A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months.
I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.
I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge.
None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.
It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊
Blah the rain. Yes we needed it. Yay we are ok longer a high fire risk. The grass is green & growing. But come on…since last Thursday night it’s been on/off & starting Monday pretty much all day rain. ☔️ So over it. I miss the sun. I miss my activities. I would like to not be wearing my raincoat all the time. 🙄
Monday started out with me driving to work & a low tire pressure light going on. On the tire I just replaced 6 weeks ago. Work was a bit of a shit show cause apparently people didn’t do things while I was gone which made meeting the deadlines that day insane. I left work & hauled ass to the car dealership so they could look at the tire. Turns out another nail (WTF??!!) and the computer needs to be adjusted cause it was the other side that was flat (not the side it was saying). Again wtf??? Thank goodness again for that extra tire warranty cause that’s another $400 I didn’t have to shell out when they ordered the tire. 🙏 I then headed to the gym where my face & jaw was starting to hurt so much I half assed it just get it done. I apologized to my awesome trainer…she knows when I’m not right & isn’t a jerk about it. I had taken a pain pill at work early, but I can’t drive on them so couldn’t take another. Got home, made dinner & went to bed! 👊
Tuesday more rain. More of the same work crap (still catching up). But changed my dinner plans when cornhole cancelled! My favorite local event is going on…restaurants offer fixed menus for a low price for 2 weeks. Usually these are upscale or places I never go so trying to get to a few new ones again this year. Except my frigging tooth pain is really putting a damper on things!! Nevertheless I was determined last night to eat & it was fabulous. Had a good time catching up with my gf & her bf. One of my favorite stores is having their semi annual sale so I stopped there & can you believe I found exactly what I have been looking for?? On sale??!! That never happens so it made for a much improved day!! And I got a cute new dress for peanuts at the thrift store on lunch break. Day improving. 👍
Today again it’s raining. Yeah shocker. 😂 I’m hitting the gym after work & then home. I need an early night to catch up. My tooth is still hurting & it’s been a week so I’m thinking there is something else wrong? I have a follow up dental appointment tomorrow.
Good news…William & I have continued to stay in touch. He’s back in Seattle, but coming home Sunday so we’re doing dinner that night. Date #2!! I’m trying not to be too excited or get ahead, but I am looking forward to seeing him & spending actual time together. It’s been almost a month we’ve been “talking” yet have only met that one time. Which is really weird for me (I’ve never done anything like this before) although I like it! How crazy is that? Things are moving slow which is good right now cause I have a lot of my own stuff going on. Fingers crossed 🤞
FAIL!!! ABORT!!!! 🚨🚨🚨
Yup I didn’t make it. I got home late Saturday night after hanging with friends & by 2am my face was REALLY hurting & I was hungry & I was like “wtf am I doing here???”. So I had a few pieces of linguine & a little ice cream. Woke up the next morning & still weighed the same so I said screw it & made myself a cheesy omelette with avacado & some blueberries in Greek yogurt. I can tell you that definitely was NOT the menu for day 3. 😂
Honestly I don’t know how people lose 10 lbs doing that for 3 days?? I mean even if it’s only temporary that’s still impressive. I LOST NOTHING. Nada. Zero. Zilch. In 2 days of following the diet so I highly doubt on day 3 some major miracle was going to happen. Maybe if you’re used to eating 4000 calories a day then I can see this diet being a huge change to your system. Or if you have a good amount of weight on you to lose something will happen? 🤷🏼♀️
I did like the meal plan. It was quite simple to follow. Even the food was ok. I will definitely try it again when the timing is better. Maybe all the drugs I’m taking for my wisdom teeth didn’t help the situation?? Or maybe these things just don’t work on my system?? I don’t know. I guess I’m curious to see if it will work at all. And I did try new things! I have never been a fan of grapefruit but I ate one! Or just plain tuna from the can I was unsure of but I liked that.
So that’s the sad results of my diet plan. Sorry guys. And I’m really looking forward to my dentist follow up on Thursday. I’m hoping there is nothing wrong cause I don’t think this pain still is right?!
It’s going. I’m not hungry as others stated they had been. More just boredom wanting to eat I’ve realized. And is it the food I even want? Nope. Again just boredom. Which is good I’m recognizing it so I can try to control it. But I’ve been good—no cheating or giving up!
Again the only thing I subbed out today was instead of vanilla ice cream at dinner I had 4 oz of applesauce. I have been trying to drink more water which I know hasn’t been enough yet.
