This has been a week of cleaning up loose ends and trying to stay on track.
It started with the fencing company when I went to check the fence last week after I got back from my trip. Looks great except it’s not really where we discussed?? Wtf is the huge gap between my fence and the neighbors?? Apparently the neighbor came out and yelled at the fence people about where THEY felt the property lines were despite the markings from the surveyor and the fence company having a site survey in their hands from me so they just moved the fence down. I said why was I not called or the project stopped?!?!? The fence looks good except for the huge gap which isn’t going to stop the trespassers cutting thru which my renters are complaining about and why I got the fence! So after some conversation with fence guy we’re seeing how things go and if it needs to be added on. Seriously though a phone call was all I needed and that’s what pisses me off.
Married roommates are back. No real explanation of who new roommate is or when that happened. New guy is short term and I haven’t see him so it’s working out well so far.
So POS & I have been back together almost 2 months. I’m not sure what we are or where things stand so I think that conversation is coming. When guys ask me out what should I say? We haven’t had any commitment type talks or anything along those lines. I don’t want to seem crazy but if we’re still not even on the same page after all this time then maybe it’s just not going to work. I don’t want all my eggs in the basket if he’s not and then a few months from now get the “oh I wasn’t going to commit to more” story. When we’re out and run into people he just introduces me by my first name. No explaination of who I am so I could be his sister or his neighbor??
Monday night at cornhole I was playing and hanging out so I was really surprised in a good way when DD1 came up and said hi. I hadn’t seen her in a bit so we caught up a little and were talking. I was surprised a bit later when POS showed up. I mean let’s be honest…he wasn’t there to see me. I’m sure he came cause DD1 had told him she was there and he admitted he was sitting at home bored. So I could try to believe that it was to see me but deep down I know it wasn’t. And I guess that hurts a little? Idk
I got a text when I was at the gym from POS about tomorrow nights game plan. We are going with some friends to see a local concert but apparently some one is having a surprise welcome back to town party we are stopping by at before. That will be interesting depending who shows up (honestly I don’t think anybody has missed this girl the 2-3 months she’s been gone but whatever). The girls in this crowd can be bitchy and shallow so we’ll see how it goes.
Today was Treat Yo Self day…what did you do?
Argh. I am not doing well. So here I sit at the dr waiting to be seen.
On Wednesday I hung out with POS’s oldest daughter (let’s call her DD1) and went to the movies. We were both having a bad day so we talked a little. I asked her about her meds and dr things which the next day I investigated thru my insurance finding a primary care dr. I’ve just gone to urgent care when I’ve had a problem or a specialist so I’ve needed a PCP but never bothered. I need some stronger meds than what my ear dr had given me and a PCP can do that.
I think a piling on of my coworker leaving (I know that’s silly but she is a big rock for me), my grandma birthday, getting the house in order for the rental, finances after paying double for awhile, my relationship with my mother, POS, my moving…maybe there is more even…has caught up to me. I can’t sleep or when I do it’s not well. I started throwing up again this week so I’m not really eating again. That I think is anxiety. I get up in the morning and can’t wait to crawl back in bed after work. I’m also trying to find a therapist to talk to. I was thinking a woman but it leaves only a few in my insurance so maybe a guy would work? Is that weird to go to a male therapist for a girl? Maybe he could offer me better relationship advice than women have?
Another issue this week is I found out POS is talking to women (or at least one he’s texting) from Tinder. I went thru his phone Tuesday night and found it. I know that isn’t right but when you’re scared and don’t want to get hurt perhaps you do stupid things? I did delete and block her but not knowing what I was doing I should have also deleted her text. Instead it was still there as numbers. I’m sure he’ll see it and figure it out. But what will he say? He’s the one who keeps telling me he’s not dating or sleeping with anybody (but isn’t the next step of texting meeting?). So now is he lying? He’s never lied that I know of before. And I do feel like it’s lies…don’t make me feel wearethisclose to having things working and then to see that? I’m not going to watch while you work on yourself with me for another woman. My days of being the fun open find yourself so you can marry the next girl are over! That has seriously happened to me several times. The movie Good Luck Chuck…yeah well I am Chuck and I’m done! Give me back my blended family books if it’s not me you’re going to blend with, stop being at the activities I’m at & get out of my life if this is how it’s going to be. I am not going to stand by and be friends while you have the life I wanted with somebody else.
