A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months.
I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.
I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge.
None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.
It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊
Watching somebody struggle from the sidelines is hard. You don’t know what to do or say but you want to be there. Especially when you have felt those same feelings.
My weekend was interesting. POS & I went to the party and then the concert Friday night. DD1 went along with us which was fine. The party was good. It was actually nice to catch up and chat with people. But I noticed POS was feeling pretty good already when we left for the concert. Got there & I went to find my group of friends. POS would circle around & we’d see each other and then he’d be off roaming again so I knew he was drinking lots. I just sort of hung back & observed.
Next morning I gave him a card for Sweetest Day after I asked him if we had any plans for that night (we didn’t). We ended up having “the talk” cause I was like its been almost 2 months what is going on here?? He says we’re just friends hanging out. Really??? Needless to say I was surprised since I don’t sleep with my friends. I recognized there was more to what he was saying so I was patient and just asked questions and listened. He said he feels numb. He doesn’t care. About anything. Work. Life. Nothing. He is just a robot going thru the motions of the day. I have noticed he’s been sleeping a lot and the past few weeks he has been “off”. I assumed it was stress from work not knowing he was in a slump. I asked if he wanted to hurt himself which he said no. He has been drinking more and more to the end of not knowing where he is over the edge. I have gotten a few texts from him when he’s had a lot and says he doesn’t know where he is (I don’t respond cause he’s drunk texting and assume who’s he with will handle the situation). But I find that scary!
I’m not sure where this depression is coming from or what’s triggering it. He claims not to either. His life appears to be going well (which isn’t everyone that is a mess?) but believe me…I understand the feelings of sadness and overwhelmed and not caring. It is the 5 year anniversary of his divorce. Maybe that’s it? I know I have certain days during the year that put me in a slump.
He hurt himself late Saturday at work (muscle pull) so we cancelled our dinner plans and stayed in Saturday night. Sunday I went to church and he said he might go to the dr. I asked him to keep me updated. I was pleasantly surprised when he did text me Sunday about 6:30 with an update and he’d been sleeping from the meds the dr gave him. I stopped by his house to check on him for a bit and then went home. I’m going to give him til Thursday. I’ll see if he contacts me this week. I also think we need to talk. He needs to hear it’s ok to ask for help and go get something if needed. Both his daughters have issues. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Just things aren’t firing correctly so get it back track. I am still taking my meds and I feel pretty good. Even with hearing what POS had to say it didn’t send me into some downward anxiety spiral. While I want to support him I can’t get sucked backwards into his issues if he isn’t willing to recognize or attempt to work on them.
I went to the beach Sunday. It was good therapy to walk along and listen to the water and think your thoughts. Soaked up some sun & read my book. It’s been a few weeks between being busy & red tide since I have gotten to enjoy it.