I weighed the same this morning as when I started. I did go for a 4.5 mile walk today so hopefully that makes a difference. I’m going out with my friend in a bit (just water & no food for me) so a little more activity tonight.
Looking forward to weigh in tomorrow morning and the last day!
I made it! Actually I feel pretty good. I thought I’d be starving. To be honest dinner even felt like a lot of food. Granted I really haven’t done anything today (expect for the Walmart excursion I napped & watched tv) so that’s probably a big factor. There were times I wanted to cheat & snack but only cause I was bored (a favorite reason why I mindlessly eat).
I don’t drink coffee or tea so just drank water & honestly need to drink more still. And instead of the vanilla ice cream I had Greek yogurt instead (not even the allotted amount cause I felt full). For my dinner meat I chose shrimp (got a great deal last weekend so loaded the freezer up).
I’m curious to see how I feel on day 2. I hope to hit the gym in the morning if I feel good. And I may go out with friends tomorrow night so I’ll have to really be aware of not mindless snacking!
So as of Wednesday I am officially wisdom teeth free. It hurts. More than last time. I don’t know if it’s cause I was in pain for 2 months prior (and had an infected tooth) so there was a “relief” when the teeth were out?? This time I had no prior pain, but I am hoping it will fix the ear issues on my right side like my left side has felt since. And when I say it hurts not so much the tooth spot but more like my whole jaw area opening my mouth. I read that can happen during extraction if they have your mouth too open for too long? But it’s made for a good 2 day start into the new diet I wanted to try. 😂 My mom bless her heart came down Tuesday & flew back home this morning so she could take me Wednesday for surgery & check on me yesterday. I love her. 😍 I know we’ve had some very rough times, but I feel like our relationship is in a really good place! I wish my dad would have come just so I could have seen him but he wasn’t feeling good so didn’t want to fly. Which I totally understand but I miss him too. I have been trying to talk more on the phone with him so that helps.
Which leads me to the new diet I’m trying. Why not right?? It’s called the military diet & is 3 days long. Supposedly you can lose up to 10 pounds (which I don’t believe will happen for me) although most people said they lost 7-8 lbs. I like that it gave very specific directions of what to eat & since I’m not eating much anyways I thought now would be a good time. Here is the Day 1 menu:
See what I mean that it’s pretty idiot proof to follow?? 😜 That’s what I need! The only thing I’m swapping out is instead of vanilla ice cream I’ll have plain applesauce (yeah have had a lot of that lately 😂) which it’s actually less calories (I compared). And I don’t drink coffee or tea so just more water (I have been working on that the last few weeks). I don’t know what to expect? Losing 5 lbs to restart my system & then let my body “adjust” to that would be great! But realistically I have no idea. I’m not exercising as much or even moving which is the key to this restart. It looks like they lower your calories to minimal (1000-1200 day) & if you’re still keeping the same output obviously weight will come off. Oh wow genius moment there I know! 🤓 These dental drugs are amazing! Hahaha!!!
The next 2 days of the diet look similar (I’ll keep posting). Obviously this isn’t something you live on & then the “off” days I’ll need to stay observant of what I eat, how much, etc… like I have been doing. It’s something to try & only 3 days so I can stick it out! I went shopping this morning (that was fun cause I took all my drugs before I left) so I have all the food I need.
Now to just get my sleep pattern back on track. 😴 This is day 3 of not working which feels so weird. Having had the long weekend & only working Tuesday & not going back til Monday feels like a vacation for me now. Except not going anywhere or NEEDING to do anything. I would like to work on getting my bathroom unpacked (yeah I’m slow) & reorganized so that can be my goal. 😎
Since I defurnished my house, started trying to rent it, went on Craigslist for new housing & moved. Wow. It’s gone fast. And it feels like a lot has happened. I’ve moved another time since. I’ve learned a lot about who I am. I’ve put weight back on. I’ve been on & off the meds. I’ve made a new social circle(s) of friends. I’ve joined a gym (and actually like it!). I’m in therapy. I’m learning how to handle life & what I can control. I’ve learned to cut out people who aren’t beneficial to have around. I’ve done some traveling. I have actually been saving money. I’m recognizing when to have “me” time and why it’s important. I’m attempting to date again. I’m trying new things. I’m putting myself out there even if I might fail.
I guess that is a lot I’ve done the last year! Still a work in progress. Still growing. Which is good cause one should never stop.
Here’s to more good times & having faith in the rough times that it won’t last forever! 🥂