So yeah that is probably causing some of my anxiety this week too. But I’m not saying anything to POS until after he does the work at my house Saturday. I need to get that stuff in order.
Oh goody the dr gave me a month script for low level Xanax & then we have a follow up. I’ve never taken anything like this. I need to find a therapist to talk to that’s for sure!
I feel my stress levels going up & my anxiety kicking in this week. It started Monday at work when my dear wonderful co-worker pulled us aside & said she was going to start the retirement process. I’m thrilled for her, but also selfish cause I don’t want her to go. She has been my rock, my confidante, the one I tell everything, advice giver. So I know even though that isn’t happening until mid-September I am starting to fuss.
Monday night at cornhole we played POS & his daughter. POS had told me Sunday that she was just broken up with by her BF cause “he didn’t know what he wanted” (I said wow sound familiar!) & had been upset. I told her if she ever wanted to hang or talk I was there for her (she thanked me) & left it at that cause I didn’t want to upset her. Later that night when she comes up to say good bye to me suddenly I see her eye well up & tears & she can’t talk so I followed her to the parking lot. We were out there for over an hour just talking & listening. I told her that I didn’t know what was going on between me & her dad, but he has always told me what’s been going on with her & her sister which must have opened the flood gates cause she talked to me about a whole bunch of topics. Her relationship/the BF, life, adulting, her relationship with her mom, her parent’s divorce, her mom being contacted by the recent ex-husband, anxiety/roller coaster emotion, counseling, her sister, her meds, her dr appts. You name it. We also at times talked about me & her dad & things with her & her sister. I mean it was kind of crazy but it also just flowed. I think she realizes I don’t judge & not being her “parent” she shared more like a gf would. It also helped me realize a few things with POS that I had sort of guessed or assumed, but hearing her version on things confirmed it.
Tuesday night I went by POS’s house to drop off the books (I’m letting him borrow the blended family book so he can finish it & also the step mom book to glance at cause it offered a good view of what I was going thru/feeling I felt when I read it) that I didn’t get to give him at cornhole cause I was out talking. I told him what had gone on between me & his daughter. I think he was even quite surprised by everything she shared with me cause it was more & in ways she doesn’t share with him. We talked a little more about a few things from the other night. It was getting late & I fell asleep on the couch while he was showering. He did the wishy washy stay whatever deal again, but I said no you need to decide…do you want me to stay or go home? He said yes I want you to stay.
I didn’t get a ton of sleep. It was also my Gram’s birthday yesterday which she has been gone about 2.5 years. It’s still hard for me some days cause I moved away just a few months before she passed. We talked on the phone a lot & were very close still. Luckily I saw her at Thanksgiving & she was fine then boom she went in the hospital for a month & died right after Christmas. But I still felt a lot of guilt not being there at the end for her, my mom, you name it and I don’t know if it’s something I have really come to terms with.
So this week has definitely got my anxiety going. POS is still coming Saturday afternoon to work down on my house before the renters come. I am doing some last minute organizing for that. Next week will be the big push for things to wrap up. I’m going tonight with his daughter to see The Shallows. She wanted to see Finding Dory & how we are now going to see this I don’t know? I don’t do scary movies, but I’m not sleeping anyways so why not?! She said she’s having a bad day (told her I was too) so we’re going to hang some beforehand. Here’s hoping the movie doesn’t scare the crap out of me!
It was interesting I will say. Friday night was just chilling with friends watching kickball. A nice way to end the week.
Saturday I went with a gf & her neighbors to the Dierks Bentley concert. It was a good time cause we spent the afternoon just talking and catching up on so many things. We both come from the same area up north so its refreshing to hang around “like” people. I had a good time, but the concert was a repeat pretty much of last year when POS & I went so it did at times get me down. But the drunks on the lawn around us kept it entertaining so that was good for laughs!
