Tag Archives: feelings

so ready for the weekend

Whew…this has been a week! People be crazy I tell you. Work brought a lot of that. One lady came in several days this week yelling discrimination, threatening to sue & causing a scene among several departments. Next was the ever so polite gentleman who left a post it on the front wall that said “BITCH” with an arrow pointing at the front counter. Really…how old are we? And if you have an issue with staff, then speak to our supervisor. Oh wait, she’s a woman too so you probably hate her as well.

I completed my 1st 10K last Saturday!! I was super excited to finish so well (1:20 was my official time). I had planned on just walking, but ended up running probably close to 2.5 miles. I still finished feeling pretty good so I am on track for the more important 10K the end of April now! I have been really good the last month about getting in my steps & being more active.

My mom came down to visit last weekend. We went over to Disney on Sunday for the Flower & Garden festival. It was a good day just strolling around finding all the topiaries & chilling out. Some good people watching too. lol We do laugh a lot I have to say! My dad’s knee replacement last month went well & his recovery is coming along. I am hoping he’ll come visit soon too.

Kickball playoffs on Wednesday started this week & people decide not to show up. WTF? You can’t use subs so we had to play shorthanded, but amazingly those of us that came gelled together really well & pulled off a win. I was surprised honestly. I think next week the 1st game is going to end our season regardless who comes to play…the other team is very solid. But we had a good time! We are trying to field our team for next season & replace players which is a little more daunting than I had anticipated. Obviously as we lose original players, I want to replace them with better players so I am being selective in who I ask. I’m really looking forward to kickball tonight! It’s gotten to be a really fun bunch of people who play & we have a good time.

So here’s a funny…one of the guys from Wednesday kickball asked me out for drinks after the games. What’s interesting is I have known him from our Friday night league for awhile, but we never spoke or talked there. I had fun…played some pool, hung out with other players, talked a little. It was very low key…in fact so much that afterwards I was like hmmm what was that?? I like him, but I need to see where he’s headed with this. I am done making the first moves! I think I just also suck at dating. It’s such a gray area thing it seems & I have become a more black & white person.

Not sure what the game plan is for this weekend yet. Tomorrow I would like to get a bridge walk in (I have been doing that the last few Tuesdays since I stopped cornhole), but my feet are hurting today. I had to visit the foot doctor yesterday & he did some work on my nails. UGH! I know in a few days it will be fine, but right now it hurts! I wouldn’t mind a little beach time, but perhaps sand isn’t a good combo for the toes right now. I have been at the beach every weekend lately so I am getting my sunshine fix for sure. Sunday I have been hearing will be crappy weather so stuck inside. Maybe a movie?


In like a lion 🦁

March is arriving like a lion. RAAWWRRR!!!

Life is going well. I am almost scared to say that though. My new year resolutions of ignoring unhappy people & getting rid of time wasters is working out super. I have been hanging around positive people & focusing on my needs. I am actually done playing cornhole for now which is a little weird after 4 years every week, but it was time to try some new stuff. You would think it would free up 2 of my evenings, but it really doesn’t cause I am trying to get ready for upcoming 10Ks so I am putting in more time walking. I do get home earlier though which is a nice trade off.

I am playing in 2 kickball leagues which is fun! The Wednesday night crew is fun & we actually have hung out outside of kickball so meeting more people is great. We are getting ready to end the season, but most of us will be returning next season. Friday night kickball just started & will be a good time. The bonus part–Joe the creeper couldn’t fill his team so they aren’t playing this season! And since I am not playing Tuesday cornhole right now that means I NO LONGER HAVE TO SEE HIM!!!! Isn’t that amazing??? That’s how it frigging should have been 2 years ago!!! Life is so good. lol

Work has been ok. It is more enjoyable since I am doing just my job duties. I feel less stress & am much more caught up. An opening in another department did come up in February & yesterday I applied. I don’t know where it will go or if anything will even come of it, but at least I did it! The job closes on March 9th so it will be a bit before I hear anything either way.

My diet is good–I hit 12 pounds lost this morning! I have been sticking to my food plan except for the alcohol (lol I know). I might try to decrease it a little more to like 1000 calories a day & see what happens. Just under 4 weeks left in the gym challenge so I am motivated! I feel stronger & have really been putting in effort at the gym. A few people who haven’t seen me lately said my shape is changing & I am looking thinner so there is some progress! I was pleased last month also to become a Just Strong ambassador. They are a fitness clothing company in the UK that promotes & encourages women. So not only is it fun clothes to wear around, but I love the message of girl power being spread! If you decide you want to order I can give my discount code! http://www.juststrongclothing.com

So all in all I LOVE that March is roaring in!!! Feel the power! Know your value! 💙💚💛🧡❤️

Sticking to the program

I have really been trying to stick with my food & exercise program which is going pretty well! This is the middle of week 3. Weeks 1 & 2 showed great progress…I lost 7 pounds & was very active. Unfortunately I was also body sore from throwing myself in with such gusto & constantly moving for steps. lol I tried to level out my schedule. Now week 3 hasn’t been so great…I’ve actually gained a 2 pounds & while I am still being active to meet my weekly goals, it’s not as much activity as the previous weeks. I also had a couple snacks (nothing crazy, but still) from the food diet. Bad me!

