A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months.
I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.
I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge.
None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.
It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊
Life has been busy. This time of year always seems to be. Lots going on which is great, but I’m trying not to over do it either.
I worked my side job last weekend. Which it had been raining on off for like 2 weeks. That’s getting old! Will got back from his work trip & we had a great dinner Sunday night (date #2). It was a really nice way to wrap up the weekend.
Monday I played cornhole, but Tuesday it got rained out. Impromptu dinner with friends which I invited Will also. I figured he’s seen me dressed up nice twice so this was casual jeans stuffing down wings. 🤣 He wasn’t fazed at all which was nice to see. I am enjoying hanging out & slowly getting to know him. He went out of town again for a few days & now his mom is here visiting until next week. I told him if he needs a break he knows how to find me. 😉
I had therapy last week. I do enjoy meeting with her. I know I’ve made a lot of improvements since last summer, but sometimes all I see is that hot mess still. She keeps it in perspective & we talk out things. Between the gym & a bday party I had a FULL week! Definitely going low key this weekend.
Last night had a concert with the girls which was a blast!! Then we headed next door to the casino for a bit. I don’t play but it’s fun to hang & watch. Today I’ve been running errands which FL summer had kicked in. It’s hot! I really wish I could get some beach time. Perhaps tomorrow? I sent my dad his Father’s Day stuff this week so I’ll give him a call.
I leave next Monday for Canada for 2 weeks so I’ve been getting things organized for that. I’m trying not to leave it til the last minute to get ready, but you know in some way it always ends up that way. Even work I’ve been trying to get ready so it’s not a complete mess this week or when I return.
Tonight is a life celebration for a friend’s family member. But it’s at a bar & then the beach for sunset. Not sure what to expect. Maybe the bar is a good idea?
Blah the rain. Yes we needed it. Yay we are ok longer a high fire risk. The grass is green & growing. But come on…since last Thursday night it’s been on/off & starting Monday pretty much all day rain. ☔️ So over it. I miss the sun. I miss my activities. I would like to not be wearing my raincoat all the time. 🙄
Monday started out with me driving to work & a low tire pressure light going on. On the tire I just replaced 6 weeks ago. Work was a bit of a shit show cause apparently people didn’t do things while I was gone which made meeting the deadlines that day insane. I left work & hauled ass to the car dealership so they could look at the tire. Turns out another nail (WTF??!!) and the computer needs to be adjusted cause it was the other side that was flat (not the side it was saying). Again wtf??? Thank goodness again for that extra tire warranty cause that’s another $400 I didn’t have to shell out when they ordered the tire. 🙏 I then headed to the gym where my face & jaw was starting to hurt so much I half assed it just get it done. I apologized to my awesome trainer…she knows when I’m not right & isn’t a jerk about it. I had taken a pain pill at work early, but I can’t drive on them so couldn’t take another. Got home, made dinner & went to bed! 👊
Tuesday more rain. More of the same work crap (still catching up). But changed my dinner plans when cornhole cancelled! My favorite local event is going on…restaurants offer fixed menus for a low price for 2 weeks. Usually these are upscale or places I never go so trying to get to a few new ones again this year. Except my frigging tooth pain is really putting a damper on things!! Nevertheless I was determined last night to eat & it was fabulous. Had a good time catching up with my gf & her bf. One of my favorite stores is having their semi annual sale so I stopped there & can you believe I found exactly what I have been looking for?? On sale??!! That never happens so it made for a much improved day!! And I got a cute new dress for peanuts at the thrift store on lunch break. Day improving. 👍
Today again it’s raining. Yeah shocker. 😂 I’m hitting the gym after work & then home. I need an early night to catch up. My tooth is still hurting & it’s been a week so I’m thinking there is something else wrong? I have a follow up dental appointment tomorrow.
Good news…William & I have continued to stay in touch. He’s back in Seattle, but coming home Sunday so we’re doing dinner that night. Date #2!! I’m trying not to be too excited or get ahead, but I am looking forward to seeing him & spending actual time together. It’s been almost a month we’ve been “talking” yet have only met that one time. Which is really weird for me (I’ve never done anything like this before) although I like it! How crazy is that? Things are moving slow which is good right now cause I have a lot of my own stuff going on. Fingers crossed 🤞
I feel like I am getting back in the game again.
First my weight is at 168 lbs. Yay me! It’s been holding there for the past week which I think is a good sign. Obviously I’m still reaching for my goal of 160, but this is definitely signs of encouragement for me. Keep staying active & really think about what I eat!!
Next off…my dating life. It’s gotten a bit of a revival recently. Online dating is a necessary evil I feel to just try to meet more people. Where else can one go? As much as I do & try to spread my social circle it seems to be with a lot of people already in relationships. I have basically been using 2 sites (Tinder & Bumble) to find matches. Thanks to Tinder this week I have 2 meet ups.
#1 was last night after my cornhole league was over he stopped by the bar for a drink. His name is Mark. We had a very nice 2 hours of chatting & hanging out. I liked him & would like to get to know him more, but there are some obstacles. He works a goofy schedule (commercial pilot) which I totally understand & he also has 4 daughters ranging from 9-12 yo (a set of twins in there). So he’s pretty busy! Plus his divorce has only been officially final for a month so even though it’s been over, it’s now freshly over you know? He admits he’s just trying to get back out there & attempt having a social life with his job/kids which I appreciate his honesty. But here’s my deal…I know what I bring to the table. I don’t want you to be with me cause I’m the 1st girl you dated after divorce or cause you had a few weird encounters online & you think I’m really normal (yeah he said that lol). I want somebody who recognizes what a catch I am, WANTS to be with me & treats me accordingly. So go out there & date some other women so you can appreciate what I have to offer (sane, employed & financially responsible for starters which many woman down here aren’t!). He said he’d like to meet again which I said sure & to stay in touch with our schedules! So we’ll see….
