Tag Archives: feelings

A miracle happened

My room is finally unpacked & about 90% organized. ūüôĆ ūüôĆ

I know…it’s crazy! Last Sunday I got up, walked 6 miles, took myself to lunch & then came home to tackle the “project”. Seriously it took me like 7-8 hours of plugging away to get it done, but I was determined to get it done. I started with clearing out the garbage (empty bags, boxes, magazines, etc…) to give myself room. I tackled the clothes piles & how I wanted the drawers organized. I also made some bags for clothes that don’t fit for friends to try (my loss is their win) before Goodwill gets it. Then the clothes folding & real unpacking began… I actually ran out of space & put out some texts to find another dresser. Within an hour I had another dresser dropped off (thanks awesome neighbors! ūüėė) so I could resume the project. I’m telling you I was DETERMINED to get this done as much as possible! I am pretty pleased with the final results. I still have a little to go (random boxes of things), but who cares it’s about done finally. It only took 7.5 months after moving in! ūü§™¬†I did tell my brother I need a door (yup I’ve had no door this whole time) & the ceiling fan re-installed so I’ll give that another week to happen before I really get on him about it.

Other than that I haven’t been very motivated this week. Which isn’t good for the diet at all. ‚ėĻÔłŹ The last 3 days I have come home from work & just done nothing (the heat¬†or rain kills any motivation I have). Except eat. So not good! I have been trying a new routine with the gym. I have started going 1 day a week in the morning before work to get that extra workout in if I can’t make it on the weekend. Honestly it’s not that bad at 6am! Except it leaves my nights free¬†so then I eat. ūü§∑ūüŹľ‚Äć‚ôÄÔłŹ

So happy it’s finally Friday!!

I haven’t played kickball in forever on Fridays & I’m looking forward to the new team I’m on for the summer!!

Advertisements

it’s closing in…

My birthday that is!!!

Flirting with 40 is almost over with less than 2 days to go. Which makes me a little sad cause when I started this blog is felt like¬†40 was still a bit off, but¬†time has just flown by. There have been of course big ups & downs. A few tears too, but honestly more laughter. SO MUCH LAUGHTER. I have grown so much as a person & really started to¬†figure out who I am. I have let go of friendships that were no longer healthy for me. I now know that that is ok to do as different phases of life bring in different types of people. I have met so many more wonderful people who have all helped me grow & learn about myself in some way big or small. Some of those people continue to still be in my life while others have already passed thru. My core circle of friends although small is rock solid & I know they are the people who will go to war with me. And isn’t that what one really needs? To know you have even just 1 or 2 people that so¬†believe in you & want good things for you so that when you¬†forget they are there to remind you. Those are MY people.

Why couldn’t I have started down this path¬†10 years ago? But I suppose that is what your 30’s are for. Trying to find who you are & becoming ok with it. I am excited for my 40’s. More adventures. More laughter. More travel. More friends. Hopefully more love. I really do believe I will meet the right man. I know there will be more tears, but that only means I am trying. Not everything is always a success & there will be failures except I now feel better prepared to handle them.

where is this month going???

May is going by sooooo fast & that makes me a little sad cause it’s MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!!! I want it to linger as long as possible especially since the BIG 4-0 is here. At least I am back in town now for a bit. But so many fun plans I can’t wait for!

Just got back from a weekend bachelorette party on the other side of the state. Honestly I haven’t been to that side in almost 20 years & it’s not where I could live. The beaches aren’t even comparable. The houses are pretty to admire though. The area is very over priced so going out is expensive, but it was a¬†fun time. There was 10 of us girls sharing a house & I think we did pretty well. Only a little drama from some of the bridesmaids. lol We did do a¬†bike bar thing one afternoon where everyone pedals & we stopped at a few bars. That was so much fun! I definitely recommend that for any type of group outing.

The rain this week has been non-stop. And the love bugs. I have never seen anything like that even though I have lived here for 4.5 years. WTF???!!!! When the swarms come I am not going outside! HELL NO. Then my car adventures…2 weeks ago I had to replace all 4 tires. It was time & I knew it was coming so I wasn’t shocked when the dealership told me (I was there for an oil change). Still a chunk of change though to part with.¬†Then I notice last week when washing it there is a big spot on my rim missing from either taking the tires on or off. Now I am not your typical flakey girl when it comes to my cars…I am very on top of it & take care of it so I notice this stuff. Back to the dealership I go where they notice none of the rims look right (there was black coming thru the silver). A day later I get a text that 4 BRAND SPANKING NEW rims are being ordered & will be put on the car all at NO CHARGE cause it was factory covered. HELL YEAH!!!

