Tag Archives: relationships

Am I a shitty friend??

I am starting to wonder? Between friends dating or staying with terrible people I am really over the drama.

Friends who stay in unhappy miserable relationships and complain about it. I don’t know what to say anymore. This isn’t high school. You know it’s not working. Or you know you deserve better but don’t want to be alone (one girl actually said that!). You have choices yet you choose to stay in it. Sorry but after the first “omg we broke up crisis” and you keep going back I’m just not gonna hear it. Or you keep saying what a crappy loser he is. I should say I’ll listen but I’m not going to say anything. You aren’t listening anyway. And don’t be surprised when I’m less and less available to hear about the drama too. I’m just past it. 

Maybe cause I follow the policy of shame on you the first time & then its shame on me for the times after that?? When Joe walked out the 1st time it was a huge deal for me. My friends were there. They were supportive. When I got back with him a month later I didn’t say much to people cause I knew I had no one to blame but myself for going back. And then months later when I was really stupid and went back for a 3rd time I knew it was ALL on me. I knew my friends wouldn’t understand me & to be honest I couldn’t blame them! I had no idea why I was being so stupid?! But at least I recognized I was being dumb and didn’t expect them to be there for me. Hello we all saw what was coming & bless the day I finally had MY moment so I could walk away! I keep hoping my friends will have those revelations too.

Maybe because I’ve chosen to address my issues (I realize not everyone does) and work on myself I don’t care to go backwards. And that’s what I see them doing so it’s frustrating to me. I’ve been trying to change up my routine and social circles to get around less drama people. I don’t want to totally ditch my friends, but I can’t handle all the unnecessary drama. It’s like if you have a friend who is usually great until they start excessively drinking then it all goes to shit? So you avoid situations with them that include alcohol. That’s how I feel with my friends in shitty relationships…I just want to avoid that part for now. I’m still working on me & I don’t want to get sucked into going backwards.

Does that make me a shitty friend? 🤔

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The Rules…let’s give it a shot

So I read The Rules book and it left me intrigued so I just finished reading the next one. 

It’s a little more updated and addresses the dating issues more of today like texting & social media & online dating (the first book talked about personal ads in the newspaper…so cute!). I like the stories they share of other women when things did or didn’t work out. It really got me thinking about my dating over the years & how I either missed the flags or refused to believe them. How I handled situations wrong or reacted the wrong way.

So I’m jumping in & giving it a whirl! Here’s to dating now like The Rules suggests. For starters I re-did my online profile by updating the pics & totally changed the written description area. I chose some current fun casual pictures & made a brief 3 sentence bio. Guys don’t read much, they really do pick using their peckers & if he wants to know more he’ll contact me. I will no longer make first contact (per the Rules that’s a big NO). Which if I want a man who knows what he wants, I need to let him do his thing right?? Makes sense.

Right off the bat I get a message yesterday. But you don’t respond right away The Rules say so I waited. Can you believe he messaged me again this morning just to say hi? Interesting so far. I wrote back at lunch short & simple following the Rules (write less than him). BAM he responded asap. Again very interesting. I’ll respond later after the gym.

Another guy wrote this morning so I’ll respond later today. Guys I had been talking to I’m now following Rules procedures. Whether it works or not I have no idea! But I’m rather intrigued as the guys are acting exactly how the book predicted and it’s up to me to decide how to handle it. Typically old me would have been replying last night back & forth and then wondering why in a few days I still had no potential date? Or accepting last minute plans which shows I’m not a priority. Instead I’m going to sit back, put to use some of my new knowledge & see what happens.

was I catfished???

So the past few weekends due to rain & not getting off my lazy butt I’ve been watching a lot of mindless daytime tv. And the show Catfish on MTV is playing a lot of reruns. The premise is pretty simple…people meet online, develop relationships without meeting, the TV show has them meet in real life & sometimes they aren’t always who they claim to be. Shocker! Crazy! Imagine that?!?!?! lol

Anyways…it got me thinking. Is Will catfishing me? The last time I heard from him was Monday of this week. The week before he talked to me on Tuesday, said he had to stay in Portland for another week for work, the trip then to STL got delayed a week, then he’d be back in FL, etc… Apparently his work was having some issues, trying to get caught up & restructuring with new employees & lost employees. Thursday he texts me there was a company meeting & changes within were being made. He’ll be doing less travel for on-site training, but he still has the FL & Portland accounts active so he’d be back in FL more plus a few other things. He seemed fairly confident & in my mind I was like well ok we’ll see when he gets back here how things play out between us when we actually get to date.

