I type this as I’m flying back south after a weekend visit to Chicago. Less than 48 hours there, but an interesting trip for me. The reason for this trip was the wedding (the bachelorette party from last month) & as a bonus I got to see my dad for Father’s Day!
It started Friday after work. First flight was fine. Delays all over at the next airport which wasn’t affecting me initially, but eventually my flight was 40 minutes late leaving. Whatever. I wasn’t in a time crunch & I wasn’t going to be bothered by something I can’t control. Holy cow other people were super pissed though so I enjoyed dinner at my gate & some late evening entertainment! I landed really late, got my Lyft & made it to the hotel by 1:30am so not too bad. Yay!
Saturday morning after being up over 20 hours & with the time change I only got a few hours nap we’ll call it. Since it was 8am & I didn’t have to be ready for the wedding shuttle til 3pm…I went to the hotel gym. I know? Who the fuck am I?? I have become the weird person who works out AND LIKES IT on vacations. 🤷🏼♀️ I then went to breakfast at the restaurant & enjoyed a leisurely meal before I went back to nap some more & get ready. I pondered the pool but it was indoors and didn’t have good chairs to read or sleep on.
As I sat there eating breakfast I realized how much I have changed. I came all by myself on this trip (not even meeting up with my BFF as my wedding date), hadn’t spoke to anyone (outside of hotel or airport interactions) since I left work Friday & was actually doing things (not just hiding in my room) AND I WAS OK WITH IT. Ding ding. Wow big girl moment! I dare say I felt quite at ease and comfortable with my own company. I am always surprised when people tell me they won’t do things on their own cause it makes me then wonder how little I would be doing if I hadn’t adopted the just do it mentality 5+ years ago? Honestly I didn’t always feel comfortable or I’d feel very self conscious doing things solo especially if it was a couples or group type thing but I just kept pushing myself to go rather than miss out. Eventually I just ignored the feelings & did whatever it was. But this was the first time I honestly could say I was comfortable with being by myself.
The wedding Saturday by the way was amazing! It was outside at an estate in a very upscale area and all top notch. I got to see the girls I met last month all gussied up plus several friends I hadn’t caught up with since I moved so it was very enjoyable. The bride & groom were a beautiful couple and I am so happy everything was perfect for them! Except the bloody heat & humidity. It was sweltering sitting there for the ceremony so I can only imagine how the wedding party felt standing. Seriously I never want to hear anyone bitch about Florida heat again! I mean if you are in the center of the state or some shithole area by all means but you brought that on yourself honey. I live on the Gulf & we have breezes and there’s never been a triple digit day. Now the Chicagoland area…they are having severe heat watch or whatever they call it & it’s like the face of the sun trying to breathe. I don’t miss any of that! I’m so happy to be on the plane headed south right now 🤣
I was a bum this morning. I considered working out again, but that would make 4 days in a row when I get home which I’ve learned doesn’t work for me. I need a recovery day if I want my workouts to be effective. My parents picked me up at the hotel & we went for Father’s Day lunch on the way to the airport. I was so happy to see my Dad today as I haven’t gotten to spend it with him in the 5 years since I moved. Plus I haven’t seen him since November for his birthday. We talk on the phone and stay in touch regularly but it’s just not the same. The parents are going on a vacation next week but I encouraged Dad at least (mom’s working) to come visit even for a few days after that so maybe.
All in all it was a great trip! I realized I’ve had a lot of personal growth which is good to see. I’m happy to be heading home though. I upped my gym membership this month & I’m having my food delivered again this week. I need to get back on track for my weight goals. I was so close and the last 2 weeks its gotten ugly. 😖 All on me & I know it so time to get serious again. The 4th of July is mygoal now!
