Tag Archives: therapy

It’s been a year 

A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months. 

I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.

I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge. 

None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.

It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊

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Catching up 

Wowzers….it’s been a month. Sorry folks I am a bad blogger lately. Which is a shame cause I’ve had so much happen to share. So here’s some quick catch up which I’ll divide into 3 areas: before Canada, in Canada & back from Canada. 😊

So before I left in June for Canada I never did see Will again. I think his mom being here visiting and away from the kids for the 1st Father’s Day really got to him so the free weekend he did have (the one before I left) he went back to STL for kid time. Kind of a bummer cause I had tons of fun things happening he could have joined in on, but I also understood the need. On that note since we don’t have any commitment & have only hung out a few times I did have another guy ask me out so I went. We actually met at a mutual friend’s Memorial Day party & he asked her for my number (she asked me first). Met Mark for dinner on a week night cause I was days away from leaving. He seemed cool and we chatted awhile. I met him again for dinner the night before I left. Still unsure how I feel about him but I’m in no rush so left things with stay in touch the next few weeks.

Hung with friends at the beach and parties before I left. So much fun!! Glad to blow off some steam cause I knew the Canada trip was going to be hard work. Interesting side note…I got a friend request from a guy that turns out (yeah I do some checking before accepting) to be Joe the ex’s new roommate. Wtf??!! 😵 Initially I thought hell no deny that shit, but then I wondered what the game was so I waited. I spoke to this guy over 2 months ago once and to randomly send this now??? Like right after moving in with Joe? Hmmmm I did end up accepting the request but with setting restrictions so he can see only my public info. Have to see how this plays out. A few days later he followed me on other social medias that I do have public (I don’t post much personal info on those so enjoy 😂). Again it’s just weird. 

Got my stuff packed and organized for Canada. Got my work organized as best I could for being out of the office over 2 weeks. The trip to Canada turned out to be nothing like the past 3 trips I’ve done previously. 16-18 hour days on your feet & oops oh you didn’t get lunch? I don’t mind hard work, but some appreciation and consideration is nice. I’ve also not been around CRAZY people in quite awhile. I stay away from that. I don’t work for that anymore. I’m not friends with that. And here I was unfortunately stuck in the middle of full on psycho crazy! Obviously next time I’ll be asking a lot more questions before I accept going on a trip like this again. I did get out of town for 2 weeks which in some ways was good. I could tell the drama was getting to me & I needed to break away. I got paid and that pays for the vacation I want to take next year so yay!!! I enjoyed Calgary again & would love to visit when I can do what I want and see the area. It really is an amazing place.

I got home last Monday. It took ALL day & 3 flights but I was back in my bed at 10:30pm. I slept a lot on the flights and on my layover in Dallas which helped. I’m just so body sore & my poor feet are a wreck. I figured it’ll take 2 weeks to recover and it looks like I’m right. I spent Tuesday running errands and catching up before returning to my real job Wednesday. And that actually hasn’t been as messy as one would have thought. Yay!! I did make it to the gym once and sort of muddled thru a workout of what didn’t hurt or was healing.

I had therapy appt last week. Which I felt pretty good! I could have probably used the visit before, but I sort of feel like a lot of my anxiety and stress is gone. Or I’m just so tired I don’t give a shit. 🤔 I told my therapist she would have loved the group I was with for 2 weeks and they made me feel VERY normal. We laughed a lot.

I spent this weekend low key. Kickball started up again so I had games Friday night and then I went out with my girl Jess. We had fun! Saturday I got some beach time in!!! Today I walked a little & ran some errands. Just being a bum and resting which feels good! I’ll get more on my routine this week which will be nice. 

Fitting it all in

Life has been busy. This time of year always seems to be. Lots going on which is great, but I’m trying not to over do it either. 

I worked my side job last weekend. Which it had been raining on off for like 2 weeks. That’s getting old! Will got back from his work trip & we had a great dinner Sunday night (date #2). It was a really nice way to wrap up the weekend.

