House buying full steam ahead!!!

The house purchase is still on track!! Closing is set for mid-March still & I have demo scheduled to start the next day. Plus other contractors coming out to work or take a look inside at what needs to be done. The schedule is tight cause I wanted to be in there around the start of May. The apartment lease ends May 9th so it will be close. I am good with moving in even if it’s not fully completed as long as the big stuff is done.

Some changes happened though. I was getting a weird vibe from Ken regarding the house. His comments about the house & actions for 2 weeks after we signed I just felt he wasn’t on board so I spoke with the bank & am doing this on my own now! I am sad because I thought this was a “we” thing, but he seemed to be unsure & negative so I was like well f— this I am not going to be homeless come May.

Not going to lie…I am pretty excited about this house & I think it’s going to be a nice home in the end. Yes it’s a big project & more work needed than the 1st house I bought, but I feel like I am ready for it. I have been looking for something to do and this has been it. Yes some moments I am like “ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit what have I done” but I take some deep breathes, check my notes & know it’s all going to work out. And I text my besties who reassure me everything will be ok so that helps.

Currently I am sitting in Las Vegas waiting for the 10k race this evening down the strip. I did this race 2 years ago so was pumped to come back. Unfortunately the excitement just isn’t there for me. I am not where I want to be fitness wise. I am going to follow the race plan I used 2 weeks ago for the local 10k as that worked out well. Another bummer was the airline cancelled my flight Thursday & I didn’t get here until Saturday lunchtime. So what was a 4 day trip with fun stuff planned turned into only 36 hours here to do the race. My mom flew out still Thursday so she was waiting for me to get here. It’s been fun catching up with her. And Vegas…it never fails to deliver on the people watching. haha!

Off & running

So much has been happening I need to post more often.

Therapy between Ken & I has continued. Honestly it really has been helping. The therapist has started focusing some on Ken which has been good cause now I am getting some of what I need as well. We both are given things to work on & it seems to be working.

Today I did a 10k race. It was fun in a way. I haven’t really done much live racing so that was cool. Most have been virtual if any since COVID started. I did that duathlon a year ago & did a 5k last March, but then my knee was hurt so it was back to time out. But it also sucked in a way cause I am so out shape & overweight. UGH. In fact I am 24 lbs over right now & that’s even with some of the weight I have lost since the new year. My running is much slower. Although the good part is I am having no pain or issues so that I will take as a win. I just need to be able to go further. I have been swimming 3x a week which has been good as it’s no joint stress.

In other crazy news I started looking at houses last month. Housing here is insane. Apartment rentals are even more ridiculous. Ken hasn’t received his renewal notice information yet, but from what friends have said they have seen monthly increases up to $500+. So several months ago I started paying attention to houses just to get a feel for whats out there (over priced that people get in cash bidding wars over I realized). Then when I saw something interesting I started going in to look. Of course in Florida this time of year was always bad (people list their houses crazy prices just to see if a snowbird will bite) but it’s worse now. I quickly realized my budget was more of finding a fixer upper. Which I did find one somewhat appealing so I asked Ken if he wanted to go see it. And things have progressed now to where we have the bank appraisal tomorrow. Little crazy. The house will be a project but I’m lining up contractors & getting a construction schedule together now.

So who knows…house adventures part deux could be coming!

In 2022 I am going to…

Refocus on ME

Yup, that’s 1 of my main resolutions for this year.

I have been feeling so adrift. Waiting for Ken for over 2 years to get his situation even started let alone figured out I think has finally taken it’s toll on me. I feel like in so many aspects of my life I have been on a pause to see what happens. My goals, my dreams, plans, everything has stalled. And I know I only have myself to blame here so it’s now on me to start the forward motion again.