I was able to check a bucket list item off!! I participated in the Disney Star Wars 10K last weekend. And I didn’t die!!! In fact I did much better than I anticipated so I was very pleased with myself. My practice 10K last month I did in 1:20 without any stopping. This time I finished in 1:14 & that was with 2 character stops (I just couldn’t pass up a photo with R2 D2!) and a bathroom. I did more running this time (maybe about 5 miles I am guessing?) so that was impressive all in itself. Huge shout out my friend Heather who did this crazy experience with me. Huge shout out to my trainers & the workout programs at the gym…I am not a runner so my “training” for this was trying to walk a lot & the cardio within my gym classes (and we don’t do a lot of just running).
Isn’t the swag pretty? That medal is serious business. Like a potential weapon if need be! And I was the very first person to meet Darth Vader at 3:30am. Yeah we were the crazy people who got there extra early to meet characters pre-race cause let me say those lines got crazy ass long once a couple busses of people arrived. The people watching was awesome! So many creative cool costumes & everyone was very supportive of each other during the race. My BB8 costume was a little less popular since this was a “Dark Side” race & people were mostly in black & those characters. My friend was R2 D2 & there weren’t many of those either so it did make finding each other easier. lol Oops my bad…I like Star Wars, but am not a hard core fanatic. Although I did learn quite a bit over the weekend & am looking forward to the new Solo movie coming out.
I am already contemplating signing up for it again next year. I thought about trying another Disney 10K since I enjoy Disney so much, but I heard the other races aren’t nearly as well themed or organized (holy crap were they organized for this!). Plus I really enjoyed running thru the 2 parks (Hollywood Studios & Epcot) rather than just on the roads. I think they pushed the sign up date to August which is good so I have time & to see if others want to join. The sign up was so early for this event (like 11 months) that at times I was like wtf did I do? lol I have new goals if I do it again & isn’t that the point of a bucket list? To keep adding & reaching for more things in life. 😁
Whew…things have been happening here. Unfortunately it seems when life is going well I don’t write as much which is a bummer cause so many good things have been happening. Whereas when life is a shit show I get that all down on paper. lol
March went by FAST! Hanging out with friends, having fun, organizing the new kickball team for Wednesday, getting trips for later this year planned, getting ready for my upcoming Jamaica trip. I even managed to do a little dating! Since the start of the year I have had various guys wanting to have fun but never knew what was going on or where it was going. So I have sat back & had a good time, but refused to get more involved if they aren’t pursuing. As I tell people when asked “I have a lot of pretty BOYS hanging around, but I am looking for a MAN who is going to step up” (which my guy friend said was pretty accurate & a good response). Well…Jay has stepped up. lol He is the guy from Wednesday night kickball that invited me out for drinks. And then we had drinks again after kickball. So when kickball was cancelled 2 weeks ago he asked me out to dinner I was impressed. Progress right? I had a good time & we’ve hung out more at the games too. This past Friday we had an off night for kickball in the other league so he asked me to dinner again! Had a really nice time getting to know him & talking. Plus he’s pretty darn good looking & I love his eyes so chatting with him is easy. Afterwards we went out to a bar where his friends were for some karaoke & hanging out. It was a fun night! I won’t lie–we got back to his place & things got going which I was fine with. I was like now or never girl cause let’s be real…it’s been a year & a half. Yup…the hooha had a party as my BFF & brother put it the next day (apparently we all share waaay too much with each other lol). He took his clothes off & I was like DAMN BRAVO applause, but I kept it inside. Luckily my diet has been going well (down 18 lbs last week) so I was feeling pretty good body image wise. Let me say it was a good time & I definitely want more! We have texted & talked over the weekend which is nice. I am trying to be positive & not let my anxiety kick in thinking of all the bad stuff that could happen or be happening cause I imagine it in my head. I’ll see him Wednesday at kickball which I am looking forward to.