Activity wise I am going to the gym 3 days a week. I have to say I am really enjoying it! I was afraid the extra visit a week would get tedious or burn me out & I would start to hate it (that’s happened before), but I haven’t felt that way at all so I am very surprised. Perhaps it’s just working into my schedule that I don’t notice the change? I also really enjoy the gym atmosphere (it’s a good social place for me) & the workouts themselves constantly change so it stays fresh. Using my FitBit (gosh I love that little gadget!) I set some goals weekly for myself which I find is working better for me than daily goals. By having weekly goals instead it allows me a little slack if I need a light day (either to recover or if I am too busy) & then I can go hard again. My weekly step goal is 70,000 & for active minutes is 300. I like having active minutes cause when I am riding my bike or working out I am still getting “credit” per se without having to walk around so I can do other activities. I have been meeting my goals so perhaps at week 4 I will do an increase.

The food portion is going well. Obviously having meals prepared & delivered to you ready to go doesn’t get any easier. The 1st week I had a national company, but the shipping charges were as much as the food so it was ridiculous & unsustainable for more than a month or maybe 2 if I really stretched the dollars. I did more research & found a local business that offers a lot more pricing & varying food options plus weekly delivery is $6 versus $150. YAY!!! The food is really good! I have no restrictions, not a picky eater (obviously!) & said I just wanted a balanced meal plan so I let them pick everything. Sticking to about a 1200 calories per day. I thought I would be starving compared to the monster portions I was eating before, but I am not. I have even skipped meals if I go out or I’m not hungry which I know isn’t good, but eating just cause I should eat doesn’t seem right either. I’ve definitely been getting more vegetables and items I normally wouldn’t be eating which is good. For the gym challenge we have to keep a food journal so that part has been very easy for me & obviously my food choice are spot on. I am told every week to cut the alcohol out (hahahaha!!!), but let’s be real…I want to make changes that are going to last & start having overall better long term habits. Can I go without booze for this 8 week challenge? Sure. But I am not going to live the rest of my life that way so might as well learn how to balance it.

Imagine that…eating balanced meals with regular exercise has me feeling good, losing weight, plenty of energy, my skin is better, my mood is better. I guess my trainers might actually have a clue what they’re doing. Yeah, they love me. hahaha!!!


Feeling pretty good overall

It’s been a crazy few months. So crazy I haven’t been able to do much updating here. And some funny shit has happened that I’m sure would have been entertaining for you all.

Let’s see…Irma passed by. I had little damage at my house. Just a few screens needed replacing & that was it. The renters said they didn’t have power for about a week so they were in a shelter for a few days & then a hotel. Things had been going well at the house for a few months except the last few weeks of course. Something is wrong with the plumbing/pipes. Had the septic emptied, but didn’t resolve the issue. Now need a plumber to come fish the line cause something is clogged down the toilet. I’m really hoping the renters dropped something down the toilet that got stuck & it’s not roots or something bad with a broken pipe. We’ll see….

Work has been nuts. When I went back after Irma (had about a week off) people were off the wall batshit. I get there was a lot of stress & freaking out, but come on. Be a little professional. It was so bad in fact that I went home after the first day & restarted on my meds that I had stopped in February. I had been completely fine the entire hurricane yet going back to work in that environment had me literally an anxious mess in hours. So I bit the bullet & started back so within a few days I felt “normal” again. I felt like such a failure though I told my very close friends & therapist. It was hard for me to admit I was losing control again, but it was the best decision cause I could feel things starting to spiral. Except instead of throwing up I was eating like a starved fat kid at the buffet so I have packed on quite a bit weight. At this point I am 30 pounds heavier than I was a year ago (more on that later).

About mid-September I met a guy named Andy who I later renamed Fuckboy. I had a feeling about him being a bit of one, but my friends were really pushing for me to give him a chance & be open minded. After several weeks of him being up my ass everyday texting (yeah that was a sign so I kept my walls up) & hanging out a few times, I run into him at a bar on a Saturday night. With some other lady. The night after he cancels a date with me last minute cause of some emergency. Of course my friends bless their hearts jump into support mode–she’s not pretty, she looks so old, etc–but I’m not going to bash her. She’s irrelevant to me. I decide wtf do I have to lose & rather than just always wonder…I walk up to him on 1 side & sweetly say “hey what’s up?”. I have never seen somebody squirm & refuse eye contact & look so uncomfortable. hahaha!!! He stammers out a few things & actually has the balls to introduce me to whoever she is (I made sure to clearly say my name & shake her hand & smile big) before I turned my attention back on him. I remained calm & spoke quietly so I can’t be accused of acting crazy (we know how men LOVE to say that!!). I was like “what is going on?” to which he stated she’s his ex-gf who he thinks they are getting back together. Really after everything you said about her? He cringed & whether she heard me or not I don’t care. I said so the whole date the night before was fake & he never intended to follow thru. Oh no he assures me it wasn’t. Really?? Then riddle me Fuckboy how you are going on a date with me Friday night & getting back with her on Saturday? I should have leaned around him & let her know that was his plan. hahaha! Instead I said oh ok so you just did to me what you said you hate people doing to you–not being over their ex & wasting your time. Oh no he keeps saying. I just calmly kept repeating yes you did before he finally relented & says well yeah I guess so, I’m sorry. I said hey, best of luck then & walked away. Of course after that I was done with him & moved on with my night, but he kept staring at my group so my friends took turns waving. I was like whatever Fuckboy. I have no time for lies & BS in my life. I am glad I approached him & called him out rather than be left wondering wtf.

