A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months.
I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.
I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge.
None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.
It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊
I feel like I am getting back in the game again.
First my weight is at 168 lbs. Yay me! It’s been holding there for the past week which I think is a good sign. Obviously I’m still reaching for my goal of 160, but this is definitely signs of encouragement for me. Keep staying active & really think about what I eat!!
Next off…my dating life. It’s gotten a bit of a revival recently. Online dating is a necessary evil I feel to just try to meet more people. Where else can one go? As much as I do & try to spread my social circle it seems to be with a lot of people already in relationships. I have basically been using 2 sites (Tinder & Bumble) to find matches. Thanks to Tinder this week I have 2 meet ups.
#1 was last night after my cornhole league was over he stopped by the bar for a drink. His name is Mark. We had a very nice 2 hours of chatting & hanging out. I liked him & would like to get to know him more, but there are some obstacles. He works a goofy schedule (commercial pilot) which I totally understand & he also has 4 daughters ranging from 9-12 yo (a set of twins in there). So he’s pretty busy! Plus his divorce has only been officially final for a month so even though it’s been over, it’s now freshly over you know? He admits he’s just trying to get back out there & attempt having a social life with his job/kids which I appreciate his honesty. But here’s my deal…I know what I bring to the table. I don’t want you to be with me cause I’m the 1st girl you dated after divorce or cause you had a few weird encounters online & you think I’m really normal (yeah he said that lol). I want somebody who recognizes what a catch I am, WANTS to be with me & treats me accordingly. So go out there & date some other women so you can appreciate what I have to offer (sane, employed & financially responsible for starters which many woman down here aren’t!). He said he’d like to meet again which I said sure & to stay in touch with our schedules! So we’ll see….
#2 is happening tonight. Meeting for drinks. William is closer to my age. Grew up in the Midwest also. We have texted some, but I don’t know a whole lot about him so I am curious. Looking forward to it! Then I need to make an appearance at my other cornhole league which is having an opener meet & greet tonight. Honestly I just didn’t feel like hanging out with Joe & his partner Katie (shitty girl in previous posts) for a whole evening. It makes for an awkward time (watching her hang on the married guy is weird) & I have better things to do & people to hang out with. William is going on a work trip for 2 weeks & this was our only chance to meet before. Plus I’m crazy…remember? hahaha!!!
**only 2 more days til my birthday. Gosh that 40 is getting closer….
Well I’ve been holding at 170 since right after the weigh in last week. Argh…how can I break that barrier into the 160s & stay there?? Feeling frustrated.
I was better about my food amounts & choices last week. I realized after a few days of eating out (mandatory work lunches) to reel it back in which I did.
I did get a compliment on Saturday from a group of girls that they “wished our abs looked anywhere like yours”. Very nice to hear but I’m still not happy cause I know they’ve been better. It will inspire me to try harder at the gym too since we are in full swim season now (hello 90s)!
This week still trying to log my steps (man I have been BAAAD about reaching those goals!), food control & at the gym putting some weight on the bar. Yup, that’s my May gym goal to actually put weights on the bar when we use it (I only lift the bar by itself). My trainer of course is delighted I’m showing some initiative. 😂
Also I need to write here more. So much fun good stuff has been happening that I haven’t been sharing!
172 lbs 😞 I didn’t get a picture this morning cause running behind but I saw the scale numbers. Blah!!
I know this weekend was rough & having to weigh in first thing Monday morning sucks. I ate probably close to what I ate all last week in 2.5 days. AND I JUST DIDN’T CARE. Yup that’s how life has been for me lately & I know that’s not a good attitude to have so I’m trying to turn it around. Plus my sleep pattern is still wacky so I need to work on that.
This week’s goals are get back on the right track food wise & work on my sleep pattern. That will be a good start.
I lost the battle but the war is not yet over!!
Woo hoo it went down!!! 🎉
I got more steps this week in. Not as much as I hoped for but it was an increase. Really made an effort to watch how much I ate (portion control) even if it was better stuff. I got 3 trips in to the gym (gotta make up visits from vacay earlier this month) & a bridge walk with the girls.
On Sunday my ankle felt a little funny. Not sure if doing more or cause I slept on it funny so I laid low to rest for this week. But a day off isn’t bad. Just had to make sure I didn’t boredom eat!
It’s kind of good knowing I weigh in first thing Monday not to spend my Sunday binging on food. It is making me more accountable and pay attention.
This week I’m just going to keep on doing what I’ve been doing & see where it goes!! Stay motivated!
So it’s been 2 weeks since I weighed in & during that time was a vacation in Costa Rica. Only gained 2 pounds so not too awful although it’s time to get my shit together. Summer is here & none of my (new last year skinny) shorts fit!!
Obviously not being able to weigh myself daily didn’t help. I know they tell you NOT to do that but for me it’s helps me know where I am. Because of my height I can bounce up & down in weight quite a bit before it becomes noticeable and by then it’s usually going downhill really fast! I like to stay on top of it by seeing actual scale numbers & not using my imagination (are the jeans tighter?? Naaah).
It’s been 4.5 weeks since the ankle sprain & it’s feeling better. I even hit my walking goal 2 days last week & went on a 6 mile bike ride over the weekend so it’s holding up. Time to start getting back at it in the gym today!! After the gym I’m going grocery shopping tonight to restock from after vacay. Already told the roommate he had to clean the fridge out so I had space. I could barely fit my gallon of milk jug in over the weekend cause he has so much crap & what not. And seriously it’s crap! His gf comes to visit & is bored so she cooks all weekend filling the fridge with food that never gets eaten by him (or me). I know it’s wasteful but I shouldn’t feel bad & eat it just cause. It’s not MY food or money.
So my goals this week are to increase my daily steps, drink more water (I have been so bad the last month about that), return to more normal gym workouts & get back eating more according to the gym challenge suggestions. YEE HAW!!!
Well…to be quite honest this wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. I knew some of the weight from being sick would return cause dehydration & not eating for 2 days gave a fake reading. Although it did give encouragement! 😁
I’m feeling frustrated. This stupid ankle sprain is really a pain in the ass. I’m trying not to let it get me down but it’s just a major bummer. Here I was feeling really good, I had a great workout right before it happened & my weight loss was on track. Now that’s all to shit. The dr didn’t really give much info so Friday I did some googling. It could be 4-6 weeks of healing so that’s depressing to realize/hear. It will only be 4 weeks when I get back from Costa Rica & the new kickball season is supposed to start after that. Boo….
The swelling seems to have barely changed. My ankle is still a giant lump with limited definition. There’s a big bump that still hurts if pushed on. I think cause I stare at it a lot (I keep it elevated whenever possible) I’m not seeing any changes. And I’m being really critical. lol
The gym is starting a 90 day challenge today not just with working out but eating as well for overall learning & health. Which will be good for me to do. I went to the gym last Thursday just to do what I could. Most of the upper body stuff I could participate & the cardio or leg stuff I improvised with other things. The trainers are really supportive & make modifications for me which is good. I was glad to be back with everyone just from the social standpoint too. It was a nice motivator.
Here’s to another week of healing, major portion control & seeing how the 90 day challenge rules will affect me.