Yesterday was my 2 year anniversary of moving out my house & to the “new” city. I have lived in 3 different places, but I really have found my niche I believe. I love the area I am in! It’s perfect for me location & activity wise & friends. I have to say I am happy in that aspect. Things have been an adjustment at the house. Living with kids has been a whole new adventure for me. They are a hoot though & I¬†enjoy having them around.¬†My room is still not unpacked which I am sure is my biggest problem. But who wants to clean & organize their bedroom when so much other fun stuff is happening? I suppose all the rain this weekend will help me do that. And I know once it’s done I’ll feel better too.

The dating scene….it is interesting. I know I am at a good point in my life where everything has come together & I even told my therapist last month I really feel ready to have a relationship. And I have faith that it will happen this year cause things are just going so well. But patience is just not my thing! Things with J are going ok. Before I went to Jamaica 2 weeks ago I wanted to have some sort of informal chat about where things were with us & unfortunately it happened over the phone which I would have preferred in person. What came of that is he does have fun when he’s with me, but he’s not out searching for relationship although he isn’t opposed to one happening. He’s not into labels. He hasn’t had a real serious anything since his divorce 3 years ago & while I respect that he got hurt badly, I am not going to deal with somebody who hasn’t dealt with their issues. Not doing that again!!! I have gone to therapy, faced my problems & am putting in the work¬†to become a better me. I refuse to go backwards. I feel like he’s just very indifferent. If I am there–great. If I am not–ok. If he sees me–fun. If he doesn’t–oh well. And I want more. I AM WORTH MORE. I want a man who’s excited & wants to see me. When a week goes by he’s trying to make plans¬†to see¬†me. That’s just not happening here. J & I usually text or talk daily or every other day which is nice, but I don’t want a relationship with my phone. Not in the early stages of whatever this might be. I want to give things time & I am trying to be patient, but I also don’t want to be stupid wasting my time. It’s a very hard line I am realizing & I don’t do grey well. At some point I will need to decide. As of now he’s not able to attend any of my birthday plans or functions I have been invited to or am attending for the next few weeks. Which I am fine with some of it cause he has his kid, but I also feel at moments like this I want people around me who will be here in the future moving forward. If you’re not in it, then don’t come for the fun stuff. I don’t want you in those memories.

So with all that being said I re-opened my online dating profile last weekend and I have gotten some serious hits already. I have a lunch date Saturday. And possibly some others may happen too. I talked with my therapist about it yesterday. J has shown me his feelings & I need to listen. I am not totally writing him off as part of me wants to believe he could be the right guy so I will give him more time, but I am not putting out the effort anymore. We both have traveling in the next few weeks so I figure another month to see what happens. Either it will fizzle out or he will step up. In the mean time I am going to continue doing my thing & if I meet somebody else then so be it.

weekend wind down

I had a really nice weekend of nothing. Just relaxing, refreshing, renewing myself.

Doggy sitting was great! Saturday morning snuggles in bed & then I went to the beach for the afternoon. Got some great sun & sand time. Took about a 2 mile walk along the shore which was nice.

Saturday night I went out with my friend Tiffany since we’ve both been super busy & haven’t seen each other. Tried this adorable little German restaurant (thanks Groupon!) that was really good & authentic. I can’t wait to go again!

Sunday was another lazy morning with the puppies before I drove¬†by my house since it’s been awhile to check things out. It looks ok–not sure about the new lawn company that took over so I’ll need to do a few more visits to check their work. Noticed the palm trees looked long so I called my tree guy to get them trimmed. The neighborhood as a whole seems to be on the upswing from when I started looking in there 3.5 years ago for houses. People have made exterior improvements, houses have been cleaned up, the foreclosures seem less. Yay!! I then did some shopping (need dresses for the upcoming wedding trip & then a bachelorette weekend) which was successful! Headed back to the house to let the puppies play outside before the storm hit. Which once it did we climbed in bed & watched TV/slept. Very uneventful day which is good for me.

I didn’t hear from J all weekend after we had drinks after kickball Friday. He had plans with friends¬†coming from out of town. At first I was ok. Then I got bugged. Then I was all right. Then I started worrying. And about what I have no idea?!?!?! God I hate this crappy fear of I don’t know what…him disappearing? Leaving?¬†I never used to feel this way. I think about everything I said & if I was ok? Or how he reacted. I sent him a text later Sunday & he responded a bit later that he just got home. I gave him a bit to settle & then called him. We chatted a bit which was nice. And nothing was wrong. He was fine. I was just having irrational stupid over thinking freak out. I would like to thank the previous douchebag for that! Argh…I really am trying to work on this issue¬†with myself. I don’t want to hold other’s actions against him cause he’s done nothing wrong or even remotely close to it. He’s very sweet, calls me when he says he will & really likes me so I don’t want to blow it. I am glad to have therapy this week so we can discuss it.