Fast forward to this past Monday afternoon when I get a text he lost his job. I responded after the gym with a sorry (what do you say? I mean it really sucks) & he called me right away. He was back in STL & the company had a meeting that morning where they let him go (basically he cost too much with travel, etc… so again in my eyes understandable). He claimed to already have a few leads & things set up cause he’d been sort of looking the past month. But who knows where he’ll end up location wise? I didn’t ask cause it’s none of my business I feel. Do what you have to do. He did mention a city in FL, but I didn’t respond & he didn’t further it. And I haven’t heard from him since.

But I am starting to wonder…was he even really being real? Is the ex-wife REALLY an EX?? When I asked he said yes he was divorced, but there were a few flags there that popped up. He never did get settled in down here so it’s not like he has to come back for anything. Was he really ever going to move here? He had no housing or belongings down here. His work paid for hotel & travel when he was here to do training & then poof…he’d pack up his bag & off to the other city. I always kind of wondered if I was just a side attraction for when he was down here? It was just this weird feeling I couldn’t shake. Not to mention it would be days (like 4-6) before I’d hear from him & then he’d pop up again.

Where things start to really not add up for me…the phone number he gave me he at one time he said was a work phone. I did notice he carried 2 phones once (he claimed that one was for his kids) & it seemed a little shady, but I never saw a 2nd phone again. If you lost your job in the afternoon & got your stuff/left the office, how are you calling me from the work cell number later on? Strange right cause wouldn’t work keep all their property?? So did you really lose your job or is that a rouse to explain why you won’t be back in FL? Also his name. When we met on Tinder (oh yes cause everything on there is TOTALLY legit lol) his name was William. When we met the 2nd time he said he went by Will & it was actually his middle name cause he didn’t like Michael growing up. But whenever he’d refer to himself in 3rd person he wouldn’t call himself Will. For example he’d say “the guys at work said oh Mike blah blah” or “I said to myself hey Mike blah blah”. Weird right??? I did tease him about which first name would he like to be called, but I never did really call him out on the name part when I caught the inconsistencies. Shame on me. And then there was his last name. He changed it when he was in his early 20’s to his real father’s last name (he didn’t meet his dad until then either). Now for a guy that does IT & all that technology type stuff & being 36 yo which is prime age for Facebook…he was fairly hard to google. I found nothing. The phone number didn’t hit anything. The names even when I tried a bunch of combos didn’t either. Another weird flag. And I’ll admit I am a pretty good stalker!

So just all those flags & inconsistencies & watching too much Catfish lately has me wondering….have I been catfished??? Was this all some guy just bored on the road inventing stories to entertain himself while away from his family & home?? Or even just a guy at home bored with life & needing a fake reality to escape to??

It’s been a year 

A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months. 

I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.

I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge. 

None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.

It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊

Hello weekend 

Ahhh…made it thru the week. 😜 Which was soooo long it seemed. Granted I started off with a few late nights but it just felt like I couldn’t catch up. Work just drug out. A lot is happening there, but it’s staying under control. The gym I just can’t back into. My energy level is blah. I know my diet it crap and I’m feeling it! Changing my food around and trying to make better choices. I can’t get away from the sugar sweet junk though. 

I was happy on Thursday night to get to talk to Will. He’s still out west for work a few more days before he flies to the Midwest to spend a week with his kids. Then he’s finally coming back here!! Yeah I’m a little excited. We had good conversation (seems like we always do) talking about everything & nothing. I am looking forward to actually getting to spend some time together and see where it goes. 😊

Kickball last night was awesome! Our team won, but I also made a HUGE play when we really needed it & I’m not gonna lie…it felt great!!! It’s such a good time with friends and hanging out.

This weekend is pretty laid back. I’m hoping to get some beach time today if the weather allows it. Want to do some reading as well. Have a friend’s going away party tonight. Not sure about tomorrow yet. Maybe a movie? See how it goes.

Happy weekend all!! Do what makes you happy 😁

Getting back in the swing

Life is rolling along. Getting back in my routine more which of course I love! Unfortunately I’m still feeling body sore from Canada so the gym hasn’t been a full fledge go ahead but I enjoy going for the socializing and the stretching & doing whatever I  can.

I’ve spent the last 2 nights at cornhole. Which means I’ve been up late and need sleep! But I’m actually playing pretty well so I’m pleased about that. It’s been nice to see friends and catch back up. Looking forward to kickball on Friday!