Monday I played cornhole, but Tuesday it got rained out. Impromptu dinner with friends which I invited Will also. I figured he’s seen me dressed up nice twice so this was casual jeans stuffing down wings. 🤣 He wasn’t fazed at all which was nice to see. I am enjoying hanging out & slowly getting to know him. He went out of town again for a few days & now his mom is here visiting until next week. I told him if he needs a break he knows how to find me. 😉

I had therapy last week. I do enjoy meeting with her. I know I’ve made a lot of improvements since last summer, but sometimes all I see is that hot mess still. She keeps it in perspective & we talk out things. Between the gym & a bday party I had a FULL week! Definitely going low key this weekend. 

Last night had a concert with the girls which was a blast!! Then we headed next door to the casino for a bit. I don’t play but it’s fun to hang & watch. Today I’ve been running errands which FL summer had kicked in. It’s hot! I really wish I could get some beach time. Perhaps tomorrow? I sent my dad his Father’s Day stuff this week so I’ll give him a call.

I leave next Monday for Canada for 2 weeks so I’ve been getting things organized for that. I’m trying not to leave it til the last minute to get ready, but you know in some way it always ends up that way. Even work I’ve been trying to get ready so it’s not a complete mess this week or when I return.

Tonight is a life celebration for a friend’s family member. But it’s at a bar & then the beach for sunset. Not sure what to expect. Maybe the bar is a good idea?

Waving the white flag

Ugh my life this week 😳

First the pain in the ass ankle sprain from the weekend. Then Monday as work is wrapping up I suddenly don’t feel well & toss cookies. 🤢 Wtf?? Throw up again before the drive home (thank goodness that didn’t happen in my car!!). Spend the rest of the day at home yakking until after midnight. I’m thinking I must of caught a bug from the weekend. I mean it was my dream diet but the timing sucked cause it’s not like I can walk very fast. 

Side note…you know you’ve hit bottom when while you’re puking for the upteenth time the toilet seat falls down on your head cracking your nose & now you are bleeding. Of course this was when the tornado was passing by & it was major storming & weather alerts are going off. Go ahead & laugh. It’s ok. My mother did. I can now. But at that moment I just laid on the bathroom floor & cried.

Today I am back to the land of the living. Still not walking very fast but my ankle actually has some definition instead of a giant lump. Progress!! Also I lost 4 pounds so my weight loss is back on track. Yay!! And thanks to not eating for several days my stomach has shrunk & I haven’t much appetite. Bonus!!

I have my monthly therapy tonight. Wonder what we’ll discuss. Not really feeling any urgent topics right now so maybe just updates on things? I’m sure that will lead to something more then. I hope to go for a short walk afterwards. Love that it’s staying lighter out later but yowza we’re having a cold spell! So much for a cute St Patty outfit on Friday!

Checking back in

So I’ve fallen off the writing wagon. Which was bad cause the past few months have had some amazing blog worthy moments & because I’m sure at times I really could have used the writing therapy. Honestly sometimes it’s just such a PITA to type on my iPhone that I just wasn’t into it. But I’m back. Again. Lol

So let’s see…checking my last post was right after I moved to the new house in November (gosh it’s been that long??) so we’ll start there. It’s going well! The new roommate Larry is great. I was straight up this is business & I don’t mix it when he suggested his friend asking me out or things like that. Just not going down that path. Nope. Nada. No thanks. We get along great, don’t see much of each other & it’s working! Lol. No really I do like it a lot. I basically have the half of the house for my bedroom and bathroom so space wise it’s great. Location wise it’s worked out so much better that I anticipated. I’m closer to work, friends, activities, gym, places I like to go. Not that I was far before but now we’re talking minutes which is fab! Him & his gf seem to have drama. GF & I do get along which is nice cause she can be the crazy jealous type but I also made it very clear to her from the get go this is a living business situation & anyways I don’t go after taken men (unlike quite a few sluts in this town). Larry & I recently had a talk to touch base about things and both of us are happy with the situation. Yay!!