We have been having arguments lately. I think part of it is cause I am so fed up with things I just don’t care anymore. I will admit I haven’t said or acted nicely. Our situation was already strained somewhat & now bringing his son part time into the mix hasn’t helped at all. Observing things I have realized I was told more lies than I realized (I always knew I wasn’t getting the full story cause it was only his version I heard but still I expected a little more). For starters his relationship with either of his children isn’t what he led me to believe. I would call it below average at best to be totally honest. How can you even think about adding me to that mix? I have still not met his oldest child (21 yo daughter at college) & who knows if I will? He doesn’t even see her & barely hears from her unless she needs something. His total lack of any parenting ability drives me nuts. I don’t have kids, but I have lived with them & been around them. Helped raise a few. Hang out with my friends who have kids & we discuss it. I am not totally ignorant to kids. Ken gets completely stressed out having his son & it makes this apartment such a tense environment. I said I don’t think he even knows my name which Ken was like well maybe. WTF?? It’s been 2 months since he met me & he doesn’t speak to me. I am talking basic polite social manners that even 7 yo’s have. It’s such a fun time to come home. Which leads to the next issue is I don’t spend much time at home when he’s here. They need to be spending time together or doing father/son things with what time they have so I don’t want to interfere or be here all the time. My kickball & cornhole is back playing so that takes up my nights too. I can’t help they just sit in separate rooms staring at phones/tv (see above comment about lack of parenting ability). I have also noticed his son has quickly gotten quite manipulative. It’s extremely irritating & I am not going to let a 13 yo boy run my life. That’s fine if his parent allow it, but I’m not in a position to call it out nor is it my issue to fix. So again I leave or make other plans to avoid feeling the frustration in my own home. Ken sees none of this he claims when I ask later (I’ll say wasn’t that odd or ask ummm you really think that happened?) because they have treated this child this way for so long IT’S TOTALLY NORMAL to him. Ugh… To sum it up the kid has a lot of issues & his parents are doing him no service by not addressing anything & just catering to him. Ken claims he’s “working” on it, but I never see any progress or changes. He’s always working on something yet never actually finishes it. Unless it’s his training/Ironman stuff then nothing gets in the way of that.

So last week Ken & I started counseling (via virtual which is not the best but better than just a phone call cause we can see each other). Honestly I don’t know what will come from it. I had asked my therapist for a referral so it’s a new person for both of us. I have been in therapy for over 5 years to address me & work on my stuff. Ken hasn’t done anything. So the therapist said he wants to start with me since I know how it works & Ken is such a mess (insert hand waving motion). He said I have unrealistic expectations of a relationship with Ken which I said nothing. Personally I think it sounds like Ken is just getting off the hook for being so messed up & we just have to work around him? And my homework is to be nice cause Ken said he’s so stressed out because I am just always coming at him (we’ll ignore it’s his behavior or issues that trigger me being upset). Fine. I can be nice. I smile & say ok a lot now. Ken got nothing to do. Therapy is next Sunday again so who knows. I don’t think the therapist is going to want to hear what I have to say. Ken left out a whole lot of information that I think the therapist should know. Like he cheated on his wife & lied to her, he kept fucking his baby mama which is why he’s got #2 now, he’s told some other lies about stupid shit to me so what else is he lying about. Ken tends to leave out anything that makes him look not so good to other people. It should be a good time.

So as I have gotten off track here (not writing for 2 years does that I suppose) back to me. 2022 will be the year about me. If someone doesn’t serve a purpose to me or bring value to my life then be gone. Life is too short. I am going to be selfish with my time & energy. I have had 3 friends diagnosed with breast cancer in the last 2 months. It’s crazy! I keep thinking if I got that diagnosis would I look at my life for the last 2 years & say I have been living my best life? Doing all the things I want to do? The answer is no. I haven’t been & that needs to change. NOW.

So here’s to 2022…I am ready & the forward momentum has started!

Wow…it’s been quite some time

Well almost 2 years to be exact since my last post. Gee…what all has happened since I last posted about how 2019 wrapped up & 2020 was just getting started?? I’ll give it my best with the highlights:

Feb 2020 – the braces came off!! Yup after just over 1.5 years braces be gone. I have a upper & lower retainer I wear at night. I also hit my goal weight. I mean perhaps the orthodontist cranking the last few weeks on my teeth caused those last 10 lbs to disappear plus my mom & I leaving on a cruise 3 days after were probably some big contributors but who knows?? Yes, Mom & I went on a 7 day cruise that was FREAKING AWESOME & we loved every minute of it.

March 2020 – oh that thing called Covid happened. And then life started going sideways.

April 2020 – work closed their doors to the public & each dept only had 1 person come in to the office. I volunteered to be that person thinking this would only last a few weeks & I’d get caught up on projects with no one there. Joke was on me as that last til end of June! I was living with Jaime still (thank god!) & we tried to keep things “normal” at home since her daughter was also with us. We worked out, I went to work, they did online work/school. Honestly I think we did pretty good being all cooped up there. All the gyms, sports activities, beaches, even Disney were closed. Ken & Jaime’s BF came over but we kept to our selves mostly.

June 2020 – I paid my car off. EARLY!! Like even earlier than I had predicted. 2 years early in fact. I am still so proud of that! To stay ahead of the game I have continued to make “car payments” every month into my savings account so next time maybe I won’t even need a car loan.

Summer 2020 – nothing too exciting. Except that I had started the process in May to get rid of the Property Manager for my rental property & take it over myself. I had to get a lawyer. It took a bit & she threatened I would have to pay her for a whole year worth of commission, but eventually it ended with me only paying what HER contract I had signed stated. Folks…make sure any contracts you have say exactly what you want them to, not what you want it to mean when the situation suits you. Learning lesson for her! So I officially became a slumlord 100% that August with the same renters signing a new annual contact. Yeah so nothing changed but I quit paying the PM 10% every month for doing nothing. Yay me!