The dating scene….hmmm. So Will & I continued to text some and even spoke twice (it’s a challenge when several time zones apart) the past few weeks. I don’t think he gets back to town here for another 1.5 weeks but who knows cause I haven’t asked lately. Part of me is happy taking it slow but another part of me is also feeling like a side thing. You know…for when he’s back in town & needs somebody to hang out with or something to do. He’s no more settled or committed to living in this area than when I met him mid-May. I understand the work travel and even going back to see the kids (which he’s been doing a lot so that makes me wonder if something is up?) takes up time, but living like a nomad has to be old. Wouldn’t you want to get settled if this is where you are going to be living? I’ve done it & it sucks after awhile. I know he’s having stress and issues with work so I’m just stepping back to see what happens. We haven’t spoke in a week now so that’s kind of weird? I did last week invite the other guy (Mark) to a trivia night I went to with my friends. There was something I just couldn’t really put a finger on, but I decided that night it just wasn’t for me. I’m not sure we have much common or anything to build on. I like to go out, travel, do things. He’s created a little happy space at his home where’s he content to be. Which is cool cause that makes him happy but that’s probably also the age gap too. I have dated up to 10 years older in the past which I haven’t noticed to be an issue, but perhaps as I get older I see the differences more now? Mark is probably closer to 15 years older & it’s definitely noticeable to me.

Today was national daiquiri day so I went out with coworkers for happy hour. Had some laughs. Ran some errands and am calling it an early night. I feel like my sleep pattern is out of whack. I’m not eating great. So it’s no shocker I feel blah. Time to get myself rebooted!

Catching up 

Wowzers….it’s been a month. Sorry folks I am a bad blogger lately. Which is a shame cause I’ve had so much happen to share. So here’s some quick catch up which I’ll divide into 3 areas: before Canada, in Canada & back from Canada. 😊

So before I left in June for Canada I never did see Will again. I think his mom being here visiting and away from the kids for the 1st Father’s Day really got to him so the free weekend he did have (the one before I left) he went back to STL for kid time. Kind of a bummer cause I had tons of fun things happening he could have joined in on, but I also understood the need. On that note since we don’t have any commitment & have only hung out a few times I did have another guy ask me out so I went. We actually met at a mutual friend’s Memorial Day party & he asked her for my number (she asked me first). Met Mark for dinner on a week night cause I was days away from leaving. He seemed cool and we chatted awhile. I met him again for dinner the night before I left. Still unsure how I feel about him but I’m in no rush so left things with stay in touch the next few weeks.

Hung with friends at the beach and parties before I left. So much fun!! Glad to blow off some steam cause I knew the Canada trip was going to be hard work. Interesting side note…I got a friend request from a guy that turns out (yeah I do some checking before accepting) to be Joe the ex’s new roommate. Wtf??!! 😵 Initially I thought hell no deny that shit, but then I wondered what the game was so I waited. I spoke to this guy over 2 months ago once and to randomly send this now??? Like right after moving in with Joe? Hmmmm I did end up accepting the request but with setting restrictions so he can see only my public info. Have to see how this plays out. A few days later he followed me on other social medias that I do have public (I don’t post much personal info on those so enjoy 😂). Again it’s just weird. 

Got my stuff packed and organized for Canada. Got my work organized as best I could for being out of the office over 2 weeks. The trip to Canada turned out to be nothing like the past 3 trips I’ve done previously. 16-18 hour days on your feet & oops oh you didn’t get lunch? I don’t mind hard work, but some appreciation and consideration is nice. I’ve also not been around CRAZY people in quite awhile. I stay away from that. I don’t work for that anymore. I’m not friends with that. And here I was unfortunately stuck in the middle of full on psycho crazy! Obviously next time I’ll be asking a lot more questions before I accept going on a trip like this again. I did get out of town for 2 weeks which in some ways was good. I could tell the drama was getting to me & I needed to break away. I got paid and that pays for the vacation I want to take next year so yay!!! I enjoyed Calgary again & would love to visit when I can do what I want and see the area. It really is an amazing place.

I got home last Monday. It took ALL day & 3 flights but I was back in my bed at 10:30pm. I slept a lot on the flights and on my layover in Dallas which helped. I’m just so body sore & my poor feet are a wreck. I figured it’ll take 2 weeks to recover and it looks like I’m right. I spent Tuesday running errands and catching up before returning to my real job Wednesday. And that actually hasn’t been as messy as one would have thought. Yay!! I did make it to the gym once and sort of muddled thru a workout of what didn’t hurt or was healing.

I had therapy appt last week. Which I felt pretty good! I could have probably used the visit before, but I sort of feel like a lot of my anxiety and stress is gone. Or I’m just so tired I don’t give a shit. 🤔 I told my therapist she would have loved the group I was with for 2 weeks and they made me feel VERY normal. We laughed a lot.

I spent this weekend low key. Kickball started up again so I had games Friday night and then I went out with my girl Jess. We had fun! Saturday I got some beach time in!!! Today I walked a little & ran some errands. Just being a bum and resting which feels good! I’ll get more on my routine this week which will be nice.