Breathe in…breathe out

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Therapy was last night. I won’t lie…it was a shit show. I unloaded all my feelings from the week of things gone wrong. I really thought the BF was going to end it right there (at least I would have been in therapy so a head start on recovery).

I’m a verbal processer whereas he needs to have time to process & respond. I need to rein in my talking & listen more. I know that & believe me I am trying to change! Well I had a lot of talking–I want to get as much feedback and advice from the therapist as I can in our little time together–and he was doing a lot of processing. Several issues came up that were discussed. By the time we left I felt ill cause I was seriously scared he was going to end it. He suggested time alone but I countered with just watching tv in silence so he agreed. Which we did. After a bit he actually started talking–not therapy stuff but problems I was having with my car. Usually we do discuss a little after therapy but since it had been rather intense no way was I going there. I did end up spending the night & this morning when I left things seemed more “normal”. I guess we’ll see what tomorrow night & this weekend brings!

I know therapy will be ups & downs. I acknowledge I’m going to hear and learn things about myself I may not like. But that’s why I’m there! I’m not looking to do a complete overhaul of me, but I see how if I make some of these changes other aspects of my life will improve. It would help at my job. I also realized my dad is probably similar to the BF as far as processing so it will help me there. And since my mom & I still haven’t spoke I really want to make sure Dad & I get along. I did send a peace offering…I mailed a package to her Monday with something I think she’ll like & am waiting for her to get it.

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Speed bumps

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Argh….there have been some definite bumps in the road lately. Therapy last week was ok, but afterwards the more I thought about it the more annoyed I got. The therapist is pointing out things I do which I totally get is the point of therapy. Except after week 2 of my flaws and the BF not having any (he hasn’t been as sharing and forthcoming like me) I’m sort of over it you know? Let’s see…I talk a lot (duh I’m paying to be there so I’m not going to be quiet), I’m controlling (not sure what that meant), men like to take care of women (being self sufficient is now bad?), I’m outgoing (HAHA fooled her I have self esteem confidence issues!), I’m a go getter (again that’s bad to have goals?). And I have probably left some off. Shit I wouldn’t date myself the way I’m looking after therapy!

But I’m looking forward to therapy tomorrow. Not in a payback asshole type of way, but let’s refocus. The BF has made me feel like a no priority dog shit on the bottom of your shoe since last week. There are a few things I want to bring up…like how saying “sorry” doesn’t mean anything if your actions don’t change. Remembering what your priorities are. I’ll say how I feel & then it’s time to zip it. Let the BF express himself to me & the therapist. Maybe he’ll see what he needs to change? Maybe he won’t? Maybe the therapist can start pointing out all his weaknesses? But it will give me some answers hopefully.

Making progress

Things have been going well!

My (unrelated) little sister came to visit over spring break for a few days. It was tons of fun but definitely reminded me I am not 20 anymore. Lol. I think it was also good for me to hang around her since the BFs kids are her age & gave me some insight.

I have been reading some books & articles on blended families. Some the therapist recommended and some I found. I definitely see some of the ways we (BF too) handled things wrong or could have done it differently. I have had several positive interactions with the 21 yo. I know it won’t always be kittens & rainbows, but as long as she is open and trying that’s all I can ask for (which I did thank her for being willing to try). I also think in the last few months she has matured some. The 18 yo is again having suicide thoughts and honestly has so many problems I’m not worried about a relationship with her. All I want is basic respect and politeness when she’s around which the BF is going to have to make happen (per the therapist). I am there to support him with her cause he even has a not stable relationship with her.

Our therapy session last week was cancelled so I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I feel there has been progress but I have a lot of questions which I hope she can address or help us work on. It’s also our date night after so I’m looking forward to dinner as well. Haha!

It’s been over 2 weeks since my mom & I spoke. Probably the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking! I do have a relationship with my dad & told him if it wasn’t awkward for him we’d keep talking which he said it wasn’t. I guess my feeling is she is the one who ended the conversation so when she feels like restarting it she can? I don’t know if she needs to calm down or process or what but I do know I can’t worry about living my life to please them.

I did post a pic of me & the BF at our sports game Friday. Sort of forgot it was April Fool’s so many people thought I was joking. What’s funny is my friends that live here and a few who have spoken to me from back home were supportive cause they know. The haters who haven’t spoke to me started crawling out. I feel there is going to be a cleaning house on FB which I’m fine with. If I’m happy be happy for me. I’m not asking you to live my life, just respect it. And really when you think of all the crazy shit I’ve seen some of them do over the years without blinking an eye they can shut it!

Happy Tuesday!

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Moving forward

This has been an interesting week.

My dad & I had dinner Tuesday before he headed back home. He asked some more questions & we talked about things. I’m actually really glad my dad was here…I feel better having spoke with him & I know we’ll be ok. And he actually said he hopes it all works out when we said good bye.

My last just me therapy session was this week. It was nice to speak with her & talk about what’s been happening with the BF. Also what I have been feeling and how I’m doing. Which is better. Even before the BF came back around health wise I was getting back on track.

Wednesday was our 1st therapy session together. I admitted before it I was nervous & he was also. But it went well! It seemed to be a lot of getting the therapist up to speed on things and what has happened & what we are looking for. But she also asked some things that made us share…like what attracted us & what we like & how we feel. It felt good to hear him say he loves me. He tells me that a lot, but to say it in front of somebody else I know was him opening up. We both agreed we liked her & have 3 more weekly sessions scheduled.

