A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months.
I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.
I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge.
None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.
It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊
Ahhh…made it thru the week. 😜 Which was soooo long it seemed. Granted I started off with a few late nights but it just felt like I couldn’t catch up. Work just drug out. A lot is happening there, but it’s staying under control. The gym I just can’t back into. My energy level is blah. I know my diet it crap and I’m feeling it! Changing my food around and trying to make better choices. I can’t get away from the sugar sweet junk though.
I was happy on Thursday night to get to talk to Will. He’s still out west for work a few more days before he flies to the Midwest to spend a week with his kids. Then he’s finally coming back here!! Yeah I’m a little excited. We had good conversation (seems like we always do) talking about everything & nothing. I am looking forward to actually getting to spend some time together and see where it goes. 😊
Kickball last night was awesome! Our team won, but I also made a HUGE play when we really needed it & I’m not gonna lie…it felt great!!! It’s such a good time with friends and hanging out.
This weekend is pretty laid back. I’m hoping to get some beach time today if the weather allows it. Want to do some reading as well. Have a friend’s going away party tonight. Not sure about tomorrow yet. Maybe a movie? See how it goes.
Happy weekend all!! Do what makes you happy 😁
Life is rolling along. Getting back in my routine more which of course I love! Unfortunately I’m still feeling body sore from Canada so the gym hasn’t been a full fledge go ahead but I enjoy going for the socializing and the stretching & doing whatever I can.
I’ve spent the last 2 nights at cornhole. Which means I’ve been up late and need sleep! But I’m actually playing pretty well so I’m pleased about that. It’s been nice to see friends and catch back up. Looking forward to kickball on Friday!
The dating scene….hmmm. So Will & I continued to text some and even spoke twice (it’s a challenge when several time zones apart) the past few weeks. I don’t think he gets back to town here for another 1.5 weeks but who knows cause I haven’t asked lately. Part of me is happy taking it slow but another part of me is also feeling like a side thing. You know…for when he’s back in town & needs somebody to hang out with or something to do. He’s no more settled or committed to living in this area than when I met him mid-May. I understand the work travel and even going back to see the kids (which he’s been doing a lot so that makes me wonder if something is up?) takes up time, but living like a nomad has to be old. Wouldn’t you want to get settled if this is where you are going to be living? I’ve done it & it sucks after awhile. I know he’s having stress and issues with work so I’m just stepping back to see what happens. We haven’t spoke in a week now so that’s kind of weird? I did last week invite the other guy (Mark) to a trivia night I went to with my friends. There was something I just couldn’t really put a finger on, but I decided that night it just wasn’t for me. I’m not sure we have much common or anything to build on. I like to go out, travel, do things. He’s created a little happy space at his home where’s he content to be. Which is cool cause that makes him happy but that’s probably also the age gap too. I have dated up to 10 years older in the past which I haven’t noticed to be an issue, but perhaps as I get older I see the differences more now? Mark is probably closer to 15 years older & it’s definitely noticeable to me.
Today was national daiquiri day so I went out with coworkers for happy hour. Had some laughs. Ran some errands and am calling it an early night. I feel like my sleep pattern is out of whack. I’m not eating great. So it’s no shocker I feel blah. Time to get myself rebooted!
Wowzers….it’s been a month. Sorry folks I am a bad blogger lately. Which is a shame cause I’ve had so much happen to share. So here’s some quick catch up which I’ll divide into 3 areas: before Canada, in Canada & back from Canada. 😊
So before I left in June for Canada I never did see Will again. I think his mom being here visiting and away from the kids for the 1st Father’s Day really got to him so the free weekend he did have (the one before I left) he went back to STL for kid time. Kind of a bummer cause I had tons of fun things happening he could have joined in on, but I also understood the need. On that note since we don’t have any commitment & have only hung out a few times I did have another guy ask me out so I went. We actually met at a mutual friend’s Memorial Day party & he asked her for my number (she asked me first). Met Mark for dinner on a week night cause I was days away from leaving. He seemed cool and we chatted awhile. I met him again for dinner the night before I left. Still unsure how I feel about him but I’m in no rush so left things with stay in touch the next few weeks.
