summer’s flying by

Woo…summer is going FAST!!! 💨💨

Lots of changes too surprise surprise. lol I know that’s how I roll. Life starts to slip slide down hill. I should be writing things down here & organizing my wild thoughts. Instead I wallow & start to hide & pull myself away until I finally get my shit back together & then BOOM I am moving forward.

I think it started after my trip to Chicago in mid-June & realizing how much I MISSED my privacy. That hotel suite all weekend to myself was just too nice. lol Not having a door on my bedroom was getting really old fast! Living with kids was more challenging than I had anticipated. Sharing a bathroom can be rough anyways, but sharing with kids AND everyone else who walks in the house was getting to be too much for me. By early July I was getting deeper down the hole (not sleeping, gaining weight, stressing out) cause honestly I was just unhappy. I tried making changes in other areas of my life, but realized that ultimately it was my housing situation causing me the problem & to quote my therapist I needed to “get the fuck out of there”.

Side note: my job that has been a major source of unhappiness for some time suddenly was resolved the end of June when the head of our division was walked out the door by HR on a Friday afternoon. I will not lie…extremely happy satisfying moment for me. I had been waiting for 1.5 years for that person to get theirs after they had tossed me under the bus & it finally happened which I knew it would. That’s just the line of work I am in–it all comes full circle if you give it enough time & have patience. I felt a giant whoooosh leave me that day & returning to work the following Monday has been massive improvements ever since. Even the perpetually unhappy person has been put in their place by new management & the toxic stressful environment has disappeared. Poof!

So anyways of course now that I decide in my head I need to leave, finding new housing is a whole other adventure. I knew I had to be patient cause I wanted within a certain area (I love my location!) & I definitely wanted a child free home with my own bathroom. I didn’t want to hop from 1 mess to another mess so I found some, looked at a few & knew I needed to wait. People are CRAZY. Yes, you are having me coming into your home as a roommate & obviously I expect there to be some ground rules, but some of it was just plain bat shit crazy. One lady even wanted me to make her coffee every morning like her previous roommate–sorry this isn’t Starbucks & I am not a barista! If you want me to PAY you rent, you have to give up some control. I understand…I have been on that side before having room renters in my home but it’s a give & take. Argh….

To sum it up I found a place that will make do for now I figure & it’s month to month. Older gentleman that rents out his extra rooms & I will have my own bathroom so at least I get out of John’s place (who by now I was going nuts trying to deal with kids on summer break & general craziness). I let John know I’ll be leaving in a few weeks. Within a few days I realize I can’t continue staying there & pack my stuff to start moving out. There was a lot more going on in that house than I ever told people & only 2 of my very good friends knew it all cause they knew the situation about the best or had it seen it themselves. They were also the 2 people who helped me get my stuff out when I had to move it. I am so thankful for them. I knew a lien for foreclosure had been filed in June. Our water had been shut off before too. And so many other bad things happening with finances & business, etc… yet John never seemed to acknowledge it or blamed it on somebody else. Another reason my anxiety was probably in overload cause it’s like I knew things I probably shouldn’t know, but I wasn’t going to call him out on it. I didn’t feel it was my place. I just needed to get out. Unfortunately that was a 4 year friendship that has now ended, but on the other had I guess it wasn’t that good of a friendship after all.

In the mean time things had changed at the new shared house & I was getting a strange vibe from the guy so I kept looking for housing & found another house. This time it’s just me living there! Higher end of what I wanted to pay, but I can swing it & it’s worth having my own little place. It’s a 3 bedroom home, but the owner is storing furniture in the other 2 rooms so I only have access to my bedroom/bathroom, the kitchen, living/dining area, laundry room (with new appliances!) & even a closed in carport for my car!! It’s perfect sizing for me!! Location wise I am back up by where the very 1st house was I was a roommate in so I’m familiar with & like the area. I moved all my stuff again (thanks to my bestie!) the next weekend & then left for my annual week of side work in Wisconsin. Which was amazing–I needed a break from FL, it was good to see friends, great to see my parents for dinner & I came back refreshed.

