Some people can’t shut it

A coworker today decided she wanted to offer me advice on my relationship & what I should do. I think the ironic part is her own marriage is shambles so not sure where this is coming from. The entire time she’s like lecturing me almost all I could think was wow I am so glad I am working hard not to be like that anymore. I didn’t ask for her opinion. The last few months I have really worked hard on just being happy for my friends & supporting them if they’re not. I don’t have to live their life or understand it. Not to mention I have my own issues I am working thru whether the BF & I make it or not.

So who knows what’s happening with the BF? I don’t. I sent a text Monday night I was going home (to my home) but thanks & to have a good week. Next morning he sent an “ok”. What’s that mean? I don’t know. I mean is it something he didn’t totally blow off not acknowledge the text? I don’t know.

His friends last I heard are leaving tomorrow. Good…now he can have time to decompress. I wonder if he thinks when I asked about them leaving if it’s cause I wanted to make plans? Yeah hell no! I actually have some plans of my own for the next week. Not to be spiteful but because I’m working on having my own life. It’s amazing how many girls want to lecture me on what to do yet what I see them doing are things I’m trying to change. So either they are nuts or the therapist and books are?

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Doing my thing

So I spent the weekend doing my own thing. I worked at my side job both days which was a good filler (kills time + extra $$). Saturday I got home with the intention of doing chores, but I climbed in bed & zoned out with the DVR. I got 12 hours of sleep which was amazing. I actually woke up Sunday feeling refreshed! Sunday after work I ran errands & when I got home did some clean up on the palm trees. Ripping out branches & cleaning up was a little therapeutic. Again I tried to get plenty of sleep.

I haven’t heard from the BF. I sent him a text Sunday saying I hope he was getting to relax & enjoy the beautiful day. No response. Rude perhaps but I also didn’t expect an answer so it didn’t bother me. Sadly as much as I’d love this to work out I am being realistic that it’s most likely over. He just doesn’t like confrontation so perhaps he’s waiting for me to end it? The thing is I am not going to be the “bad” guy….he can finally be it!

I spoke with a friend this morning and I’m not going to stay at his house tonight. I think it’s in my best interest to avoid him & hopefully we can make it to our therapy appointment next week (5-4). He’s got so much bottled up I can just tell. But let him unload on the therapist. I will sit back & listen. I haven’t done anything to stress him out, be controlling or anything negative. I have left him alone! I mean last I knew he last weekend was introducing me as his girlfriend & holding hands & thanking me for a great weekend hugs & kisses. So when the therapist asks me how things have been I will say fine. It will be interesting what he has to say?

A little more processing

So after getting some random sleep and thinking some more this beautiful early morning…

I think what I see in the BF that scares me is the “look” he had last night. I can’t describe it but it’s how he looked before he split in February. I know his work has been very busy plus having the house guests and the constant party go out drinking no sleeping is catching up. And I’m afraid that even though I have stayed out of it and away from it somehow it will be me who suffers the aftermath.

When I stay there on Monday I am thinking of just saying to the BF that if he wants or needs to talk I am here to listen no judging and then move on. I think he’s bottling it all in again.

Both of us are turtles. We have our shells that not many people get past. I know I have made it thru the BF’S shell and perhaps that is also part of what scares him? I know his outer persona of “oh hey go with the flow I’m a nice guy whatever happens” is what people see, but they don’t know all the problems (trust, stress, kids) boiling underneath.

When his friends leave later this week (let’s hope they haven’t become squatters) I am still going to stay away. I am working this weekend & next weekend in addition to my regular job so I am busy. I think he’s going to need some time to be alone & decompress and maybe given space that will give us a chance???

Amazing

And I say that with utmost sarcasm. I am about to unleash a rant since I can’t actually say any of this stuff out loud.

So I see the BF at our rec game tonight. Barely get any words from him. Really? Aren’t we dating cause everyone else standing there sure seems to think so. His daughter was more chatty with me…how’s that for a twist?!?

After the game before he leaves I ask him if I can stay at his house Monday night cause of another function I have (there will be drinking and late night). He actually has to I don’t know ponder it before saying oh yeah that would be ok. Well gee thanks!