Today marks 1 week since my mom & I have spoke. I did tell the BF about it cause he asked. It’s sort of weird not talking to my mom & there’s been a few times I wanted to text or call. But part of me feels like she needs to apologize for what she said (or more so how she said it) to me so I’m waiting for her to make the initial move. I know some of my friends are probably going to react the same as she did which I’m prepared for. They don’t need to understand or get my life, but I do ask that they respect it. If they can’t….then it says a lot about our friendship & I have no problem cleaning house.

Wishing all a very Hoppy Easter!!!

That went like I thought it would

Things have been going well between the BF & I. I told him about our therapy session this coming Wednesday. We spent some time together over the weekend. He invited me to church with him. It’s nothing like I have been to…it was non denomination and not a “traditional” type service. I enjoyed it. It gave me some things to think about…the topic was managing stress. I would like to go again.

Unfortunately on Saturday when talking with my mom she brought him up & it didn’t go well. All I got out was we were talking and that was about it. I let her say her piece…not much else you can do right? I understand those are her feelings, but this is also my life & I need to do what I need to. We haven’t spoke since. I’m not sure what will happen between me & my parents, but right now they aren’t my top priority. I spoke with my dad today cause he is still visiting. He was easier to speak with cause he didn’t get as emotional (or call me stupid). Basically he doesn’t trust him not to run off again which I understand. I was able to share more of my thoughts with dad & we are going to have dinner tomorrow before he leaves. The BF has told some of his friends and other family members we are working things out…they have responded positively. I haven’t mentioned my parent’s reaction as I want to give them more time as well as us.

I really do believe we can work this out and build our future. Otherwise I wouldn’t be risking my relationship with my parents. I have to say this past month has really taught me you can’t judge other people and their decisions because you don’t know their whole story. If somebody is happy then I am happy for them. If they are not then I will be there to support them if they want it.

Lately I have been getting news of friends ending long term relationships. One girlfriend lived with a guy for close to 13 years probably & that just ended last week. Now I’m sure there was a slow burn to the end there but it was still surprising. A bigger shocker came this morning when another friend told me her husband of almost 14 years moved out last week cause he’s having an affair & they are divorcing. I’m still like wow. These were couples I thought was doing it “right”. In some ways I’m like WTF is going on & should I be worried? But I’m not. I feel confident the BF & I have a solid relationship we are building, we are getting help & taking it just one day at a time.

I have one more session with the therapist I was seeing thru my work program tomorrow. I kept the appointment I guess just to talk. My anxiety feels better. As I feel more confident in our relationship that stuff is going away. I sleep thru the nights and don’t feel sick in the mornings. My weight has leveled off and I’m sure will eventually return (that’s kind of a bummer lol).

Here’s to the start of spring…perhaps its a sign of new growth & things to come??

Baby steps

So he came over last night. We had dinner, watched a few Big Bangs & then went for a walk around the block. After that I brought up the attending therapy topic. He was still game so I told him I had spoken with my insurance and found a place from several recommendations. Having only attended a few therapy sessions myself & never with someone this is uncharted waters for me. We talked about some things we hope to get from therapy…our communication & some trust issues but mostly how we handle the adult kids. It makes me feel better in a way he is also unsure what to do cause I know not being a parent I feel a disadvantage at times. We want to get advice and guidance on how to make this “family” work.

He also told me when he hung out with his older daughter Tuesday he told her we were talking. Her reaction was “ok”. Which is pretty much what I’d expect. She’s a little easier going and a few years older than the other. He also mentioned to her about us doing a weekly dinner & she reacted positively to that. I will admit I was a bit surprised he told her about us, but I also take that as a good sign he really does want this to work out. Positive thoughts!  As for the younger daughter he wants to speak with her also, but we both know she will be the harder one (it could be even years cause she’s got her own issues to work on). Again therapy will help this hopefully.

I called the therapist office this morning and what originally was going to be a month away is now an appointment next Wednesday evening. I will let him know tomorrow night at our sports league game. I don’t think we need to talk about “serious” stuff again if we talk today. I’m trying to keep our conversations easy & not always serious you know? That becomes tedious and who wants to conversate when its all so hard core. It would turn me off I think.

Happy St Patty Day!!!

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A surprise guest

So today I had a surprise guest show up…my dad. Which is great & all but I’m a little curious. He’s never come by himself in the 2.5 years I’ve lived here. Now it’s no biggie cause he will stay at the condo & my mom will be coming down Sunday to join for a few days before they head back north. But they live 1300 miles away. I’m sure he’s concerned about me cause I know Mom has told him everything going on. I saw him at lunch today & we made plans for after work tomorrow.

This gives me a little anxiety though cause I have not mentioned anything about HIM contacting me or spending time together. I love my parents & normally don’t ever keep anything from them, but I feel for now it’s best to see how the next few weeks go before I say anything. Is that wrong? I guess deep down I’m afraid they will be mad or unsupportive I am doing this. Not that they didn’t like him, but I’m their kid & they see what I’ve gone thru. Nobody wants to see their child hurt & I think they are worried especially since they don’t live close by.

Tonight he’s coming down to my place. We’re going to make dinner, watch tv & just chill. It will be interesting to see how things continue between us. Sometimes you say things in the moment and then a few days later it changes. I guess that is my fear right now…that he could just take off again any moment. Obviously I’ve developed some trust issues that I need to work thru. Unfortunately it sucks cause I never used to feel that way or worry. I’m hoping with time (and therapy) that too will resolve itself.

Happy hump day!!!

Just a girl who's flirting with 40…while trying to find love & happiness by the beach