Fall 2020, Winter 2020/2021 – just doing life. I can’t think of anything significant happening. Parents were down for the winter which was nice having them close by for at least a few months.

Spring 2021 – Ken decided he needed to sell his home for several reasons & to finally change the situation there. He met with a realtor & found an apartment. We moved in early April together! Yes I moved out of Jaime’s. Which was hard. As excited as I was to move forward with Ken it was incredibly hard to leave Jaime & her daughter & even the dog. That had been for almost 1.5 years not only the longest I have lived anywhere, but with people I was very close to. It also meant Ken getting a lawyer & figuring out a parenting plan, everyone moving out of the house etc… starting that process.

Summer 2021 – we were living together & doing life. I got an offer in May on my house I couldn’t ignore (it had been happening for 6 months) & ended up selling my house in June. With the renters & everything as is. I figured it wasn’t an opportunity I should pass up when I looked at costs & things long term. It was a great house for me all these years, but that pool had me worried if it went it was going to be some real $$$$ to repair. Ken’s house sold in early August. The housing market down here is crazy so it all happened really fast once the balls started rolling. I was back to my side jobs & traveled to Wisconsin again. Nashville for a bachelorette in August was fun!

Fall 2021 – we did a lot of traveling for Ironman events. Ken qualified for Worlds in St George which was amazing, but the next weekend he had a IM in Chattanooga as part of a relay team (race deferred from 2020). We ended up renting a car & driving that week between locations. I haven’t been out west or road tripped since I was younger & Ken never had. It was quite the adventure! I wish everyone could get that opportunity to see the USA and all the different parts. The vast openness of areas was amazing. It was nice to get away from home & honestly Ken & I needed that time. We had both been so busy & going in different directions it seemed. A few weeks later we went to Waco, TX for another IM race. Quick weekend trip, but have never been there so it was fun! November things started getting busy again. Ken’s parenting plan was worked out & his son started coming over. Having a 13 yo boy in the apartment is interesting. Meeting him has been long overdue but we’re getting there.

And that about where it’s at. The holidays are happening. It’s no longer super HOT here. I have realized writing this & looking back I really have missed keeping track of things. Just see my own changes over the years even. So going into 2022 it’s my goal to keep better track of things & write here.

2019 wrap-up

Yeah I am late to the party. What’s new? lol Been reflecting in my head, but haven’t had the time to get on a computer to write it.

Let’s see…2019 can probably best be broken down into several categories.

WORK – It’s going. I celebrated my 6 year anniversary there. Yay! My boss has delayed his retirement to July ’21 (it was end of 2020) so I am thrilled cause we get along great. It really does make life so much easier when you have a good boss. Yes I get frustrated & contemplate leaving at times, but at this point I have less than 2 years until I am vested so I can stick that out. I make good money for what I do. We have hired more people so my job duties have actually decreased to what they should have been! I have been in public sector for so long I don’t know any other way. lol My side job had a good year. I made extra money doing something I enjoy & I got to travel also for it. I turned down some work which hopefully doesn’t affect me being hired in 2020, but I can’t work 24/7 & miss out on the fun stuff.

HEALTH – It was a long year. It started with the toe warts which just WOULD NOT GO AWAY. Burning them every few weeks, even cutting them out. Finally froze them and then wrapped in duct tape & Compound W for almost 2 months seemed to have done the trick! I have been on high alert checking in case they return to whip that duct tape back out, but so far so good. The tubal ligation & ablation (no baby) surgery was an experience. I don’t know about voluntary surgery again, but I am happy in the end I did it. It’s been over 8 months & I haven’t had any complications so I am going to call it a success. The recovery was not as explained to me (they made it seem like a walk in the park) & a few other things have me in the process of looking for a new gyno. I won’t lie…haven’t had a period since before the procedure & not having to worry during sex is really great. Now onto the biggest pain in my ass this year…my right foot. Finally getting a diagnosis in November (planter tear) & being able to form a plan of attack was huge for me mentally. Being in pain since February & not being able to really participate in events all year was a huge disappointment. Right now things are still looking good. Approaching week 8 of rehab & feeling ok so fingers crossed it continues!

DATING – It started a bit rough, but I was optimistic. I felt I was finally coming into a good place for myself that I wanted a relationship & was ready for one. There were a few guys, but nobody stuck around more than a couple dates (either by my choice or theirs). Then Ken popped back up in the picture in the spring when he invited me to Chattanooga. Why not right? He’s cool, I like to travel…let’s go. And here we are over 7 months later still together. We had a lot of fun & traveled a few places. I am not sure where the relationship will go as Ken still hasn’t changed his situation & I know that I want more than what we currently have. Hopefully it works out.