Now on the other hand work has been a bummer. I found out I wasn’t even offered a job interview for the job I had applied for because I don’t have a bachelors degree. WTF? Apparently 15 years in the field plus all my other years of work experience wasn’t enough. I don’t know how classes I would have taken 20 years ago would even be relevant today & it doesn’t matter what the degree is in, but I don’t have one so I wasn’t qualified. Ridiculous if you ask me. But it made me rethink my current job & situation. My job is stable (public sector), I am union protected (can’t be fired), I have good hours (no weekends), I have good benefits (I pay minimal amounts for good coverage), vacation & sick time every month, I do actually enjoy what I do plus I do make good money. Add in my house rental income plus money I make at my side job…I am doing really well! They have taken away duties I was doing that wasn’t part of my job so actually my job has been much easier & enjoyable the past 2 months. So why rock the boat? I’ll just keep riding this out & if anything of interest comes along I’ll check it out.
I am in the count down to my Jamaica trip in May for my friend’s wedding! My girl up north who’s coming with is getting excited as well & we are both on the gym routine right now hard core so encouraging each other. I have found a dress I like, but I am not sure if it’s THE one though so still looking. I do have all my swim suits in order cause we know that IS important!
So I am just giving things time. Time to see what happens. Time for things to happen. I am not pushing or rushing anything. I have lots of plans coming up which I am excited about & just waiting for them can be hard, but it’s ok. My brother John has been great about letting me talk when I need to & be stupid irrational crazy get it out of my system. Living at his house has really been so good for me.
I have really been trying to stick with my food & exercise program which is going pretty well! This is the middle of week 3. Weeks 1 & 2 showed great progress…I lost 7 pounds & was very active. Unfortunately I was also body sore from throwing myself in with such gusto & constantly moving for steps. lol I tried to level out my schedule. Now week 3 hasn’t been so great…I’ve actually gained a 2 pounds & while I am still being active to meet my weekly goals, it’s not as much activity as the previous weeks. I also had a couple snacks (nothing crazy, but still) from the food diet. Bad me!
Activity wise I am going to the gym 3 days a week. I have to say I am really enjoying it! I was afraid the extra visit a week would get tedious or burn me out & I would start to hate it (that’s happened before), but I haven’t felt that way at all so I am very surprised. Perhaps it’s just working into my schedule that I don’t notice the change? I also really enjoy the gym atmosphere (it’s a good social place for me) & the workouts themselves constantly change so it stays fresh. Using my FitBit (gosh I love that little gadget!) I set some goals weekly for myself which I find is working better for me than daily goals. By having weekly goals instead it allows me a little slack if I need a light day (either to recover or if I am too busy) & then I can go hard again. My weekly step goal is 70,000 & for active minutes is 300. I like having active minutes cause when I am riding my bike or working out I am still getting “credit” per se without having to walk around so I can do other activities. I have been meeting my goals so perhaps at week 4 I will do an increase.
The food portion is going well. Obviously having meals prepared & delivered to you ready to go doesn’t get any easier. The 1st week I had a national company, but the shipping charges were as much as the food so it was ridiculous & unsustainable for more than a month or maybe 2 if I really stretched the dollars. I did more research & found a local business that offers a lot more pricing & varying food options plus weekly delivery is $6 versus $150. YAY!!! The food is really good! I have no restrictions, not a picky eater (obviously!) & said I just wanted a balanced meal plan so I let them pick everything. Sticking to about a 1200 calories per day. I thought I would be starving compared to the monster portions I was eating before, but I am not. I have even skipped meals if I go out or I’m not hungry which I know isn’t good, but eating just cause I should eat doesn’t seem right either. I’ve definitely been getting more vegetables and items I normally wouldn’t be eating which is good. For the gym challenge we have to keep a food journal so that part has been very easy for me & obviously my food choice are spot on. I am told every week to cut the alcohol out (hahahaha!!!), but let’s be real…I want to make changes that are going to last & start having overall better long term habits. Can I go without booze for this 8 week challenge? Sure. But I am not going to live the rest of my life that way so might as well learn how to balance it.
Imagine that…eating balanced meals with regular exercise has me feeling good, losing weight, plenty of energy, my skin is better, my mood is better. I guess my trainers might actually have a clue what they’re doing. Yeah, they love me. hahaha!!!