And now here we are the end of August. I woke up this week & realized I am happy. Like very simple just plain happy. I knew I had to keep sludging ahead thru the muck, but I think things are coming together nicely now. Work has improved. My housing has improved. My health has improved. Life overall is going well!!

As my friend I saw in Wisconsin said to me this week…FINALLY

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A miracle happened

**this was written the end of June & I have no idea why it never posted**

My room is finally unpacked & about 90% organized. 🙌 🙌

I know…it’s crazy! Last Sunday I got up, walked 6 miles, took myself to lunch & then came home to tackle the “project”. Seriously it took me like 7-8 hours of plugging away to get it done, but I was determined to get it done. I started with clearing out the garbage (empty bags, boxes, magazines, etc…) to give myself room. I tackled the clothes piles & how I wanted the drawers organized. I also made some bags for clothes that don’t fit for friends to try (my loss is their win) before Goodwill gets it. Then the clothes folding & real unpacking began… I actually ran out of space & put out some texts to find another dresser. Within an hour I had another dresser dropped off (thanks awesome neighbors! 😘) so I could resume the project. I’m telling you I was DETERMINED to get this done as much as possible! I am pretty pleased with the final results. I still have a little to go (random boxes of things), but who cares it’s about done finally. It only took 7.5 months after moving in! 🤪 I did tell my brother I need a door (yup I’ve had no door this whole time) & the ceiling fan re-installed so I’ll give that another week to happen before I really get on him about it.

Other than that I haven’t been very motivated this week. Which isn’t good for the diet at all. ☹️ The last 3 days I have come home from work & just done nothing (the heat or rain kills any motivation I have). Except eat. So not good! I have been trying a new routine with the gym. I have started going 1 day a week in the morning before work to get that extra workout in if I can’t make it on the weekend. Honestly it’s not that bad at 6am! Except it leaves my nights free so then I eat. 🤷🏼‍♀️

So happy it’s finally Friday!!

I haven’t played kickball in forever on Fridays & I’m looking forward to the new team I’m on for the summer!!

Weekend getaway revelations

I type this as I’m flying back south after a weekend visit to Chicago. Less than 48 hours there, but an interesting trip for me. The reason for this trip was the wedding (the bachelorette party from last month) & as a bonus I got to see my dad for Father’s Day!

It started Friday after work. First flight was fine. Delays all over at the next airport which wasn’t affecting me initially, but eventually my flight was 40 minutes late leaving. Whatever. I wasn’t in a time crunch & I wasn’t going to be bothered by something I can’t control. Holy cow other people were super pissed though so I enjoyed dinner at my gate & some late evening entertainment! I landed really late, got my Lyft & made it to the hotel by 1:30am so not too bad. Yay!

Saturday morning after being up over 20 hours & with the time change I only got a few hours nap we’ll call it. Since it was 8am & I didn’t have to be ready for the wedding shuttle til 3pm…I went to the hotel gym. I know? Who the fuck am I?? I have become the weird person who works out AND LIKES IT on vacations. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I then went to breakfast at the restaurant & enjoyed a leisurely meal before I went back to nap some more & get ready. I pondered the pool but it was indoors and didn’t have good chairs to read or sleep on.

As I sat there eating breakfast I realized how much I have changed. I came all by myself on this trip (not even meeting up with my BFF as my wedding date), hadn’t spoke to anyone (outside of hotel or airport interactions) since I left work Friday & was actually doing things (not just hiding in my room) AND I WAS OK WITH IT. Ding ding. Wow big girl moment! I dare say I felt quite at ease and comfortable with my own company. I am always surprised when people tell me they won’t do things on their own cause it makes me then wonder how little I would be doing if I hadn’t adopted the just do it mentality 5+ years ago? Honestly I didn’t always feel comfortable or I’d feel very self conscious doing things solo especially if it was a couples or group type thing but I just kept pushing myself to go rather than miss out. Eventually I just ignored the feelings & did whatever it was. But this was the first time I honestly could say I was comfortable with being by myself.