Cornhole…my partner & I ended up winning the series for our level!!! Who would have thought?? We wore panda onesie suits (it was cold by FL standards that night so good thing) for laughs & we rocked our way to the top!!! It was a blast & I’m grateful he played the season with me. Then the 2nd season of cornhole started & I returned to playing with a previous partner (who is so much better than I). We didn’t have the best regular season but come play off night we both really got our shit together and shocker…we won!! This time it was against the higher level players (including my FL brothers) so it was huge for me on a personal level!! I have been between seasons now & haven’t started playing again. 

Kickball had been good. I love having plans on Friday nights. If I want to go out after I totally still can or most of the times we end up just hanging out at the ball fields laughing & yakking & watching other games. It’s a really nice way to wind down after the week & catch up with friends. Plus some have their kids there so we play games or cook out. Again proving you don’t have to be shit faced in a bar to have a good time!

Remember my tooth problems??? Well that finally got resolved the day before xmas when I had my wisdom teeth on the left side removed. Excellent drugs! And it was nice to spend the holiday in a haze to be honest. Unfortunately it was the only opening for like a month so I had to take it. Sucked to use my holidays off from work like that but not much could be done. My roommate was out of town & the dentist office wouldn’t accept Uber as a “responsible party” since I was getting totally knocked out (oh yeah this was real surgery it turned out) so my mom flew down to take care of me. The parents were coming anyways so she came a few days before Dad to handle me. Hahahaha!!! Bless her heart.

Speaking of parents…our relationship has continued to improve. Obviously they are happy POS is gone. We are improving communications & it’s a work in progress I say. I love them & I know they love me. Really I am quite blessed.

I still see my therapist monthly. She’s the bomb! We talk about whatever has happened, what is coming, you name it. I really believe she has helped me see things in new ways (especially how I see myself) & dealing with situations. I was still on the Prozac until start of February. I had been feeling pretty good for awhile & it’s not something I want to depend on forever. So I did a bunch of research on the internet (yeah I know super reliable), but since I was on the lowest dose possible and not for super long I felt ok trying it. I found basically a list of things you should have in order to stop taking it which I did cold turkey. And being honest…I feel ok. I do have about a week worth of Prozac & my original sleeping pills (which I’ve only taken 2 of) should things start to go backwards. But the key is I know my signs now when the anxiety is spiraling & I haven’t reached those levels. I’m not saying I don’t get anxious or have issues, but I’m better equipped now to handle them & not be bothered so much it affects me.

Still going to the gym. I celebrated my 6 months!!! I have to say that has been a huge positive step for me. 1–it’s physically healthy for me. Even though I’ve put on weight (too much) I am probably in the best shape I’ve been my adult life. I want to lose 10 pounds (the healthy way, not anxiety-ed out throwing up stress my life is a mess way) which my trainers feel is very reasonable with a few diet changes (I got really bad eating soft mushy crap carby sugar shit when my tooth pain was bad for so long) & an increase in activity. 2–it’s mentally healthy for me to go work out. I enjoy it, I’m feeling more confident, it is a stress reliever. I go after work on Mondays & Thursdays so it’s a good way to laugh off things plus we know how I love a routine. 3–I have met a great group of people. They aren’t the “culty” gym which is pretty common in this area. They are so supportive of one another & friendly & fun. We go out to hear bands, dinners & drinks, events. I’ve even met some great girlfriends which is nice. I love all my “brothers” but actually having girlfriends now is so nice.

The dating scene…let’s just say Tinder is interesting. Hahahaha!!! But I’ll wait til next time for all that.

But life overall is good! I survived 2016 which was a shit-tastic year (and not just for me but many others I know too) & am determined 2017 will be amazing. In so many ways!

Got my answer 

Yesterday I went home after work & started trying to clean up my room some. I had a garbage bag & a Goodwill bag. Only a few bags later & it’s already looking better! I have an idea for this weekend how to better thin my clothes out (how many tshirts do I need?) & am excited to get rid of more. 