Sunday was the food tour with POS. It actually turned out to be a really fun day. We drove up there & turns out we were the only ones so we got a private 3 hour tour of all the places and tons of history about the area. It was hot but the food stops cooled us off and we had a great time! Totally encourage people to try those things if ever available. We drove back to POS’s house which I went in & we watched tv. Ended up falling asleep for awhile until he woke me that he needed to run to work quick so I went with. On the way back I did start asking questions. Probably cause I was still half asleep! Like why is he reading a blended family book? Which then led into talking about us. His issue he can’t get past is me having a relationship with the girls which I actually read a part of this blog to him from way back before the blowup where I state I want a relationship but just don’t know how or why they don’t like me. A few other things came up which he listened and said he’d never considered it from that view or my side. We went inside and talked a little more. He said he’s not dating or seeing anybody (it’s funny he never asks me that?) which I said is one of my insecurities cause an ex would always start dating others whenever he got mad at me. I pointed out that the past 6 weeks we have been “dating” or whatever you want to call it. I made a remark about relationships being scary and he sort of blurted out “I’m scared” to which I stopped talking. That to me was the most real he has been and actually something I can understand. I thanked him for saying that & admitting it cause I’m scared too. We were watching tv and just hanging when I was like well I’m going to go to which he was all well whatever you don’t have to indecisive like. I wanted him to make the decision…not just oh I assume or fall asleep…so I said no you need to tell me do you want me to stay or go. He said I want you to stay. Nothing happened. We cuddled a little but fell asleep. It really was just a nice day.
So yesterday morning after church I changed clothes and headed to POS’s house so we could leave for the food tour. I pull up and no vehicles. Not even his youngest daughter who’s been staying there. I knock. Then I call him. He got stuck going back to work for an emergency and oh well with all that happening he forgot about our plans. Obviously I’m hurt…not because of the work situation but to not even be remembered. He’s all just reschedule. I said listen you don’t want to do this and you should have just been honest. Oh no I want to. So is there really a work situation or is this all bs to not go? Come down here. Ok so I did. First to have a face to face conversation. Second it would be easier to reschedule together.
I go to his work where they are having issues. Again that’s not what bothered me. He apologized. I called the food tour and it’s rescheduled for 2 weeks from now. He starts telling me about his youngest who’s been living him and some issues he had. I just smiled. He helped her move to her mother’s new house the night before so he was actually happy she had left and her friend who is part of the package as well. So I said well since plans are shot for today want to do dinner later? He was like yeah so I said well I’ve been feeling steak so we can grill out but he said he wanted to go out. We made plans for later.
Later I head to his house and off we go for dinner. The bill came and he went to pay so I put in for my half which he wouldn’t accept. I asked is this a date to which he said uhh no so I said well then my friends don’t need to pay for me. He said cause he’d screwed up plans for the day he wanted to. We were both too full for ice cream so we headed back to his house. I was surprised when we got there and he was like want to come hang inside for a bit or go to the beach? So we waited a half hour before heading to the beach for sunset. Which omg it was crazy crowded! Walked and hung out at the beach til well after dark before leaving.
When we make it back to his house (he has to work but I have off) he’s like want to come hang so we watched tv and fell asleep. At some point I’m awakened by noise so I ask if somebody is in the house? Keep in mind we’re laying in bed. He had his shirt off but I had taken my shirt and shorts off to spend the night. Apparently his youngest daughter had come home with her sidekick. The doors to the rooms were open and my car was parked outside so I’m not sure what they thought or saw. Haha!! And here we actually had just fallen asleep and hadn’t slept together. Lol
This morning he started waking up for work and cuddled up with me for the last hour. I fell back asleep and he was gone when I woke. The girls were up and now had guys over from what I could hear talking. I got dressed and left without seeing them. I’ll be curious if she has anything to say to her dad. lol
But what a weird day it turned out to be (maybe weird isn’t the right word). Unexpected? And for a “not a date”…dinner, walk on the beach, watching tv, spending the night…it sure seems like a lot of date type activities to me. Or have I been away from dating for so long I don’t even know? What was interesting was he seemed to be the one that wanted to keep continuing our time together. Food for thought?
Dinner with VV the other night was fun. We had light conversation, tried a new restaurant & then went to the beach for a bit. He seems nice (I say that cause don’t they ALL start that way?) & he’s fun to hang out with but I just get this sense he wants more. He wanted to hang out again so I offered an invite to tonight with my friends–the boat races are this weekend and there is a block party downtown where they’re on display. I’m hoping it will be low key in a group setting. He texts me daily though. I’m hoping when he gets his kids back next week it will occupy his time more. Yes–2 kids. A 10 yo girl & 8 yo boy. Which I have nothing against kids & I do have a better idea now how to handle dating with kids, but since kids were the demise of my last relationship I’m just not super eager I suppose.