Finally!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The wedding Saturday by the way was amazing! It was outside at an estate in a very upscale area and all top notch. I got to see the girls I met last month all gussied up plus several friends I hadn’t caught up with since I moved so it was very enjoyable. The bride & groom were a beautiful couple and I am so happy everything was perfect for them! Except the bloody heat & humidity. It was sweltering sitting there for the ceremony so I can only imagine how the wedding party felt standing. Seriously I never want to hear anyone bitch about Florida heat again! I mean if you are in the center of the state or some shithole area by all means but you brought that on yourself honey. I live on the Gulf & we have breezes and there’s never been a triple digit day. Now the Chicagoland area…they are having severe heat watch or whatever they call it & it’s like the face of the sun trying to breathe. I don’t miss any of that! I’m so happy to be on the plane headed south right now 🤣

I was a bum this morning. I considered working out again, but that would make 4 days in a row when I get home which I’ve learned doesn’t work for me. I need a recovery day if I want my workouts to be effective. My parents picked me up at the hotel & we went for Father’s Day lunch on the way to the airport. I was so happy to see my Dad today as I haven’t gotten to spend it with him in the 5 years since I moved. Plus I haven’t seen him since November for his birthday. We talk on the phone and stay in touch regularly but it’s just not the same. The parents are going on a vacation next week but I encouraged Dad at least (mom’s working) to come visit even for a few days after that so maybe.

All in all it was a great trip! I realized I’ve had a lot of personal growth which is good to see. I’m happy to be heading home though. I upped my gym membership this month & I’m having my food delivered again this week. I need to get back on track for my weight goals. I was so close and the last 2 weeks its gotten ugly. 😖 All on me & I know it so time to get serious again. The 4th of July is mygoal now!

good bye birthday month

Where have 31 days gone???

dorothy

My birthday celebration was amazing! I have so many wonderful friends down here who went the extra mile to make everything special. I am so blessed! It started on last Thursday at the gym with a birthday workout class where I wore a tutu…cause who doesn’t wear a rainbow tutu to workout?? Complete with singing & laughs it was definitely a fun sweat session. We then headed over to a local craft brewery for food trucks & cake to blow out my last day in the 30’s. I pointed out to one of the gym owners what an amazing bunch of members they have at their gym to make a person’s day so special.

My actual birthday on Friday was great! My co-workers once again went above & beyond. Flowers, candy, little booze bottles–OH MY!!! Went out that night with a group that started at bar #1 for some drinks & to get going. Moseyed over to bar #2 for MORE drinks (probably not such a great idea in the long run lol) & dancing (probably a good idea but too late by then lol). People kept filtering in & out all night which was amazing to see so many friends. Bless my core group that got me home that night. Much love!!

Saturday was my friend’s 30th birthday party & she wanted a sunset booze cruise which was tons of fun! Probably about 25 people went & we had a great time despite the crummy weather. I definitely would love to go again when it’s nicer out. I refrained from drinking & instead opted to be a DD for me & Joe (NOT the douchebag creeper ex from 2 years ago but another Joe who’s a nice guy) since he had to leave early for work the next day. The crowd then continued onto dinner which I felt bad for the restaurant. A large mostly drunk group isn’t what they wanted I am sure on a Saturday night, but seeing as they didn’t have much business in hindsight they should have been a bit nicer to us. Probably why they weren’t very busy!

Sunday was a day of just bumming before going to see the Avengers movie. I went with the guy I had met for lunch last week. Rob is nice & I think we get along fine, but unfortunately it turns out he works out at my gym so that’s a big fat NOPE for me. We had no idea beforehand & of course figured it out while talking at lunch. Which means we also know several mutual people & such so I just won’t go there. I have seen gym drama go bad & have no desire to be a part of it. Plus I love my gym & it’s MY place to go to vent & relax…I don’t want to have to find another!

Monday I had off from work so Joe & I went to a theme park. Rode some roller coasters, had some laughs, enjoyed the day. Came home & binge watched some Jersey Shore Family Vacation episodes. OMG–those people make me feel so much better about myself!

Overall it was a GREAT birthday & month. I am not sure #40 will ever be topped but it sure will be fun trying!

 

it’s closing in…

My birthday that is!!!