FRIENDS – There have been some changes. There always is. Circumstances (moving, babies, etc…) change things. I miss some of the friendships I had & treasure the ones I still do. I think I have become a better friend over the years as I work on improving myself. I am happy to have met some new friends this year & developed other friendships more.

HOUSING – Well…I lived in 3 places during 2019. I started the year in the house by myself, moved in with the older lady & now live with Jaime since Thanksgiving. It’s going well. I am not sure how long I will stay though. I told her from the start it would be temporary while I waited to see how things with Ken played out. We have become friends which is nice & I don’t want to ruin that by staying too long.

FINANCES – The year started not very good. I had overspent on housing the 2nd half of 2018 & it continued in 2019 when I was renting the house by myself. Plus I had spent a good chunk of savings on my braces (over $5k) so that was empty. Ugh. I had a lot more medical expenses than I imagined (those bills from the no baby surgery kept coming), but the good part was I met all my medical limits by the end of May so it’s been free for the rest of the year. Bonus! I have cut my housing expenses by $300 a month from the start of the year to the end which was HUGE! I budgeted & just saved a lot this summer & fall. Don’t get me wrong…a good time was still had, but I cut out a lot of crap. I reduced my non-essential shopping by a lot. A positive of dating Ken means I’m not going out on the weekends & dropping mad money at bars, restaurants or ubers. I guess staying in has it’s perks! I focused more on the experiences with friends & taking advantage of so many “freebies” here (the beach, fun runs, gym socials, sports gatherings, etc) to socialize cheaper. I am on track to pay my car off early…hopefully the end of 2020!

And finally how did my RESOLUTIONS do? Pretty good!! I kept them handy & reviewed them A LOT in the beginning of the year (like daily at times when I needed it), but realized last week I hadn’t looked at them in quite awhile. Upon re-reading them for the 1st time in months I was pleasantly surprised to find I had been sticking to them pretty well! Yay me!

I am happy to report that for 2019 I DID FINISH STRONG!

Merry Christmas aftermath

The holiday festivities have been in full swing. There was a birthday/xmas party Ken & I went to last weekend. It was fun & I laugh seeing people’s reactions when he comes out since it’s so rare. Honestly I was surprised he did come out cause usually he bails (I’ve come to learn the “roommate” throws a hissy when he tries to leave the house so he just retreats to his room). Apparently there was some scurffle about him going out (for a few hours mind you, nothing CRAZY) cause she was at home with their son (who is 11 so really?). Now she wasn’t going out or had any plans to leave the house, but I think part of her game is she likes the control. Well, Ken came out anyways despite her having a fit which I am sure threw her for a bit of a loop. I sense perhaps a slight shift in power happening?

The weather has been really blah so can’t do much outside. I’ve been at the gym & swimming some. I still haven’t gotten my Roku set up at the new place (I am in major TV withdrawal) cause something with the wifi not being strong enough? We don’t know & neither to roomie or I are very tech savy. I have been reading a lot more this month so I guess that IS a good trade off. Sunday night I went with friends for a scavenger hunt to look at Christmas lights in the neighborhoods. OMG, that was hilarious!! I can’t wait to play again next year!

Christmas itself is really nothing special for me. I mean I love the whole lights & Santa & fun of it, but my family isn’t here. There are no little kids. Ken & I aren’t together for it (he was on shift the 25th). Christmas Eve morning I went to see the new Star Wars movie with Rob & then went to a friend’s for dinner that night. Christmas Day I went to the beach for a few hours in the morning. I was nice to read & just get some sand in the toes. In the afternoon I went to another friend’s house (she’s the one who took us all in for Thanksgiving) where we ate/drank & hung out & watched Elf. And that was it. Nothing crazy, but a nice 2 days off from work. I am very appreciative for my friends who include me & reach out with invites. It would be very easy to just hole up & go down the spiral to the black hole (as I have done in the past), but I just kept myself going & doing little things so I enjoyed it this year.

Moving on to this weekend not much is planned. More reading, beach time, just waiting for January honestly. A friend is having a house party for NYE so I’ll go there. Ken is on shift & I don’t feel like a crazy party this year. If it gets too overwhelming or nuts I can just head back home.

I got back on my food delivery this month. I did great & lost 6 pounds the first week BOOM just getting the eating under control. Well the last week has been SHIT. I am so tired of food honestly. So I am refocused hard as of yesterday (the 26th) to finish the year strong eating properly. I wanted to lose 10 lbs this month, but I don’t know if that will happen now. The inability to really be mobile with my foot is hard. I am now 5.5 weeks in to recovery. I know my foot is feeling better & I so badly really want to walk or run just a little but I won’t! I am making myself wait the full 8 weeks before anything. Ugh…

I need to start thinking more about 2020 & want to I want to accomplish. Or try doing. Or where I see myself going. Hmmm…

Rolling into the holidays

Whew…this month is zipping by! I enjoy the holidays, but it can get very overwhelming.