I’m really looking forward to the weekend. Really excited for the holiday and day off from work! I need some time to unwind. Saturday night we might go hear another band and get some dancing on! Sunday is the food tour that I’m doing with POS and Monday is a party at my “brother’s” (which VV was invited so I may see him again).
Speaking of POS…should I say anything to VV that I’m doing the food tour with him Sunday? I don’t want to lie or hide anything nor should I have to say anything but he has brought up POS a little when we hang out. I’m sure he’s trying to figure out the situation which I can’t even honestly answer. Sometimes I want to run over POS with my car and others I still love him. I know that’s messed up and also why I know I’m not ready to be with anybody else right now. I’m still working on me and getting my circle around me figured out.
I got my hair done last night with a new person & I love love love it!!! I feel so much better and excited. Funny how sometimes it’s little things. Maybe that’s the boost I need in the right direction?
It’s been an interesting weekend. These storms coming & going keep giving me headaches (blah) which I never got when I originally moved here. I always had them up north. Unfortunately it’s started again. The good news is either my allergies have settled down or my stress levels have gone down cause my ears aren’t plugging up anymore (they have been since end of January). I can hear again!
Friday night started with me trying to leave the house & my roommate’s adult daughter & husband (who stayed at the house this weekend while she went out of town) asking me if I had seen their bowl. I was like no & why are you leaving dishes laying around. Yeah then it dawns on me they mean weed & such. That’s not my scene & I admit I am naive to those things. They are staying to take care of the dog and make sure the ex doesn’t show up (which is good cause I don’t want to be in the middle of that drama). I like them but I’ll be glad when my roommate is back cause I’m used to her routine. Not to mention the house smells like weed a lot lately.
So Friday I go out with my gf & her bf to hear a band. After a bit we decide to call it a night. Guess we were feeling old. Lol. It had been a blah week and I just wanted some company so I texted POS. He was on his way home too so after I put on my pjs I went over to his house. He was in the shower so I turned on the tv and was just laying there. We talked a little about the week, night out, watched tv but really I just wanted company I guess? I fell asleep with him cuddling. Plus his bed is comfortable and the one I was given at the house isn’t. We woke up in the morning & I asked him about the food tour. He said he thought it would be fun and we always have fun together. I was like so what is the issue then and have you even given it more thought these months or are you full of it? He says he has and he’s reading one of the books from our therapy. He has just one big hold up he can’t get past. I had said something about the girls not being in our lives or something and that really bothers him I feel that way. I said that comment is being misunderstood and taken out of context. It was also said at our worst and lowest time of frustration for both of us which he agreed. I said I have always wanted them in our lives but for no reason they hated me no matter what I did and I was also unfairly blamed for things I didn’t do. I pointed out the girls and I have made huge steps forward in our relationship which he admitted seeing. I also said part of church teachings and such is forgiving so he can’t keep crucifying me for something I said when I have made changes not to mention the things he actually did to me I have been able to forgive and move forward. I’m not really sure where things are going. I mean if he won’t give us a chance at dating how can he see if there have been changes with me & the girls? 🤔
Saturday I was a bum due to more headaches. Although I feel my stress is leveling down as my body feels better. My ankle is improving! At therapy on Friday they said the flexion has increased and it is getting stronger. It’s still slow going and I have my exercises to do but I’m happy to know it’s healing.
Sunday has been my funday. It started with a good visit to church. I enjoy going and hearing the talk each week. Sometimes I get a lot out of it (like free therapy!) and it gives me things to think about. I no longer feel quite so self conscious about going by myself (haven’t run into POS) which I think is a good sign for my growth. I then hurried over to the golf course. What a hoot with my “brothers”!! I real golfed once back in ’97 with my dad and it was just argh. Today was so much fun and I actually was getting pretty into it. Unfortunately the rain and lightning hit us at the 12th hole so we booked it for the bathroom hut for shelter. Waiting with 3 guys in a small bathroom…we couldn’t stop laughing! The flooding and when a palm tree got struck nearby made us rethink our plan when it appeared no end was coming. The carts were barely making it thru the water and we hydro planed across a lot of green not to mention getting soaked. But it was way too much fun. I hope I get invited on the next guy outing.
Well here’s to hopefully a good week ahead! 😃