Flirting with 40 is almost over with less than 2 days to go. Which makes me a little sad cause when I started this blog is felt like 40 was still a bit off, but time has just flown by. There have been of course big ups & downs. A few tears too, but honestly more laughter. SO MUCH LAUGHTER. I have grown so much as a person & really started to figure out who I am. I have let go of friendships that were no longer healthy for me. I now know that that is ok to do as different phases of life bring in different types of people. I have met so many more wonderful people who have all helped me grow & learn about myself in some way big or small. Some of those people continue to still be in my life while others have already passed thru. My core circle of friends although small is rock solid & I know they are the people who will go to war with me. And isn’t that what one really needs? To know you have even just 1 or 2 people that so believe in you & want good things for you so that when you forget they are there to remind you. Those are MY people.

Why couldn’t I have started down this path 10 years ago? But I suppose that is what your 30’s are for. Trying to find who you are & becoming ok with it. I am excited for my 40’s. More adventures. More laughter. More travel. More friends. Hopefully more love. I really do believe I will meet the right man. I know there will be more tears, but that only means I am trying. Not everything is always a success & there will be failures except I now feel better prepared to handle them.

where is this month going???

May is going by sooooo fast & that makes me a little sad cause it’s MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!!! I want it to linger as long as possible especially since the BIG 4-0 is here. At least I am back in town now for a bit. But so many fun plans I can’t wait for!

Just got back from a weekend bachelorette party on the other side of the state. Honestly I haven’t been to that side in almost 20 years & it’s not where I could live. The beaches aren’t even comparable. The houses are pretty to admire though. The area is very over priced so going out is expensive, but it was a fun time. There was 10 of us girls sharing a house & I think we did pretty well. Only a little drama from some of the bridesmaids. lol We did do a bike bar thing one afternoon where everyone pedals & we stopped at a few bars. That was so much fun! I definitely recommend that for any type of group outing.

The rain this week has been non-stop. And the love bugs. I have never seen anything like that even though I have lived here for 4.5 years. WTF???!!!! When the swarms come I am not going outside! HELL NO. Then my car adventures…2 weeks ago I had to replace all 4 tires. It was time & I knew it was coming so I wasn’t shocked when the dealership told me (I was there for an oil change). Still a chunk of change though to part with. Then I notice last week when washing it there is a big spot on my rim missing from either taking the tires on or off. Now I am not your typical flakey girl when it comes to my cars…I am very on top of it & take care of it so I notice this stuff. Back to the dealership I go where they notice none of the rims look right (there was black coming thru the silver). A day later I get a text that 4 BRAND SPANKING NEW rims are being ordered & will be put on the car all at NO CHARGE cause it was factory covered. HELL YEAH!!!

Yesterday was my 2 year anniversary of moving out my house & to the “new” city. I have lived in 3 different places, but I really have found my niche I believe. I love the area I am in! It’s perfect for me location & activity wise & friends. I have to say I am happy in that aspect. Things have been an adjustment at the house. Living with kids has been a whole new adventure for me. They are a hoot though & I enjoy having them around. My room is still not unpacked which I am sure is my biggest problem. But who wants to clean & organize their bedroom when so much other fun stuff is happening? I suppose all the rain this weekend will help me do that. And I know once it’s done I’ll feel better too.

The dating scene….it is interesting. I know I am at a good point in my life where everything has come together & I even told my therapist last month I really feel ready to have a relationship. And I have faith that it will happen this year cause things are just going so well. But patience is just not my thing! Things with J are going ok. Before I went to Jamaica 2 weeks ago I wanted to have some sort of informal chat about where things were with us & unfortunately it happened over the phone which I would have preferred in person. What came of that is he does have fun when he’s with me, but he’s not out searching for relationship although he isn’t opposed to one happening. He’s not into labels. He hasn’t had a real serious anything since his divorce 3 years ago & while I respect that he got hurt badly, I am not going to deal with somebody who hasn’t dealt with their issues. Not doing that again!!! I have gone to therapy, faced my problems & am putting in the work to become a better me. I refuse to go backwards. I feel like he’s just very indifferent. If I am there–great. If I am not–ok. If he sees me–fun. If he doesn’t–oh well. And I want more. I AM WORTH MORE. I want a man who’s excited & wants to see me. When a week goes by he’s trying to make plans to see me. That’s just not happening here. J & I usually text or talk daily or every other day which is nice, but I don’t want a relationship with my phone. Not in the early stages of whatever this might be. I want to give things time & I am trying to be patient, but I also don’t want to be stupid wasting my time. It’s a very hard line I am realizing & I don’t do grey well. At some point I will need to decide. As of now he’s not able to attend any of my birthday plans or functions I have been invited to or am attending for the next few weeks. Which I am fine with some of it cause he has his kid, but I also feel at moments like this I want people around me who will be here in the future moving forward. If you’re not in it, then don’t come for the fun stuff. I don’t want you in those memories.

