Tag Archives: anxiety

Weekend getaway revelations

I type this as I’m flying back south after a weekend visit to Chicago. Less than 48 hours there, but an interesting trip for me. The reason for this trip was the wedding (the bachelorette party from last month) & as a bonus I got to see my dad for Father’s Day!

It started Friday after work. First flight was fine. Delays all over at the next airport which wasn’t affecting me initially, but eventually my flight was 40 minutes late leaving. Whatever. I wasn’t in a time crunch & I wasn’t going to be bothered by something I can’t control. Holy cow other people were super pissed though so I enjoyed dinner at my gate & some late evening entertainment! I landed really late, got my Lyft & made it to the hotel by 1:30am so not too bad. Yay!

Saturday morning after being up over 20 hours & with the time change I only got a few hours nap we’ll call it. Since it was 8am & I didn’t have to be ready for the wedding shuttle til 3pm…I went to the hotel gym. I know? Who the fuck am I?? I have become the weird person who works out AND LIKES IT on vacations. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I then went to breakfast at the restaurant & enjoyed a leisurely meal before I went back to nap some more & get ready. I pondered the pool but it was indoors and didn’t have good chairs to read or sleep on.

As I sat there eating breakfast I realized how much I have changed. I came all by myself on this trip (not even meeting up with my BFF as my wedding date), hadn’t spoke to anyone (outside of hotel or airport interactions) since I left work Friday & was actually doing things (not just hiding in my room) AND I WAS OK WITH IT. Ding ding. Wow big girl moment! I dare say I felt quite at ease and comfortable with my own company. I am always surprised when people tell me they won’t do things on their own cause it makes me then wonder how little I would be doing if I hadn’t adopted the just do it mentality 5+ years ago? Honestly I didn’t always feel comfortable or I’d feel very self conscious doing things solo especially if it was a couples or group type thing but I just kept pushing myself to go rather than miss out. Eventually I just ignored the feelings & did whatever it was. But this was the first time I honestly could say I was comfortable with being by myself.

Finally!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The wedding Saturday by the way was amazing! It was outside at an estate in a very upscale area and all top notch. I got to see the girls I met last month all gussied up plus several friends I hadn’t caught up with since I moved so it was very enjoyable. The bride & groom were a beautiful couple and I am so happy everything was perfect for them! Except the bloody heat & humidity. It was sweltering sitting there for the ceremony so I can only imagine how the wedding party felt standing. Seriously I never want to hear anyone bitch about Florida heat again! I mean if you are in the center of the state or some shithole area by all means but you brought that on yourself honey. I live on the Gulf & we have breezes and there’s never been a triple digit day. Now the Chicagoland area…they are having severe heat watch or whatever they call it & it’s like the face of the sun trying to breathe. I don’t miss any of that! I’m so happy to be on the plane headed south right now 🤣

I was a bum this morning. I considered working out again, but that would make 4 days in a row when I get home which I’ve learned doesn’t work for me. I need a recovery day if I want my workouts to be effective. My parents picked me up at the hotel & we went for Father’s Day lunch on the way to the airport. I was so happy to see my Dad today as I haven’t gotten to spend it with him in the 5 years since I moved. Plus I haven’t seen him since November for his birthday. We talk on the phone and stay in touch regularly but it’s just not the same. The parents are going on a vacation next week but I encouraged Dad at least (mom’s working) to come visit even for a few days after that so maybe.

All in all it was a great trip! I realized I’ve had a lot of personal growth which is good to see. I’m happy to be heading home though. I upped my gym membership this month & I’m having my food delivered again this week. I need to get back on track for my weight goals. I was so close and the last 2 weeks its gotten ugly. 😖 All on me & I know it so time to get serious again. The 4th of July is mygoal now!

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weekend wind down

I had a really nice weekend of nothing. Just relaxing, refreshing, renewing myself.

Doggy sitting was great! Saturday morning snuggles in bed & then I went to the beach for the afternoon. Got some great sun & sand time. Took about a 2 mile walk along the shore which was nice.