Ken took me with to a holiday party for one of his training clubs. It’s actually a group I will be joining when my foot is healed as I have gotten to know quite a few people in it & it’s a good time. I know it seems small, but for him that was a big step cause all these years he’s never taken anyone to any of this stuff.

This past weekend was his last race for the year in Daytona Beach. I have never been there so I was excited for the road trip even if it was just an overnight. Plus the race itself was held at the Daytona Speedway which was totally cool! We had access all over the grounds & got to go in a lot of the driver’s areas & private meeting rooms which was neat! And when Ken locked his keys in the truck before we were leaving Sunday I also got to meet all the security & see those “special” areas too. haha!!

Saturday night we got actually be a “normal” couple. Stopped by the beach after sunset & had dinner along the water. Did the typical tourist things. I love when we get to have these basic moments cause it’s stuff we never get to do at home normally. We hung out at the (shit hole) motel which we laughed & laughed about how awful it was. Watching a Star Wars marathon (we’re both nerds) & hanging out doing nothing is sometimes just the best with the right person. Ken did say he was glad I came with & he was happy I was there.

I am now 4 weeks into resting my foot since Vegas. I am using that date as my official starting point since it’s the last time I ran. I did some research online & when I had a follow up with my orthopedic doc last week we discussed it more. I have a planter plate tear I discovered. Healing is 8-12 weeks I read which the dr confirmed. He loved the setup I have in my shoes with the orthotics & padding, thinks the more I swim the better (I try for 2-3x weekly) & the 10 minutes cold water therapy every time I go to the gym is beneficial too. I am trying to lift once a week to keep some toning. My goal is to stay under 5,000 steps a day which is NUTS. After always trying to get in more steps it’s been hard to sit. I still have occasional days where I have crazy amounts of steps (like when I moved, Disney day, race day in Daytona) but I know to take it easy for a few days before & after. I have had to say no to doing some things which SUCKS but in the long run it’s not beneficial for my foot. It has been feeling ok. Even with all the walking I did Sunday. I go slow & wear my proper shoes all the time. I have another dr appt at the 8 week mark which I am hoping if all is good I’ll be able to start doing very slow controlled walking on a treadmill. He says other than judging by how it feels there is really no way to tell when it’s healed. An MRI right now won’t show enough clarity to see nor do we know if my insurance will approve it. Perhaps further down the line at 12 weeks I can inquire?

This week I have the 2nd night of cornhole playoffs. Rob & I finished in a group tie for 4th place I think out of 52 teams this season! Pretty good for playing in a new league & with teams we didn’t know I thought. Last week we made it thru to the semi finals so fingers crossed we can make it to the end. Next season I already signed us for the “upper” level so I don’t know how we’ll do, but I want to play better players who are a little more serious about the game. Some of these people were completely tanked each week! I get that they were just there for the socializing, but holy moly.

More parties this weekend. I believe Ken is coming with too. Perhaps I can get some beach time too if it warms up! Yes it’s in the 50’s today & that sucks!

Anyone else back out of a bridal party??

Ugh…I am afraid that’s what I am now considering doing.

catch up time: last Xmas holidays my good friend Jess got engaged. Yay for her! In January she asks me to be a “co” maid of honor with her other good friend. The rest of the bridal party is the 2 wives & a fiancée of the future groom’s brothers. At the time I told her I was happy for her & didn’t need such a role, but she insisted on the co-MOH thing. I spoke with the other “co” & we get along, on the same page, etc… so I think welllll perhaps this will work out ok. Jess picks the 1st Saturday of December as her wedding day & off the planning starts. She claims it won’t be a big thing, country theme setting at a barn they are renting, we get to pick our own dresses in the color she decided. I make hotel reservations for myself (places are limited in that area), find a dress she approves of ($123 so not too bad plus I can wear it again) & also cowboy boots that meet approval ($190 which I am not super thrilled about as I only might wear them again). Straight up I will tell you I do NOT like the country theme dress with boots look for me personally but hey it’s my friend so I keep my mouth shut. We go wedding dress shopping in February (just Jess & us 2 co-MOHs) & she purchases one. Venue is booked. Photographer done. Starting to figure out catering. Things are progressing nicely in March.