So with all that being said I re-opened my online dating profile last weekend and I have gotten some serious hits already. I have a lunch date Saturday. And possibly some others may happen too. I talked with my therapist about it yesterday. J has shown me his feelings & I need to listen. I am not totally writing him off as part of me wants to believe he could be the right guy so I will give him more time, but I am not putting out the effort anymore. We both have traveling in the next few weeks so I figure another month to see what happens. Either it will fizzle out or he will step up. In the mean time I am going to continue doing my thing & if I meet somebody else then so be it.

“hey mon you’re on vacation”

That’s all I heard the entire time I was in Jamaica 🇯🇲

Just got back Monday night. What a great time!! Secrets St James was really nice. Flew into Montego Bay with about 30 people from our group on Thursday. My friend from up north came down from Chicago Wednesday so getting up at 2:30am for our ride after being out late at kickball was REALLY FUCKING EARLY. And I’m a morning person who pops up with no coffee so imagine all the non-morning people. It was not good for awhile. 🤐

The resort was nice. The pool was great. Thursday was about a 20-22 hour long day for a lot of us (those 20 minute cat naps don’t count for shit) so I saw a lot of hangry happening. Then the booze kicked in. I will say they know to keep those drinks coming at the front desk & check in process…especially when some people couldn’t get in their rooms for a few hours & it was already after noon.

Friday was spent out by the pool. By then we had started to break off into little groups. The single/fun couples grouped up so we had about 7 of us that bummed around together & tried things out. We just waited for instructions on where to be & when, but otherwise had a good ole time doing our own thing. Went kayaking for a bit. Went in the ocean a few times when we got tired of the pool crowd. The weather was perfect! That night we broke off for our own dinner cause we knew trying to get 50 people together for dinner at the same place was gonna be an epic shit show. Heck even the bride’s mother joined us. lol We met up with everyone else after for (more) drinks & some of us continued on to the club later that night (waaaay more drinks!). Let’s just say that was an even bigger shit show. haha!!

Saturday we tried stand up paddle boarding before the water got rough & unfortunately by late morning the rain started coming & going. Luckily by wedding time later it was clear & the ceremony on the beach was just beautiful. The couple looked stunning & the backdrop was amazing. It was everything you could hope for. They had made the call for the reception to be moved inside which was really good as it did downpour hard a few times later on. The evening was a great time, but by 11pm I was dying (probably my less than 3 hours of sleep the night before) so I bailed. I didn’t feel too bad though as a lot of people were experiencing during the trip what we called “the Jamacians” which meant they weren’t leaving the bathroom. I was probably one of the few who didn’t get it. But I was also pretty conscious of what I ate & how much since my system had been messed up before the trip. My friend was sick Friday night, but on the plus side she said she didn’t think she’d gain any weight on the trip. lol

Sunday some of the people started leaving which about 1/2 our little group did. I have to say the day was a bit of a bust as it had a few really good downpours between the rain sprinkles. We tried the pool for awhile, but getting soaked by large COLD rain wasn’t working for me so I bailed. We did a fun hibachi place for dinner & stayed low key. I’ll miss those chocolatinis the lobby bartender knew to keep making for me! Leaving Monday was a little sad. Met so many cool people considering when we started the trip not really knowing anyone. I had a really good time & loved the experience so I would definitely go again!

Just a girl who's flirting with 40…while trying to find love & happiness by the beach