I decided January was pretty much just me getting ready for 2018 to start February 1st. So I’m a little delayed 🤷🏼♀️ Being sick wiped me out for several weeks and I finally started feeling better last week. But it gave me time to think and decide on a plan of attack moving forward.
My diet has to change. The weight has to go. 40 is coming & I refuse to start it like this! In January I upped my gym member ship to 3 days a week which was a good start, but my food intake is wildly out of control. 😭 So starting this week I am having pre-made meals delivered to home. The fat kid can’t be in charge cause obviously I have no control! I’m on day 3 of reduced calories and better eating…no one has died. Honestly though I feel better. And I’m not hungry. Amazing what properly planned meals can do and it makes it very simple which is also nice.
The Wednesday night kickball is going well. The team I was put on is really fun & we have a good time playing. It’s nice to meet a whole new set of people. The cornhole on Tuesday ended with us winning the finals!!! And we eliminated Joe on the way to the end which was an added bonus to the night. YAY!! 😝🏆 Not sure if we’ll play next season & have a month off so in the mean time I’m attending track workouts with my gym group on Tuesday nights. Gotta get those steps in!
Work is going ok. I’ve had some duties taken from me recently which I got upset about originally, but upon further thought it was stuff that wasn’t my job to do & now I’m freed up to do my actual job. It’s really improved the stress level for me having things simplified. Now my coworker is freaking out with all the added duties she has but hey…it wasn’t my choice. Hearing how cranky or unhappy she is makes me realize how bad I probably sounded. Glad it’s not me anymore!
Mom was just down here to celebrate her birthday. We went to Disney for a few days & had a really good time! Did the Aloha dinner and also did a tour at Magic Kingdom (take the Keys to the Kingdom tour–amazing!!). Our relationship has really improved. I’m hoping my parents will be back to visit again in the next few months. Dad is having knee replacement next week 🤞
It’s been a busy week so I’m looking forward to the weekend!
Unfortunately I came down with the plague that is going around last week. I would like to thank all the asshole customers who came into our work sick & coughing on us thinking it was funny. Really it’s not. I made it to work Friday morning to do our 1st (un)organized walk before work, but then I left shortly after. Most of my department got wiped out as well & called in sick.
Saturday I had plans with friends I’ve been waiting 2 weeks for so I was determined to feel better. I medicated myself (I actually did feel better too) & off we went for the day. But it was too much cause that night I got back in bed & didn’t leave it for 2 days. I haven’t been sick like throwing up (that would be a good sick to have!), but just head cold & sinus & no energy. Others have it much worse. I’ve heard it can take some weeks to fully recover, but I am trying to keep myself somewhat on schedule. Too much time off & I fear I will never catch up! Monday was a holiday from work, but a total waste since I spent it in bed.
Tuesday I went to work, but only half our department showed up so we were all moving pretty slow. lol After work I stopped by the gym & spent my “class” just walking on the treadmill. Luckily my trainer was really cool about my lack of participation. lol I wanted to do something, but no way did I have any energy to really work out! I do need to start getting ready for my upcoming 10K (March 3rd!) even if I am just walking so I have to get more steps in. I then had cornhole which was pretty good overall. We won the 1st game & then had to play Joe’s team. Which we started out losing, but then won the next 2 rounds so YAY US!!! Not gonna lie–whooping on him a little did make me feel better. hahaha!! Next week is the playoffs & then I’m not sure what’s happening. I don’t know if my partner will want to play another season although I have had a good time playing with her.
Today is going pretty well. Feeling a bit better than yesterday so continuing on the upswing. I have my 1st kickball game with the new team tonight, but not until 9:30!! EEK! And the temps are supposed to drop into the 30’s tonight so I am going to freeze! lol Time to find all the layers I had on a few weeks ago.
A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months.
I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.
I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge.
None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.
It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