Early April things took a dead halt when she sends me a picture of a positive pregnancy test. WTF is what I want to say, but I don’t. She had already shared with me at the start of all this she was hoping to be a month pregnant when she walked down the aisle. That should have been my RED FLAG then! I mean how do you time that to work out?? And why the baby hurry you ask? Oh cause she was turning 39 & the hubby to be was 26 so she wanted him to have a kid of course. Granted she already has a child from another guy, but I guess that doesn’t really count?? I see her in mid-April when we go to a concert, but the baby is still a secret & people don’t know the wedding has now been put on hold. Oh the secrets a co-MOH gets to keep.

Well in early May they finally bust out the news that the wedding is on hold due to the possibility of the bambino arriving the week after the wedding. Jess actually has the nerve to ask me what dates work in the spring of 2020 “since you’re so busy”. Oh hell no you didn’t say that!?!? I gave her the fall of 2019 for wedding events & early December for her wedding. I had already started planning other things for 2020. I can’t help it you used no protection cause you thought your eggs were old & ended up knocked up faster than you planned! I said nooo you pick a date. New date – May 2, 2020. Super, I had nothing scheduled. I rebook hotels which are now double the cost for whatever reason. But hey it’s just money right?

Fast forward to end of September. I have not seen her since mid-April. All wedding plans have stopped cause it’s baby time now. The wedding isn’t even mentioned. We text every couple week basic how are you, blah blah. I eventually gave up inviting her to things or trying to do stuff together as she was always with her future in-laws. I get an invite in the mail about 2 weeks before her baby shower. Seriously? She never even mentioned it to me (but had talked to the other co-MOH about it). Apparently the future in-laws are throwing her a party. I go only to see the other co-MOH to catch up who turns out has been cast aside just as much as I have.

Now it’s mid-November. When I was flying to Vegas I get pictures of a newborn. Apparently Jess had the baby! Like 3-4 weeks early, but he still came out 7 lbs something & everything was ok so I am relieved to hear that (she was very concerned given her age the baby having problems). Again I am happy for her cause she’s getting everything she wanted.

And here we are now early December. I get a text from the co-MOH this week asking if I heard from anyone about Jess’s bachelorette party? Nope. Turns out the other bridesmaids (& Jess I assume as well) want to go to Nashville for it. Really?? Keep in mind we live in Florida so this isn’t some little road trip. She said when she went to hospital to see the baby is when Jess shared this information. Yup, that was a few weeks ago & not a peep has been mentioned to me. Nice.

So that now leaves me here saying why the fuck am I still in this wedding??

Don’t get me wrong. I am very happy for Jess! She is getting everything she hoped for & wanted. But let’s be honest…our friendship in the last year has really shifted. It was even starting before the engagement happened. I understand this happens so I am not upset & accept it for what it is. Friendships go thru cycles based on where you are in life. Having my own babies isn’t my world, but I love my friends kids. Plus Jess has always known me to be single. Maybe dating a guy for a few weeks, but nothing serious. She doesn’t even have a clue about Ken or that we’ve been together for over 6 months. I mean what does that say about our friendship?? I haven’t cared to share cause now it’s like how do you bring that up & she hasn’t asked about my dating life.

From another standpoint is I think the Nashville trip is my final straw. I don’t need to spend money because it’s my friend. That’s great if her future in-laws want to go all out & be crazy but really it wasn’t how things were planned originally. What happened to small low key? I guarantee if the wedding hadn’t be delayed there is no way this fall we would have been having a destination bachelorette party. Also, this isn’t her first rodeo. She been married (not the dad of baby #1 either). I didn’t know her then, but quite a nice wedding from what I understand. The whole deal. So she’s done the bachelorette & showers & blah blah. I now see why her parents were lukewarm about all this from the get go. They have done it. And now you’ve got the baby here before the wedding anyways so why are we keeping anything traditional at this point?

I guess that last part isn’t so much aimed at Jess, but me getting more cynical of people & their 2nd, 3rd, even 4th weddings that are giant parties & blow outs. Do we just get married every 5 years so we can have a party & get gifts? At a certain point it’s ridiculous to keep expecting your family & friends to keep paying for it again. I know the excuse will be well it’s the groom’s first go round. Well I am sorry but he knew going in you already had done all this so this shouldn’t be news to him.

OMG. I know this was crazy long, but I have been keeping it all bottled in cause I have no one to share it with. Poor Ken listens to some of it when I am like “holy crap guess what”, but he’s a guy who thinks it’s all a waste. lol It feels good to just get it all out of my head!

now back to the topic: has anyone backed out of a bridal party? How did it go? Like a sinking ship in a ball of fire? Did you still go to the wedding a guest?  I feel like when she brings up the bachelorette party will be when I need to let her know.