Saturday night I went out with my friend Tiffany since we’ve both been super busy & haven’t seen each other. Tried this adorable little German restaurant (thanks Groupon!) that was really good & authentic. I can’t wait to go again!

Sunday was another lazy morning with the puppies before I drove by my house since it’s been awhile to check things out. It looks ok–not sure about the new lawn company that took over so I’ll need to do a few more visits to check their work. Noticed the palm trees looked long so I called my tree guy to get them trimmed. The neighborhood as a whole seems to be on the upswing from when I started looking in there 3.5 years ago for houses. People have made exterior improvements, houses have been cleaned up, the foreclosures seem less. Yay!! I then did some shopping (need dresses for the upcoming wedding trip & then a bachelorette weekend) which was successful! Headed back to the house to let the puppies play outside before the storm hit. Which once it did we climbed in bed & watched TV/slept. Very uneventful day which is good for me.

I didn’t hear from J all weekend after we had drinks after kickball Friday. He had plans with friends coming from out of town. At first I was ok. Then I got bugged. Then I was all right. Then I started worrying. And about what I have no idea?!?!?! God I hate this crappy fear of I don’t know what…him disappearing? Leaving? I never used to feel this way. I think about everything I said & if I was ok? Or how he reacted. I sent him a text later Sunday & he responded a bit later that he just got home. I gave him a bit to settle & then called him. We chatted a bit which was nice. And nothing was wrong. He was fine. I was just having irrational stupid over thinking freak out. I would like to thank the previous douchebag for that! Argh…I really am trying to work on this issue with myself. I don’t want to hold other’s actions against him cause he’s done nothing wrong or even remotely close to it. He’s very sweet, calls me when he says he will & really likes me so I don’t want to blow it. I am glad to have therapy this week so we can discuss it.

give it time

Whew…things have been happening here. Unfortunately it seems when life is going well I don’t write as much which is a bummer cause so many good things have been happening. Whereas when life is a shit show I get that all down on paper. lol

March went by FAST! Hanging out with friends, having fun, organizing the new kickball team for Wednesday, getting trips for later this year planned, getting ready for my upcoming Jamaica trip. I even managed to do a little dating! Since the start of the year I have had various guys wanting to have fun but never knew what was going on or where it was going. So I have sat back & had a good time, but refused to get more involved if they aren’t pursuing. As I tell people when asked “I have a lot of pretty BOYS hanging around, but I am looking for a MAN who is going to step up” (which my guy friend said was pretty accurate & a good response). Well…Jay has stepped up. lol He is the guy from Wednesday night kickball that invited me out for drinks. And then we had drinks again after kickball. So when kickball was cancelled 2 weeks ago he asked me out to dinner I was impressed. Progress right? I had a good time & we’ve hung out more at the games too. This past Friday we had an off night for kickball in the other league so he asked me to dinner again! Had a really nice time getting to know him & talking. Plus he’s pretty darn good looking & I love his eyes so chatting with him is easy. Afterwards we went out to a bar where his friends were for some karaoke & hanging out. It was a fun night! I won’t lie–we got back to his place & things got going which I was fine with. I was like now or never girl cause let’s be real…it’s been a year & a half. Yup…the hooha had a party as my BFF & brother put it the next day (apparently we all share waaay too much with each other lol). He took his clothes off & I was like DAMN BRAVO applause, but I kept it inside. Luckily my diet has been going well (down 18 lbs last week) so I was feeling pretty good body image wise. Let me say it was a good time & I definitely want more! We have texted & talked over the weekend which is nice. I am trying to be positive & not let my anxiety kick in thinking of all the bad stuff that could happen or be happening cause I imagine it in my head. I’ll see him Wednesday at kickball which I am looking forward to.