#2 is happening tonight. Meeting for drinks. William is closer to my age. Grew up in the Midwest also. We have texted some, but I don’t know a whole lot about him so I am curious. Looking forward to it! Then I need to make an appearance at my other cornhole league which is having an opener meet & greet tonight. Honestly I just didn’t feel like hanging out with Joe & his partner Katie (shitty girl in previous posts) for a whole evening. It makes for an awkward time (watching her hang on the married guy is weird) & I have better things to do & people to hang out with. William is going on a work trip for 2 weeks & this was our only chance to meet before. Plus I’m crazy…remember? hahaha!!!
**only 2 more days til my birthday. Gosh that 40 is getting closer….
Woo hoo it’s Friday!! Listened to a dance party mix on the drive to work this morning (love radio shows that mish mesh stuff together like that) & now I am pumped for the day. Plus it’s a pay day Friday so ALWAYS a great thing!! $$$$
After the gym yesterday (which I must of had a good class cause I feel it today!) I went with the group for drinks & food. lol Yeah we are THAT type of gym, but that is why I love it there & the people I have met. You gotta laugh & have fun in life. I then went with a GF to see 50 Shades Darker. I read all the books & just recently saw the 1st movie on tv (it was pretty edited & cut but I got the idea & followed along). I still don’t particularly care for the girl playing Ana (she does nothing for me good or bad), but this time the guy playing Christian grew a smidge on me. I mean we are not talking an Oscar worthy movie or acting, but it does have an interesting look at relationships. They follow the book (that I recall it’s been awhile) pretty accurately & of course it ends so gee they can make a 3rd movie.
Tonight is the kickball playoffs!!! We made it thru last week & now we have to play the good teams tonight so not sure how far we’ll advance. It’s been fun though & I have really enjoyed the season. I don’t think we’ll play for about a month between seasons because of the upcoming trip to Costa Rica & changing leagues so I’ll miss it.
This week has been really busy for me again so I need to catch up on rest this weekend. I plan to hang at the beach Saturday & read & relax. I tried going Monday between my appointments, but it was so windy I only made it a 1/2 hour being pelted by sand. Sunday morning I do a weekly 5K that a local bar offers. Us girls have been doing it together (we just walk) & then we get the kids (if they don’t come walk) & the guys for breakfast. I like it cause it gets my morning started & I can some steps in!
I changed churches the beginning of the year. The other church was ok, but I had only started going there because of Joe when we got back together (round 2) last spring. I hadn’t met anyone & wasn’t involved in it. My friend Zac (who was my cornhole partner last fall too) had invited me to a soccer game with his church group & I met a few people who I stayed in touch with it & done some other things since. They have a fun young adults group that is pretty active plus they have a time on Saturday night to attend. It works well cause I can go out after church still if I want or hang with them if they’re doing something.
Monday I piled all my appointments together so I took a day off from work & handled that. First stop was the dentist. Good news is everything looks all good from having those wisdom teeth removed. Will probably take out the other side later this fall unless a problem arises. Bad news I have a small cavity which they can’t get me back in til May to work on (thanks all the winter visitors being here). And I’m also grinding my teeth so badly at night they want to put in some filler stuff. But only if I start wearing a mouth guard to sleep otherwise it will be a waste. I then went to an appt with my new primary care dr. I liked her & we had some discussion about my health especially the past year. Talked about the Prozac & my “hiccup” last week. I said I was moving forward again which she agreed but gave me a month of pills just in case to have on hand (sometimes just having like the sleeping pills but never taking helps me too). She did say it was normal what I experienced and it doesn’t mean I fell back to last July progress wise or am a failure. Bumps are going to happen & I can’t see it as failures (which my GF pointed out to me when I was being a little crazy).
I’ve been busy this week but much more low key. Walked the bridge last night by myself even though it was later than normal. I’m getting my steps in & I feel it’s helping keep my head clear. Cornhole was good this week. Joe was there & of course his lady had to come so they could play kissy face & keep looking in my direction. I can’t help but chuckle to myself cause hey lady, I know where his lips have been. How do I taste? I know that’s crude (my brother couldn’t stop laughing when I told him that) but it’s the truth right?!? Lol
I had drinks with a new guy last night. Met him online before my cruise & he actually followed up when I returned so why not? I was only planning on staying 1/2 an hour but suddenly it was over an hour later. We didn’t talk about anything serious but just travel & some work stuff & other topics. But conversation flowed & he seems cool. When we left he said he’d really like to take me out again if I’m game & I gave him my number. He’s self proclaimed a bit nerdy but in a cute way & I liked him so I’ll give him a chance. I want a man who has his shit together & knows what he wants/goes after it. By taking initiative and making plans he’s being a man so I give him kudos. Maybe I’ve been around so many dbags it’s hard for me to recognize a real man when he comes along?
Last night was my first night sleeping with the mouth guard. Bringing sexy back!!! It also took me both guards in the box to get it made right. Lol. Oops!!! I’m wondering if maybe I’ll get better sleep now? It will be interesting to see.