Tag Archives: strong

It’s been a year 

A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months. 

I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.

I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge. 

None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.

It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊

Weigh in: holding

Well I’ve been holding at 170 since right after the weigh in last week. Argh…how can I break that barrier into the 160s & stay there?? Feeling frustrated.

I was better about my food amounts & choices last week. I realized after a few days of eating out (mandatory work lunches) to reel it back in which I did.

I did get a compliment on Saturday from a group of girls that they “wished our abs looked anywhere like yours”. Very nice to hear but I’m still not happy cause I know they’ve been better. It will inspire me to try harder at the gym too since we are in full swim season now (hello 90s)!

This week still trying to log my steps (man I have been BAAAD about reaching those goals!), food control & at the gym putting some weight on the bar. Yup, that’s my May gym goal to actually put weights on the bar when we use it (I only lift the bar by itself). My trainer of course is delighted I’m showing some initiative. 😂

Also I need to write here more. So much fun good stuff has been happening that I haven’t been sharing!

Weigh in: lost the battle this week

172 lbs 😞 I didn’t get a picture this morning cause running behind but I saw the scale numbers. Blah!!

I know this weekend was rough & having to weigh in first thing Monday morning sucks. I ate probably close to what I ate all last week in 2.5 days. AND I JUST DIDN’T CARE. Yup that’s how life has been for me lately & I know that’s not a good attitude to have so I’m trying to turn it around. Plus my sleep pattern is still wacky so I need to work on that.

This week’s goals are get back on the right track food wise & work on my sleep pattern. That will be a good start.

I lost the battle but the war is not yet over!!

Weigh in: progress!!

Woo hoo it went down!!! 🎉

I got more steps this week in. Not as much as I hoped for but it was an increase. Really made an effort to watch how much I ate (portion control) even if it was better stuff. I got 3 trips in to the gym (gotta make up visits from vacay earlier this month) & a bridge walk with the girls.

On Sunday my ankle felt a little funny. Not sure if doing more or cause I slept on it funny so I laid low to rest for this week. But a day off isn’t bad. Just had to make sure I didn’t boredom eat!

It’s kind of good knowing I weigh in first thing Monday not to spend my Sunday binging on food. It is making me more accountable and pay attention.

This week I’m just going to keep on doing what I’ve been doing & see where it goes!! Stay motivated!

Weigh in: let’s get serious now

So it’s been 2 weeks since I weighed in & during that time was a vacation in Costa Rica. Only gained 2 pounds so not too awful although it’s time to get my shit together. Summer is here & none of my (new last year skinny) shorts fit!!

Obviously not being able to weigh myself daily didn’t help. I know they tell you NOT to do that but for me it’s helps me know where I am. Because of my height I can bounce up & down in weight quite a bit before it becomes noticeable and by then it’s usually going downhill really fast! I like to stay on top of it by seeing actual scale numbers & not using my imagination (are the jeans tighter?? Naaah).

It’s been 4.5 weeks since the ankle sprain & it’s feeling better. I even hit my walking goal 2 days last week & went on a 6 mile bike ride over the weekend so it’s holding up. Time to start getting back at it in the gym today!! After the gym I’m going grocery shopping tonight to restock from after vacay. Already told the roommate he had to clean the fridge out so I had space. I could barely fit my gallon of milk jug in over the weekend cause he has so much crap & what not. And seriously it’s crap! His gf comes to visit & is bored so she cooks all weekend filling the fridge with food that never gets eaten by him (or me). I know it’s wasteful but I shouldn’t feel bad & eat it just cause. It’s not MY food or money.

So my goals this week are to increase my daily steps, drink more water (I have been so bad the last month about that), return to more normal gym workouts & get back eating more according to the gym challenge suggestions. YEE HAW!!!

Weigh in: frustration 

Well…to be quite honest this wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. I knew some of the weight from being sick would return cause dehydration & not eating for 2 days gave a fake reading. Although it did give encouragement! 😁

I’m feeling frustrated. This stupid ankle sprain is really a pain in the ass. I’m trying not to let it get me down but it’s just a major bummer. Here I was feeling really good, I had a great workout right before it happened & my weight loss was on track. Now that’s all to shit. The dr didn’t really give much info so Friday I did some googling. It could be 4-6 weeks of healing so that’s depressing to realize/hear. It will only be 4 weeks when I get back from Costa Rica & the new kickball season is supposed to start after that. Boo….

The swelling seems to have barely changed. My ankle is still a giant lump with limited definition. There’s a big bump that still hurts if pushed on. I think cause I stare at it a lot (I keep it elevated whenever possible) I’m not seeing any changes. And I’m being really critical. lol 

The gym is starting a 90 day challenge today not just with working out but eating as well for overall learning & health. Which will be good for me to do. I went to the gym last Thursday just to do what I could. Most of the upper body stuff I could participate & the cardio or leg stuff I improvised with other things. The trainers are really supportive & make modifications for me which is good. I was glad to be back with everyone just from the social standpoint too. It was a nice motivator.

Here’s to another week of healing, major portion control & seeing how the 90 day challenge rules will affect me. 

Weigh in: setback

Booo…it went up ☹️

Unfortunately the ankle injury Friday has set me back for weight loss. This was a real test this weekend while sitting around resting to not boredom eat. And believe me it was hard!!! Not being able to walk or move made me really aware of how much was going in cause before if I ate a little extra I’d just walk another mile. Without that option it really sucked! I was able to take a short easy walk around the neighborhood last night & I’m hoping to continue little bits of exercise.

My goals this week are to remain very aware of what I’m eating & especially portion sizes. No boredom eating! I’ll see what I’m able to do exercise wise without pushing it too much.

Fingers crossed this heals quickly!