Hung with friends at the beach and parties before I left. So much fun!! Glad to blow off some steam cause I knew the Canada trip was going to be hard work. Interesting side note…I got a friend request from a guy that turns out (yeah I do some checking before accepting) to be Joe the ex’s new roommate. Wtf??!! 😵 Initially I thought hell no deny that shit, but then I wondered what the game was so I waited. I spoke to this guy over 2 months ago once and to randomly send this now??? Like right after moving in with Joe? Hmmmm I did end up accepting the request but with setting restrictions so he can see only my public info. Have to see how this plays out. A few days later he followed me on other social medias that I do have public (I don’t post much personal info on those so enjoy 😂). Again it’s just weird.
Got my stuff packed and organized for Canada. Got my work organized as best I could for being out of the office over 2 weeks. The trip to Canada turned out to be nothing like the past 3 trips I’ve done previously. 16-18 hour days on your feet & oops oh you didn’t get lunch? I don’t mind hard work, but some appreciation and consideration is nice. I’ve also not been around CRAZY people in quite awhile. I stay away from that. I don’t work for that anymore. I’m not friends with that. And here I was unfortunately stuck in the middle of full on psycho crazy! Obviously next time I’ll be asking a lot more questions before I accept going on a trip like this again. I did get out of town for 2 weeks which in some ways was good. I could tell the drama was getting to me & I needed to break away. I got paid and that pays for the vacation I want to take next year so yay!!! I enjoyed Calgary again & would love to visit when I can do what I want and see the area. It really is an amazing place.
I got home last Monday. It took ALL day & 3 flights but I was back in my bed at 10:30pm. I slept a lot on the flights and on my layover in Dallas which helped. I’m just so body sore & my poor feet are a wreck. I figured it’ll take 2 weeks to recover and it looks like I’m right. I spent Tuesday running errands and catching up before returning to my real job Wednesday. And that actually hasn’t been as messy as one would have thought. Yay!! I did make it to the gym once and sort of muddled thru a workout of what didn’t hurt or was healing.
I had therapy appt last week. Which I felt pretty good! I could have probably used the visit before, but I sort of feel like a lot of my anxiety and stress is gone. Or I’m just so tired I don’t give a shit. 🤔 I told my therapist she would have loved the group I was with for 2 weeks and they made me feel VERY normal. We laughed a lot.
I spent this weekend low key. Kickball started up again so I had games Friday night and then I went out with my girl Jess. We had fun! Saturday I got some beach time in!!! Today I walked a little & ran some errands. Just being a bum and resting which feels good! I’ll get more on my routine this week which will be nice.
Life has been busy. This time of year always seems to be. Lots going on which is great, but I’m trying not to over do it either.
I worked my side job last weekend. Which it had been raining on off for like 2 weeks. That’s getting old! Will got back from his work trip & we had a great dinner Sunday night (date #2). It was a really nice way to wrap up the weekend.
Monday I played cornhole, but Tuesday it got rained out. Impromptu dinner with friends which I invited Will also. I figured he’s seen me dressed up nice twice so this was casual jeans stuffing down wings. 🤣 He wasn’t fazed at all which was nice to see. I am enjoying hanging out & slowly getting to know him. He went out of town again for a few days & now his mom is here visiting until next week. I told him if he needs a break he knows how to find me. 😉
I had therapy last week. I do enjoy meeting with her. I know I’ve made a lot of improvements since last summer, but sometimes all I see is that hot mess still. She keeps it in perspective & we talk out things. Between the gym & a bday party I had a FULL week! Definitely going low key this weekend.
Last night had a concert with the girls which was a blast!! Then we headed next door to the casino for a bit. I don’t play but it’s fun to hang & watch. Today I’ve been running errands which FL summer had kicked in. It’s hot! I really wish I could get some beach time. Perhaps tomorrow? I sent my dad his Father’s Day stuff this week so I’ll give him a call.
I leave next Monday for Canada for 2 weeks so I’ve been getting things organized for that. I’m trying not to leave it til the last minute to get ready, but you know in some way it always ends up that way. Even work I’ve been trying to get ready so it’s not a complete mess this week or when I return.
Tonight is a life celebration for a friend’s family member. But it’s at a bar & then the beach for sunset. Not sure what to expect. Maybe the bar is a good idea?
