therapy so a head start on recovery).

I’m a verbal processer whereas he needs to have time to process & respond. I need to rein in my talking & listen more. I know that & believe me I am trying to change! Well I had a lot of talking–I want to get as much feedback and advice from the therapist as I can in our little time together–and he was doing a lot of processing. Several issues came up that were discussed. By the time we left I felt ill cause I was seriously scared he was going to end it. He suggested time alone but I countered with just watching tv in silence so he agreed. Which we did. After a bit he actually started talking–not therapy stuff but problems I was having with my car. Usually we do discuss a little after therapy but since it had been rather intense no way was I going there. I did end up spending the night & this morning when I left things seemed more “normal”. I guess we’ll see what tomorrow night & this weekend brings!

I know therapy will be ups & downs. I acknowledge I’m going to hear and learn things about myself I may not like. But that’s why I’m there! I’m not looking to do a complete overhaul of me, but I see how if I make some of these changes other aspects of my life will improve. It would help at my job. I also realized my dad is probably similar to the BF as far as processing so it will help me there. And since my mom & I still haven’t spoke I really want to make sure Dad & I get along. I did send a peace offering…I mailed a package to her Monday with something I think she’ll like & am waiting for her to get it.

Just a girl who's flirting with 40…while trying to find love & happiness by the beach