Now on the other hand work has been a bummer. I found out I wasn’t even offered a job interview for the job I had applied for because I don’t have a bachelors degree. WTF? Apparently 15 years in the field plus all my other years of work experience wasn’t enough. I don’t know how classes I would have taken 20 years ago would even be relevant today & it doesn’t matter what the degree is in, but I don’t have one so I wasn’t qualified. Ridiculous if you ask me. But it made me rethink my current job & situation. My job is stable (public sector), I am union protected (can’t be fired), I have good hours (no weekends), I have good benefits (I pay minimal amounts for good coverage), vacation & sick time every month, I do actually enjoy what I do plus I do make good money. Add in my house rental income plus money I make at my side job…I am doing really well! They have taken away duties I was doing that wasn’t part of my job so actually my job has been much easier & enjoyable the past 2 months. So why rock the boat? I’ll just keep riding this out & if anything of interest comes along I’ll check it out.

I am in the count down to my Jamaica trip in May for my friend’s wedding! My girl up north who’s coming with is getting excited as well & we are both on the gym routine right now hard core so encouraging each other. I have found a dress I like, but I am not sure if it’s THE one though so still looking. I do have all my swim suits in order cause we know that IS important!

So I am just giving things time. Time to see what happens. Time for things to happen. I am not pushing or rushing anything. I have lots of plans coming up which I am excited about & just waiting for them can be hard, but it’s ok. My brother John has been great about letting me talk when I need to & be stupid irrational crazy get it out of my system. Living at his house has really been so good for me.

Feeling pretty good overall

It’s been a crazy few months. So crazy I haven’t been able to do much updating here. And some funny shit has happened that I’m sure would have been entertaining for you all.

Let’s see…Irma passed by. I had little damage at my house. Just a few screens needed replacing & that was it. The renters said they didn’t have power for about a week so they were in a shelter for a few days & then a hotel. Things had been going well at the house for a few months except the last few weeks of course. Something is wrong with the plumbing/pipes. Had the septic emptied, but didn’t resolve the issue. Now need a plumber to come fish the line cause something is clogged down the toilet. I’m really hoping the renters dropped something down the toilet that got stuck & it’s not roots or something bad with a broken pipe. We’ll see….

Work has been nuts. When I went back after Irma (had about a week off) people were off the wall batshit. I get there was a lot of stress & freaking out, but come on. Be a little professional. It was so bad in fact that I went home after the first day & restarted on my meds that I had stopped in February. I had been completely fine the entire hurricane yet going back to work in that environment had me literally an anxious mess in hours. So I bit the bullet & started back so within a few days I felt “normal” again. I felt like such a failure though I told my very close friends & therapist. It was hard for me to admit I was losing control again, but it was the best decision cause I could feel things starting to spiral. Except instead of throwing up I was eating like a starved fat kid at the buffet so I have packed on quite a bit weight. At this point I am 30 pounds heavier than I was a year ago (more on that later).

About mid-September I met a guy named Andy who I later renamed Fuckboy. I had a feeling about him being a bit of one, but my friends were really pushing for me to give him a chance & be open minded. After several weeks of him being up my ass everyday texting (yeah that was a sign so I kept my walls up) & hanging out a few times, I run into him at a bar on a Saturday night. With some other lady. The night after he cancels a date with me last minute cause of some emergency. Of course my friends bless their hearts jump into support mode–she’s not pretty, she looks so old, etc–but I’m not going to bash her. She’s irrelevant to me. I decide wtf do I have to lose & rather than just always wonder…I walk up to him on 1 side & sweetly say “hey what’s up?”. I have never seen somebody squirm & refuse eye contact & look so uncomfortable. hahaha!!! He stammers out a few things & actually has the balls to introduce me to whoever she is (I made sure to clearly say my name & shake her hand & smile big) before I turned my attention back on him. I remained calm & spoke quietly so I can’t be accused of acting crazy (we know how men LOVE to say that!!). I was like “what is going on?” to which he stated she’s his ex-gf who he thinks they are getting back together. Really after everything you said about her? He cringed & whether she heard me or not I don’t care. I said so the whole date the night before was fake & he never intended to follow thru. Oh no he assures me it wasn’t. Really?? Then riddle me Fuckboy how you are going on a date with me Friday night & getting back with her on Saturday? I should have leaned around him & let her know that was his plan. hahaha! Instead I said oh ok so you just did to me what you said you hate people doing to you–not being over their ex & wasting your time. Oh no he keeps saying. I just calmly kept repeating yes you did before he finally relented & says well yeah I guess so, I’m sorry. I said hey, best of luck then & walked away. Of course after that I was done with him & moved on with my night, but he kept staring at my group so my friends took turns waving. I was like whatever Fuckboy. I have no time for lies & BS in my life. I am glad I approached him & called him out rather than be left wondering wtf.