I went to therapy. We spoke about a few things but a lot about my anxiety,  POS & possibly living together. It was good for me to discuss with her and talk about different aspects of our relationship & what it’s become. I have sadly realized that living there wouldn’t be good for me. He’s not going to man up and be the person I knew. I see the signs and read his actions. Idk if he’s a game playing douchebag or whatever but I do know relationship wise I deserve better. And now I just have to keep reminding myself that!

I stopped by his house on my way home. I want that $85 cause he said he’d pay me it & I could use it for my credit card. Of course he wasn’t home and when I called he didn’t answer. Again there’s my confirmation I’m right. He’s not a man. So guess I’ll try stopping by after the gym tonight to get my money. I love having to hunt people down to get my money back. 

The good news is that place I looked at Sunday did work out. I’ll be living there mid November so at least the transition financially I won’t be losing out. And it’s $200 a month cheaper!! I’m still in the area I wanted. Close by my stuff, smidge closer to work, further from POS (a good thing). I’ll have my own huge bathroom and a decent size bedroom plus some storage in the garage. The guy seems pretty normal, works a lot & has a gf so that’s cool. He’s about 10 years older than me & it’s his house so no worry of the owner not paying the bank again. I told my therapist I think this will be a good place for me to go and stabilize. We all know how much I like routine! Lol And another bonus is POS won’t know where I’m living.

So I guess it’s no much I got my answer, but I made a decision. About a few things I suppose.

Watching from the sidelines

Watching somebody struggle from the sidelines is hard. You don’t know what to do or say but you want to be there. Especially when you have felt those same feelings.

My weekend was interesting. POS & I went to the party and then the concert Friday night. DD1 went along with us which was fine. The party was good. It was actually nice to catch up and chat with people. But I noticed POS was feeling pretty good already when we left for the concert. Got there & I went to find my group of friends. POS would circle around & we’d see each other and then he’d be off roaming again so I knew he was drinking lots. I just sort of hung back & observed.

Next morning I gave him a card for Sweetest Day after I asked him if we had any plans for that night (we didn’t). We ended up having “the talk” cause I was like its been almost 2 months what is going on here?? He says we’re just friends hanging out. Really??? Needless to say I was surprised since I don’t sleep with my friends. I recognized there was more to what he was saying so I was patient and just asked questions and listened. He said he feels numb. He doesn’t care. About anything. Work. Life. Nothing. He is just a robot going thru the motions of the day. I have noticed he’s been sleeping a lot and the past few weeks he has been “off”. I assumed it was stress from work not knowing he was in a slump. I asked if he wanted to hurt himself which he said no. He has been drinking more and more to the end of not knowing where he is over the edge. I have gotten a few texts from him when he’s had a lot and says he doesn’t know where he is (I don’t respond cause he’s drunk texting and assume who’s he with will handle the situation). But I find that scary!

I’m not sure where this depression is coming from or what’s triggering it. He claims not to either. His life appears to be going well (which isn’t everyone that is a mess?) but believe me…I understand the feelings of sadness and overwhelmed and not caring. It is the 5 year anniversary of his divorce. Maybe that’s it? I know I have certain days during the year that put me in a slump. 

He hurt himself late Saturday at work (muscle pull) so we cancelled our dinner plans and stayed in Saturday night. Sunday I went to church and he said he might go to the dr. I asked him to keep me updated. I was pleasantly surprised when he did text me Sunday about 6:30 with an update and he’d been sleeping from the meds the dr gave him. I stopped by his house to check on him for a bit and then went home. I’m going to give him til Thursday. I’ll see if he contacts me this week. I also think we need to talk. He needs to hear it’s ok to ask for help and go get something if needed. Both his daughters have issues. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Just things aren’t firing correctly so get it back track. I am still taking my meds and I feel pretty good. Even with hearing what POS had to say it didn’t send me into some downward anxiety spiral. While I want to support him I can’t get sucked backwards into his issues if he isn’t willing to recognize or attempt to work on them.

I went to the beach Sunday. It was good therapy to walk along and listen to the water and think your thoughts. Soaked up some sun & read my book. It’s been a few weeks between being busy & red tide since I have gotten to enjoy it.