I don’t want her to not go to Nashville (or anywhere else) if that’s what she wants now, but straight up it’s not the bachelorette party I (or the other “co”) had envisioned. Plus I know a lot of local people wouldn’t be able to go so does that mean we’d have another party back here in Florida? And the showers? When does it end? It all just starts to add up fast!!! I am not in a position to afford all this for myself not to mention I am sure we’d be taking on her costs too. And we haven’t even gotten to the actual wedding yet…dress alteration, hair, nails, makeup, hotel, etc… Plus the time commitment. I am starting to realize “we” the bridal party are being stuck with the set up & clean up of the wedding at this rented facility (more added hotel costs for me stay out there). Yeah no thanks. You want to rent a barn in nowhere that has nothing then you can pay or figure out the set-up without turning your friends into servants. I am glad her 3 future in-laws are so involved in all this decision making as they can just go ahead with it now how they want since they have taken over it seems.

How are you going to finish the year?

 S T R O N G

Yup. My favorite slogan for the last 2 months of the year is back again. lol So far nobody has punched me in the face, but I have really been keeping to myself lately cause things have been a little hectic. So much has happened since I last checked in.

It all sort of snowballed together. I was going to start looking in January for new housing, but the roomie informed me near the end of October that her son & his wife AND 2 small children would be moving in mid-November for a few weeks while they were between houses. Umm WTF?? It’s only a 2 bedroom 2 bath villa I share with her so apparently her plan was to go live with a friend and I was going to live with some random family (they were all cramming in the master bedroom) that I don’t know or have met. Unbelievable. The way she presented it I figured my best bet was to smile & go along with things and to immediately start my housing search with a goal of being out of there the end of November. Since she was dropping bombs (don’t forget the house is still at 79*) I figured I really didn’t need to give much notice when I did find new housing.

About this time Ken & I had already had our relationship wtf is going on here talk. We seem to be on the same page so it’s time to move forward with resolving his situation, right? I gave him some numbers for family lawyers to call & meet (he asked for some assistance). I started looking for new housing which wasn’t really successful to start, but I have learned to be patient with it. I hadn’t shared with him my housing was going ka-put faster than I had anticipated & he was there when I got a return call finally from a potential landlord for a place. Which led to another conversation. Apparently I had reached not caring mode with him as I laid it all out. I said I was moving & he wouldn’t be welcome where I was going as most places have roommate rules. I pointed out it had been almost 2 weeks since I gave him the lawyer numbers & he had done nothing. I was moving forward & no longer stalling out. I guess he must of thought abut it cause in the next week he made a consultation for us to meet a lawyer. I was surprised honestly.

Also during this time I was addressing the issues with my feet. The warts on the left foot toes were now being seen by a dermatologist who froze them off the first visit. Holy shit! They wouldn’t numb my toes & I wasn’t prepared for how much it hurt afterwards. The follow up care for that was to use Compound W & wrap it with duct tape which I had to redo every 3 days roughly. I kid you not. Welcome to my Wal Mart health care but gosh dang it’s working!! I only wish I had known sooner to start it. Over 6 weeks later & the warts are just about gone! I opted not to freeze again the little bit left & am wrapping with duct tape/Compound W still so it’s taking longer, but I am fine with that. The right foot I found an orthopedic dr for. Got an MRI done mid-November that shows there is a tear under my 2nd toe. FINALLY SOME ANSWERS! He said no surgery & it will heal just with rest. Greeeeaaaat. I did the Las Vegas 10K the next weekend & haven’t done anything since. Kickball ended for the year. My main gym membership expired & I won’t renew until this is better. The gym with the pool I am keeping so I can swim at least 3x a week. So now I have in some ways a lot of free time on my hands, but luckily with the holidays I am keeping occupied.

So the meeting with the lawyer came & went. Honestly I had no idea what to expect. Ken was a bit freaked before & I was calm, but that changed when we walked out of there. She was very nice & answered a lot of basic questions. How things “could” go, what might happen, state laws, etc… She was pricey though & I wasn’t sure if totally in Ken’s corner from some of her comments. Like get on our side, we’re paying you. I was told by friends the same thing & to meet with another lawyer. So that’s where we sit. Waiting for Ken to call lawyer #2 for a consult. It’s been almost 2 weeks & he hasn’t done it. I am afraid now that he met with a lawyer & got some basic info (like she can’t touch his retirement or the house) he feels ok so isn’t moving forward anymore. Yeah I get it. Life is going to suck when you start this. Yeah the holidays aren’t the best of times but when is it. Yeah she’s going to be a crazy bitch cause what free loader wants to pay bills suddenly. Yeah the kids may not be super happy. Or who knows maybe they will be cause their life is a fucking mess right now anyways? But this isn’t working for me. We have been together over 6 months now. Come the fuck on. Start doing what you told me you would do. And it’s not working for you either being unhappy so make a change.