So that wraps up September & into October for me. I’ll get more caught up this week!

Am I a shitty friend??

I am starting to wonder? Between friends dating or staying with terrible people I am really over the drama.

Friends who stay in unhappy miserable relationships and complain about it. I don’t know what to say anymore. This isn’t high school. You know it’s not working. Or you know you deserve better but don’t want to be alone (one girl actually said that!). You have choices yet you choose to stay in it. Sorry but after the first “omg we broke up crisis” and you keep going back I’m just not gonna hear it. Or you keep saying what a crappy loser he is. I should say I’ll listen but I’m not going to say anything. You aren’t listening anyway. And don’t be surprised when I’m less and less available to hear about the drama too. I’m just past it. 

Maybe cause I follow the policy of shame on you the first time & then its shame on me for the times after that?? When Joe walked out the 1st time it was a huge deal for me. My friends were there. They were supportive. When I got back with him a month later I didn’t say much to people cause I knew I had no one to blame but myself for going back. And then months later when I was really stupid and went back for a 3rd time I knew it was ALL on me. I knew my friends wouldn’t understand me & to be honest I couldn’t blame them! I had no idea why I was being so stupid?! But at least I recognized I was being dumb and didn’t expect them to be there for me. Hello we all saw what was coming & bless the day I finally had MY moment so I could walk away! I keep hoping my friends will have those revelations too.

Maybe because I’ve chosen to address my issues (I realize not everyone does) and work on myself I don’t care to go backwards. And that’s what I see them doing so it’s frustrating to me. I’ve been trying to change up my routine and social circles to get around less drama people. I don’t want to totally ditch my friends, but I can’t handle all the unnecessary drama. It’s like if you have a friend who is usually great until they start excessively drinking then it all goes to shit? So you avoid situations with them that include alcohol. That’s how I feel with my friends in shitty relationships…I just want to avoid that part for now. I’m still working on me & I don’t want to get sucked into going backwards.

Does that make me a shitty friend? 🤔

It’s been a year 

A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months. 

I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.

I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge. 

None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.

It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊

Hello weekend 

Ahhh…made it thru the week. 😜 Which was soooo long it seemed. Granted I started off with a few late nights but it just felt like I couldn’t catch up. Work just drug out. A lot is happening there, but it’s staying under control. The gym I just can’t back into. My energy level is blah. I know my diet it crap and I’m feeling it! Changing my food around and trying to make better choices. I can’t get away from the sugar sweet junk though. 

I was happy on Thursday night to get to talk to Will. He’s still out west for work a few more days before he flies to the Midwest to spend a week with his kids. Then he’s finally coming back here!! Yeah I’m a little excited. We had good conversation (seems like we always do) talking about everything & nothing. I am looking forward to actually getting to spend some time together and see where it goes. 😊

Kickball last night was awesome! Our team won, but I also made a HUGE play when we really needed it & I’m not gonna lie…it felt great!!! It’s such a good time with friends and hanging out.

This weekend is pretty laid back. I’m hoping to get some beach time today if the weather allows it. Want to do some reading as well. Have a friend’s going away party tonight. Not sure about tomorrow yet. Maybe a movie? See how it goes.

Happy weekend all!! Do what makes you happy 😁