give it time

Whew…things have been happening here. Unfortunately it seems when life is going well I don’t write as much which is a bummer cause so many good things have been happening. Whereas when life is a shit show I get that all down on paper. lol

March went by FAST! Hanging out with friends, having fun, organizing the new kickball team for Wednesday, getting trips for later this year planned, getting ready for my upcoming Jamaica trip. I even managed to do a little dating! Since the start of the year I have had various guys wanting to have fun but never knew what was going on or where it was going. So I have sat back & had a good time, but refused to get more involved if they aren’t pursuing. As I tell people when asked “I have a lot of pretty BOYS hanging around, but I¬†am looking for a MAN who is going to step up” (which my guy friend said was pretty accurate & a good response). Well…Jay has stepped up. lol He is the guy from Wednesday night kickball that invited me out for drinks. And then we had drinks again after kickball. So when kickball was cancelled 2 weeks ago he asked me out to dinner I was impressed. Progress right? I had a good time & we’ve hung out more at the games too. This past Friday we had an off night for kickball in the other league so he asked me to dinner again! Had a really nice time getting to know him & talking. Plus he’s pretty darn good looking & I love his eyes so chatting with him is easy. Afterwards we went out to a bar where his friends were for some karaoke & hanging out. It was a¬†fun night! I won’t lie–we got back to his place & things got going which I was fine with. I was like now or never girl cause let’s be real…it’s been a year & a half. Yup…the hooha had a party as my BFF & brother put it the next day (apparently we all share waaay too much with each other lol). He took his clothes off & I was like DAMN BRAVO applause, but I kept it inside. Luckily my diet has been going well (down 18 lbs last week) so I was feeling pretty good body image¬†wise. Let me say it was a good time & I definitely want more! We have texted & talked over the weekend which is nice. I am trying to be positive & not let my anxiety kick in thinking of all the bad stuff that could happen or be happening cause I imagine it in my head. I’ll see him Wednesday at kickball which I am looking forward to.

Now on the other hand work has been a bummer. I found out I wasn’t even offered a job interview for the job I had applied for because I don’t have a bachelors degree. WTF? Apparently 15 years in the field plus all my other years of work experience wasn’t enough. I don’t know how classes I would have taken 20 years ago would even be relevant today & it doesn’t matter what the degree is in, but I don’t have one so I wasn’t qualified. Ridiculous if you ask me. But it made me rethink my current job & situation. My job is stable (public sector), I am union protected (can’t be fired), I have good hours (no weekends), I have good benefits (I pay minimal amounts for good coverage), vacation & sick time every month, I do actually enjoy what I do¬†plus I do make good money. Add in my house rental income plus money I make at my side job…I am doing really well! They have taken away duties I was doing that wasn’t part of my job so actually my job has been much easier & enjoyable the past 2 months. So why rock the boat? I’ll just keep riding this out & if anything of interest comes along I’ll check it out.

I am in the count down to my Jamaica trip in May for my friend’s wedding! My girl up north who’s coming with is getting excited as well & we are both on the gym routine right now hard core so encouraging each other. I have found¬†a dress I like, but I am not sure if it’s THE one though so still looking. I do have all my swim suits in order cause we know that¬†IS important!

So I¬†am just giving things time. Time to see what happens. Time for things to happen. I am not pushing or rushing anything. I have lots of plans coming up which I am excited about & just waiting for them can be hard, but it’s ok. My brother John has been great about letting me talk when I need to & be stupid irrational crazy get it out of my system. Living at his house has really been so good for me.

so ready for the weekend

Whew…this has been a week! People be crazy I tell you. Work brought a lot of that. One lady came in several¬†days this week yelling discrimination, threatening to sue & causing a scene among several departments. Next was the ever so polite gentleman who left a post it on the front wall that said “BITCH” with an arrow pointing at the front counter.¬†Really…how old are we? And if you have an issue with staff, then speak to our supervisor. Oh wait, she’s a woman too so you probably hate her as well.

I completed my 1st 10K last Saturday!! I was super excited to finish so well (1:20 was my official time). I had planned on just walking, but ended up running probably close to 2.5 miles. I still finished feeling pretty good so I am on track for the more important 10K the end of April now! I have been really good the last month about getting in my steps & being more active.

My mom came down to visit last weekend. We went over to Disney on Sunday for the Flower & Garden festival. It was a good day just strolling around finding all the topiaries & chilling out. Some good people watching too. lol We do laugh a lot I have to say! My dad’s knee replacement last month went well & his recovery is coming along. I am hoping he’ll come visit soon too.