So that wraps up September & into October for me. I’ll get more caught up this week!


Where the wind blows me

That’s how I’m feeling today. No real plans. Blah weather. I’m in the mood for something but I couldn’t tell you what??? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Right now I’m starting at the car dealership to get my tire replaced. Yup that’s the 3rd tire with a nail since this spring. I have no idea where I’m driving or parking that this is suddenly such an issue for me. Thank goodness for that tire warranty!!!! 🙏

Not sure what my next stop will be. We’re getting a lot of rain. ⛈ Not sure if that’s an off shoot from hurricane Harvey? I feel like just poking around & seeing what I find. This is rare for me cause usually I have everything so scheduled if I want to do anything. 

Here’s to hoping everyone has a wonderful weekend! 💙💜❤️


was I catfished???

So the past few weekends due to rain & not getting off my lazy butt I’ve been watching a lot of mindless daytime tv. And the show Catfish on MTV is playing a lot of reruns. The premise is pretty simple…people meet online, develop relationships without meeting, the TV show has them meet in real life & sometimes they aren’t always who they claim to be. Shocker! Crazy! Imagine that?!?!?! lol

Anyways…it got me thinking. Is Will catfishing me? The last time I heard from him was Monday of this week. The week before he talked to me on Tuesday, said he had to stay in Portland for another week for work, the trip then to STL got delayed a week, then he’d be back in FL, etc… Apparently his work was having some issues, trying to get caught up & restructuring with new employees & lost employees. Thursday he texts me there was a company meeting & changes within were being made. He’ll be doing less travel for on-site training, but he still has the FL & Portland accounts active so he’d be back in FL more plus a few other things. He seemed fairly confident & in my mind I was like well ok we’ll see when he gets back here how things play out between us when we actually get to date.

Fast forward to this past Monday afternoon when I get a text he lost his job. I responded after the gym with a sorry (what do you say? I mean it really sucks) & he called me right away. He was back in STL & the company had a meeting that morning where they let him go (basically he cost too much with travel, etc… so again in my eyes understandable). He claimed to already have a few leads & things set up cause he’d been sort of looking the past month. But who knows where he’ll end up location wise? I didn’t ask cause it’s none of my business I feel. Do what you have to do. He did mention a city in FL, but I didn’t respond & he didn’t further it. And I haven’t heard from him since.

But I am starting to wonder…was he even really being real? Is the ex-wife REALLY an EX?? When I asked he said yes he was divorced, but there were a few flags there that popped up. He never did get settled in down here so it’s not like he has to come back for anything. Was he really ever going to move here? He had no housing or belongings down here. His work paid for hotel & travel when he was here to do training & then poof…he’d pack up his bag & off to the other city. I always kind of wondered if I was just a side attraction for when he was down here? It was just this weird feeling I couldn’t shake. Not to mention it would be days (like 4-6) before I’d hear from him & then he’d pop up again.

Where things start to really not add up for me…the phone number he gave me he at one time he said was a work phone. I did notice he carried 2 phones once (he claimed that one was for his kids) & it seemed a little shady, but I never saw a 2nd phone again. If you lost your job in the afternoon & got your stuff/left the office, how are you calling me from the work cell number later on? Strange right cause wouldn’t work keep all their property?? So did you really lose your job or is that a rouse to explain why you won’t be back in FL? Also his name. When we met on Tinder (oh yes cause everything on there is TOTALLY legit lol) his name was William. When we met the 2nd time he said he went by Will & it was actually his middle name cause he didn’t like Michael growing up. But whenever he’d refer to himself in 3rd person he wouldn’t call himself Will. For example he’d say “the guys at work said oh Mike blah blah” or “I said to myself hey Mike blah blah”. Weird right??? I did tease him about which first name would he like to be called, but I never did really call him out on the name part when I caught the inconsistencies. Shame on me. And then there was his last name. He changed it when he was in his early 20’s to his real father’s last name (he didn’t meet his dad until then either). Now for a guy that does IT & all that technology type stuff & being 36 yo which is prime age for Facebook…he was fairly hard to google. I found nothing. The phone number didn’t hit anything. The names even when I tried a bunch of combos didn’t either. Another weird flag. And I’ll admit I am a pretty good stalker!

So just all those flags & inconsistencies & watching too much Catfish lately has me wondering….have I been catfished??? Was this all some guy just bored on the road inventing stories to entertain himself while away from his family & home?? Or even just a guy at home bored with life & needing a fake reality to escape to??


It’s been a year 

A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months. 

I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.

I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge. 

None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.

It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