But I continued to move forward. I moved out Thanksgiving weekend to a new house. It’s actually back in the hood where I lived with Larry a few years ago so that makes me happy. A girl I met thru the gym last spring offered her spare room up. She’s between jobs so it’s helping her too. But it’s a total girl house. Her, me, her 15 yo daughter part time & a girl dog. Hahaha!! I told her 3-6 months, but to let me know if I need to go sooner as I don’t want to cause issues. Ken did help me move. I appreciated it since I haven’t really shared with people I was. So he knows where my new place it, but isn’t aware there are rules (like he’s not allowed when her daughter is over which I totally understand).

And finally it looks like the braces are perhaps fingers crossed in the final stages!!! I have started meeting with another dentist for the work after they come off. Yes I just LOVE going to appointments all the time. Thank goodness I have sick time with my job to use or it would never be happening. The new dentist quoted me $10k (yeah you read that right) for her suggestions of what to do. After I about keeled over I was like slow the boat let’s re-evaluate. I spoke with my orthodontist yesterday & he has some other ideas I am going to look into. The braces are coming off in February still I believe & I want to wait at least 6 months before I do anything. Both offices have told me I don’t need to hurry into the next step. I think taking the braces off for a bit & just seeing what I like or don’t like will help me decide. And truthfully I may decide it’s all good just the way it is!

So that’s about the last 6 weeks in a nutshell. Been trying not to stress or get wound up about stuff I can’t control. Things are moving forward though. I don’t want to take the shit into 2020 so it’s cleaning house time. AND I WILL FINISH STRONG.

Got some thinking to do

I have some thinking to do here with Ken & how we move forward. We are reaching the 5 month mark in dating. We get along great & have a good time when we’re together. But that’s still the problem…we never have time “together”. We recently went 3 weeks without seeing each other, hung out for 24 hours & then went another 9 days without seeing each other. WE LIVE IN THE SAME TOWN. This isn’t some long distance so many miles apart deal. I have expressed to him this isn’t the type of relationship I want & not seeing each other for weeks isn’t going to work for me.

The end of September we did have a relationship talk if you will. Via phone of course cause this was during one of those gaps of not seeing each other. Where is this going? What is happening? How in this are you? Nothing about his situation has changed. The roommate is still (happily?) living in his home. She & his kids have no idea I exist. Hell…even his own mother who I have met before (we vacationed in Jamaica together on that group trip last year) doesn’t know. To me that says a lot right there. He needs to meet with a lawyer to figure out what is happening & how he can change the situation. But he won’t even take that step!! I don’t get it. How can you continue to live as miserable & unhappy as you claim to be yet do NOTHING to even attempt to change the situation? At least go HEAR what a lawyer has to say so you have an idea instead of guessing or assuming that it’s out of reach for you. I don’t want to be an ass, but for Christ sake grow a set & start making some choices. I did tell him he’s an ostrich & he totally agreed he sticks his head in the sand.

This weekend is his last serious race of the year so I haven’t brought the topic up again. That’s just obnoxious cause I used to date somebody that would pick fights with me when I was trying to do my events. Like can’t you wait til I am done & can focus? So I would never do that him knowing how it feels. But I need to find out if he’s going to do anything coming up or not. It’s not fair. I have been committed to him & done as he requested (he said “no sharing” when we talked a few months back), but he hasn’t upheld his end I feel. It’s becoming harder for me to be real to myself also. I shared this with my therapist yesterday:

When you have a 0 expectation level you’re not disappointed. But then you also start not caring since you have emotionally removed yourself. And then that gets dangerous.

To protect myself from getting hurt or too involved I have had to keep my expectation level at nothing. So I don’t care. Or at least I have to make myself not care so that I am not upset or stressed. Which is unrealistic long term because the feelings are so numb I can walk away OR stay & I feel completely indifferent. I hate feeling that way! If I am with someone I want to be with them & have emotions. If we are dating I have some expectation levels of things especially as we date longer & it’s not fair he’s getting out of it. There has been some shit along the way I would have called him out on or never let him get away with BUT since there’s no expectation I can’t really complain can I? And what I have allowed will continue unless I stop it. I mean you can’t really blame the dog for peeing in the house if you’ve never made him have to pee outside.

The next week or 2 is going to prove very interesting as I ponder some more & take in situations. Would I love things to work out with Ken? Of course! I haven’t felt this “click” in a very long time with someone. But I am also not going to be stupid & stand by for years seeing if he’s going to do anything. I knew a girl who waited over 8 years for this guy to acknowledge & be with her. All the while he ran around living his life having a grand time & was a total schmuck to her as she stood by waiting for any crumbs he would toss her way to keep her around. Well, I assume they are together cause we eventually lost contact while she was still waiting for him to get it together so hopefully it all finally worked out for her. BUT I WILL NOT BE THAT GIRL. I refuse to be.