I then casually ask when his friends are thinking of leaving since we had been talking about that. He says oh maybe Thursday. I am THINKING wow that is pretty fucking ballsy but what I SAY is oh cool so then maybe I’ll see them Monday. I mean these 2 guys have been here since Saturday the 9th and aren’t leaving until the 28th?? They are crashed on the living room couch and air mattress in a spare room. Every day is a party and its drink drink drink. And they were only staying for a week when they were coming down here! Who does that? Oh wait early 30 & his younger brother. Did I mention the BF is 48? Really dude. A little party is fine but almost 3 weeks of daily drinking and partying??

I think what I find frustrating is the BF & I were actually making progress moving forward before these inconsiderate asshats showed up. It seems to have all gone down hill since. I refuse to say anything though cause no way am I going to be blamed for being controlling or being a bitch. I thought we were really going to make it but now I am thinking not gonna happen. It saddens me cause I haven’t allowed myself to think like that, but I think it’s time to start preparing myself for that outcome.

I wonder if he’ll wait til therapy on May 4th to break up or if he’ll bail out & no show?

Taking a breather

So he did send a text. Last night after 9:30 that the guys had just woke him up (part of me had wondered if he was just sleeping also) & they were going to a bar. I replied with “have fun!”. That’s low key non-controlling supportive right? Sometimes I don’t know what to say cause it could be taken wrong but I was afraid no response could look pissy which I wasn’t.

I suppose there are a few ways to look at that text. I figure it’s a good sign cause IF he really didn’t care or wanted to end things he would have just blown it off with no response. Right? And I’m not sure why he told me where or what he was doing, but I think it shows he’s not being shady. Not that I have ever thought him to be sneaking around hooking up or trying to get with other girls. We may have some problems, but faithfulness isn’t one of them. Even when we were apart for the month neither of us dated or hooked up with anybody else. I think that also may say something…he doesn’t want just flings or hook ups cause he could have already done that.

I know for some people that little text after not speaking all week may not be enough, but for me right now where we are it is. I mean maybe this is him testing me if I’m going to try to “control” his time with the guys? Hopefully he sees I am not trying to!

I am just sitting back processing all this. And then I write my thoughts here rather than spew unfiltered at him. I believe his friends are leaving this weekend so next week things might start to get “normal”. We still don’t go back to the therapist for almost 2 weeks so I am going to continue treading carefully. Keep working on my changes and giving him space to process.

On the kid homefront…I have made good progress with the older daughter. Last week she actually came up to me to start a conversation! We have texted a little even and can chat without him having to be there to facilitate the conversation. I am very pleased with all that!

Feeling the panic thoughts

So I waited until today after work to call the BF. Left a VM just saying hi what’s up how’s your week. Haven’t heard anything back.

Part of me that wants to be positive says he’s still on guy time with his friends that are staying with him.

The negative side says he doesn’t give 2 shits since he never contacted you this week & he’s going to end it.

Then I think guy’s don’t analyze this much. They are probably out drinking or hanging with other buddies before they leave town. Give him space & be cool.

But he was so weird last Sunday I just don’t know. One minute he says he feels controlled, gets scared & doesn’t know what he wants. A few hours later I’m being introduced as his girlfriend and holding hands.

I can’t keep up. The anxiety is kicking in. Time to stare at the tv, turn off the phone & try to stay positive so I can get some sleep.

Write more…talk less

Let’s be honest. Girls talk more than boys (usually). The guys at work say that all the time. I have been working on being a better listener and less talking.

But I have freak out panic insecure moments! I feel it coming. I know it’s happening. I can’t stop it. And then it pours out my mouth unfiltered which is NOT what the BF needs to hear. So I need to write (blog) more! Sorry guys you may be getting some crazy rambling posts coming your way.

My support system has really changed the past months. First when the BF left in mid-February I lost a big one. Then a month later when we started trying to work things out it’s not the same as we had before obviously. But with the BF’s return to the picture….my mom has since exited. It’s been over a month since we spoke. I knew she was upset. I knew she wouldn’t be happy I went back to him. But honestly I didn’t think it would be this way. I sent a peace offering if you will last week. Nothing. I asked my dad if it came & he said “oh yeah she liked it”. I thought I’d at least get a text or email but maybe she’s just not ready yet?

Things I’m learning at therapy and trying to apply in real life. It’s not always a success or my first reaction (which I do apologize for), but I do catch myself to do it “different”.

Just a girl who's flirting with 40…while trying to find love & happiness by the beach