Kickball playoffs on Wednesday started this week & people decide not to show up. WTF? You can’t use subs so we had to play shorthanded, but amazingly those of us¬†that came gelled together really well & pulled off a win. I was surprised honestly. I think next week the 1st game is going to end our season regardless who comes to play…the other team is very solid. But we had a good time! We are trying to field our team for next season & replace players which is a little more daunting than I had anticipated. Obviously as we lose original players, I want to replace them with better players so I¬†am being selective in who I ask. I’m really looking forward to kickball tonight! It’s gotten to be a really fun bunch of people who play & we have a good time.

So here’s a funny…one of the guys from Wednesday kickball asked me out for drinks after the games. What’s¬†interesting is I have known him from our Friday night league for awhile, but we never spoke or talked there. I¬†had fun…played some pool, hung out with other players, talked a little. It was very low key…in fact so much that afterwards I was like hmmm what was that?? I like him, but I need to see where he’s headed with this. I am done making the first moves! I think I just also suck at dating. It’s such a gray area thing it seems & I have become a more black & white person.

Not sure what the game plan is for this weekend yet. Tomorrow I would like to get a bridge walk in (I have been doing that the last few Tuesdays since I stopped cornhole), but my feet are hurting today. I had to visit the foot doctor yesterday & he did some work on my nails. UGH! I know in a few days it will be fine, but right now it hurts! I wouldn’t mind a little beach time, but perhaps sand isn’t a good combo for the toes right now. I have been at the beach every weekend lately so I am getting my sunshine fix for sure. Sunday I have been hearing will be crappy weather so stuck inside. Maybe a movie?

Sticking to the program

I have really been trying to stick with my food & exercise program which is going pretty well! This is the middle of week 3. Weeks 1 & 2 showed great progress…I lost 7 pounds & was very active. Unfortunately I was also body sore from throwing myself in with such gusto & constantly¬†moving for steps. lol I tried to level out my schedule. Now week 3 hasn’t been so great…I’ve actually gained a¬†2 pounds & while I am still being active to meet my weekly goals, it’s not as much activity as the previous weeks. I also had a couple snacks (nothing crazy, but still) from the food diet. Bad me!

Activity wise I am going to the gym 3 days a week. I have to say I am really enjoying it! I was afraid the extra visit a week would get tedious or burn me out¬†& I would start to hate it (that’s happened before), but I haven’t felt that way at all so I am very surprised. Perhaps it’s just working¬†into my schedule that I don’t notice the change? I also really enjoy the gym atmosphere (it’s a good social place for me) & the workouts themselves constantly change so it stays fresh. Using my FitBit (gosh I love that little gadget!) I set some goals weekly for myself which I find is working better for me than daily goals. By having weekly goals instead it allows me a little slack if I need a light day (either to recover or if I am too busy) & then I can go¬†hard again. My weekly step goal¬†is 70,000 & for active minutes is 300. I like having active minutes cause when I am riding my bike or working out I am still getting “credit” per se without having to walk around so I can do other activities. I have been meeting my goals so¬†perhaps at week 4 I will do an increase.

The food portion is going well. Obviously having meals prepared & delivered to you ready to go doesn’t get any easier. The 1st week I had a national company, but the shipping charges were as much as the food so it was ridiculous & unsustainable for more than a month or maybe 2 if I really stretched the dollars. I did more research & found a local¬†business that offers a lot more pricing & varying food options plus weekly delivery is $6 versus $150. YAY!!! The food is really good! I have no restrictions, not a picky eater¬†(obviously!)¬†& said I just wanted¬†a balanced meal plan so I let them pick everything. Sticking to about a 1200 calories¬†per day. I thought I would be starving compared to the monster portions I was eating before, but I am not. I have even skipped meals if I go out or¬†I’m not hungry¬†which I know isn’t good, but eating just cause I should eat doesn’t seem right either. I’ve definitely been getting more vegetables and items I normally wouldn’t be eating which is good. For the gym challenge we have to keep a food journal so that part has been very easy for me & obviously my food choice are spot on. I am told every week to cut the alcohol out (hahahaha!!!), but let’s be real…I want to make changes that are going to last & start having overall better long term¬†habits. Can I go without booze for this 8 week challenge? Sure. But I am not going to live the rest of my life that way so might as well learn how to balance it.

Imagine that…eating balanced meals¬†with regular exercise has me feeling good, losing weight, plenty of energy, my skin is better, my mood is better. I guess my trainers might actually have a clue what they’re doing. Yeah, they love me. hahaha!!!