Blah the rain. Yes we needed it. Yay we are ok longer a high fire risk. The grass is green & growing. But come on…since last Thursday night it’s been on/off & starting Monday pretty much all day rain. ☔️ So over it. I miss the sun. I miss my activities. I would like to not be wearing my raincoat all the time. 🙄
Monday started out with me driving to work & a low tire pressure light going on. On the tire I just replaced 6 weeks ago. Work was a bit of a shit show cause apparently people didn’t do things while I was gone which made meeting the deadlines that day insane. I left work & hauled ass to the car dealership so they could look at the tire. Turns out another nail (WTF??!!) and the computer needs to be adjusted cause it was the other side that was flat (not the side it was saying). Again wtf??? Thank goodness again for that extra tire warranty cause that’s another $400 I didn’t have to shell out when they ordered the tire. 🙏 I then headed to the gym where my face & jaw was starting to hurt so much I half assed it just get it done. I apologized to my awesome trainer…she knows when I’m not right & isn’t a jerk about it. I had taken a pain pill at work early, but I can’t drive on them so couldn’t take another. Got home, made dinner & went to bed! 👊
Tuesday more rain. More of the same work crap (still catching up). But changed my dinner plans when cornhole cancelled! My favorite local event is going on…restaurants offer fixed menus for a low price for 2 weeks. Usually these are upscale or places I never go so trying to get to a few new ones again this year. Except my frigging tooth pain is really putting a damper on things!! Nevertheless I was determined last night to eat & it was fabulous. Had a good time catching up with my gf & her bf. One of my favorite stores is having their semi annual sale so I stopped there & can you believe I found exactly what I have been looking for?? On sale??!! That never happens so it made for a much improved day!! And I got a cute new dress for peanuts at the thrift store on lunch break. Day improving. 👍
Today again it’s raining. Yeah shocker. 😂 I’m hitting the gym after work & then home. I need an early night to catch up. My tooth is still hurting & it’s been a week so I’m thinking there is something else wrong? I have a follow up dental appointment tomorrow.
Good news…William & I have continued to stay in touch. He’s back in Seattle, but coming home Sunday so we’re doing dinner that night. Date #2!! I’m trying not to be too excited or get ahead, but I am looking forward to seeing him & spending actual time together. It’s been almost a month we’ve been “talking” yet have only met that one time. Which is really weird for me (I’ve never done anything like this before) although I like it! How crazy is that? Things are moving slow which is good right now cause I have a lot of my own stuff going on. Fingers crossed 🤞
My birthday was Thursday & it was simply amazing! I was so surprised by how many people took a moment to wish me well. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends & family in my life. 🙏😘
My day started with my coworker decorating my desk & bringing in treats including a special lunch cupcake!! After work I went to the gym where I got to be the DJ & pick all the music. 😂 My trainer had made a deal with me a few months ago as a reward so I had been compiling my song list. Some of us had a good time, but I think my trainer was dying (we don’t have the same workout music taste 😆). After the gym I then met a group of my gym friends at a craft brew place that had a food truck! Dinner was so good. And then my friend busted out these cupcakes she made.
Holy cow awesome!!! She’s so talented. What a truly wonderful day. Again I couldn’t believe how people went out out of their way for me. 😊 AND NO TEARS!!!
Friday was a good day at work before the holiday weekend. I had kickball (and more birthday cupcakes!) & it was the playoffs. We had to play Joe’s team which ended up being a tough game. I was the 1st to score & for awhile we hung on to the lead. Then disaster broke & we fell behind. Until the end when we loaded bases & cause they walked the guy ahead of me I got an automatic walk so we ended up WINNING!!! The look on their (ok his face!) was priceless as they went from jeering laughing to realizing my walking pushed in the winning run was classic. 👊 Not to mention my brothers once again had a target on him so he never got on base. Yeah they weren’t very happy about being eliminated. What can I say…I brought the CRAZY! 😜 Our team rocked out & despite a very long next game that was crazy WE WON!! 🏆 I’m so happy after previous early eliminations to finally win. Won’t lie…it feels good. And I actually played pretty well so double win!
Today I have been a bum & slept in. Watching tv. It’s my lazy day. Meeting friends for birthday drinks at a bar tonight so I need to eventually get going.
I just have to say though this birthday was pretty darn great! Much better than I could have ever hoped & I’m feeling ready for my last year of 30s! 😁