Tag Archives: growth

Weekend getaway revelations

I type this as I’m flying back south after a weekend visit to Chicago. Less than 48 hours there, but an interesting trip for me. The reason for this trip was the wedding (the bachelorette party from last month) & as a bonus I got to see my dad for Father’s Day!

It started Friday after work. First flight was fine. Delays all over at the next airport which wasn’t affecting me initially, but eventually my flight was 40 minutes late leaving. Whatever. I wasn’t in a time crunch & I wasn’t going to be bothered by something I can’t control. Holy cow other people were super pissed though so I enjoyed dinner at my gate & some late evening entertainment! I landed really late, got my Lyft & made it to the hotel by 1:30am so not too bad. Yay!

Saturday morning after being up over 20 hours & with the time change I only got a few hours nap we’ll call it. Since it was 8am & I didn’t have to be ready for the wedding shuttle til 3pm…I went to the hotel gym. I know? Who the fuck am I?? I have become the weird person who works out AND LIKES IT on vacations. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I then went to breakfast at the restaurant & enjoyed a leisurely meal before I went back to nap some more & get ready. I pondered the pool but it was indoors and didn’t have good chairs to read or sleep on.

As I sat there eating breakfast I realized how much I have changed. I came all by myself on this trip (not even meeting up with my BFF as my wedding date), hadn’t spoke to anyone (outside of hotel or airport interactions) since I left work Friday & was actually doing things (not just hiding in my room) AND I WAS OK WITH IT. Ding ding. Wow big girl moment! I dare say I felt quite at ease and comfortable with my own company. I am always surprised when people tell me they won’t do things on their own cause it makes me then wonder how little I would be doing if I hadn’t adopted the just do it mentality 5+ years ago? Honestly I didn’t always feel comfortable or I’d feel very self conscious doing things solo especially if it was a couples or group type thing but I just kept pushing myself to go rather than miss out. Eventually I just ignored the feelings & did whatever it was. But this was the first time I honestly could say I was comfortable with being by myself.

Finally!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The wedding Saturday by the way was amazing! It was outside at an estate in a very upscale area and all top notch. I got to see the girls I met last month all gussied up plus several friends I hadn’t caught up with since I moved so it was very enjoyable. The bride & groom were a beautiful couple and I am so happy everything was perfect for them! Except the bloody heat & humidity. It was sweltering sitting there for the ceremony so I can only imagine how the wedding party felt standing. Seriously I never want to hear anyone bitch about Florida heat again! I mean if you are in the center of the state or some shithole area by all means but you brought that on yourself honey. I live on the Gulf & we have breezes and there’s never been a triple digit day. Now the Chicagoland area…they are having severe heat watch or whatever they call it & it’s like the face of the sun trying to breathe. I don’t miss any of that! I’m so happy to be on the plane headed south right now 🤣

I was a bum this morning. I considered working out again, but that would make 4 days in a row when I get home which I’ve learned doesn’t work for me. I need a recovery day if I want my workouts to be effective. My parents picked me up at the hotel & we went for Father’s Day lunch on the way to the airport. I was so happy to see my Dad today as I haven’t gotten to spend it with him in the 5 years since I moved. Plus I haven’t seen him since November for his birthday. We talk on the phone and stay in touch regularly but it’s just not the same. The parents are going on a vacation next week but I encouraged Dad at least (mom’s working) to come visit even for a few days after that so maybe.

All in all it was a great trip! I realized I’ve had a lot of personal growth which is good to see. I’m happy to be heading home though. I upped my gym membership this month & I’m having my food delivered again this week. I need to get back on track for my weight goals. I was so close and the last 2 weeks its gotten ugly. 😖 All on me & I know it so time to get serious again. The 4th of July is mygoal now!

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it’s closing in…

My birthday that is!!!

Flirting with 40 is almost over with less than 2 days to go. Which makes me a little sad cause when I started this blog is felt like 40 was still a bit off, but time has just flown by. There have been of course big ups & downs. A few tears too, but honestly more laughter. SO MUCH LAUGHTER. I have grown so much as a person & really started to figure out who I am. I have let go of friendships that were no longer healthy for me. I now know that that is ok to do as different phases of life bring in different types of people. I have met so many more wonderful people who have all helped me grow & learn about myself in some way big or small. Some of those people continue to still be in my life while others have already passed thru. My core circle of friends although small is rock solid & I know they are the people who will go to war with me. And isn’t that what one really needs? To know you have even just 1 or 2 people that so believe in you & want good things for you so that when you forget they are there to remind you. Those are MY people.

Why couldn’t I have started down this path 10 years ago? But I suppose that is what your 30’s are for. Trying to find who you are & becoming ok with it. I am excited for my 40’s. More adventures. More laughter. More travel. More friends. Hopefully more love. I really do believe I will meet the right man. I know there will be more tears, but that only means I am trying. Not everything is always a success & there will be failures except I now feel better prepared to handle them.

It’s been a year 

A year ago I hit rock bottom & knew I needed help. I know everyone has different ideas of what that is, but for me…throwing up everyday, couldn’t stop losing weight, feeling out of control yet so tired, not giving a shit yet so over analyzing to exhaustion, being numb inside with a smile on the outside & basically just being a zombie for the last 6 months. 

I knew it was beyond me helping myself. The pep talks weren’t working. The “get your shit together” & “he’s not worth it” mantras weren’t helping me. Bless my friends who stuck by me & for loving me no matter how crazy I acted. I felt defeated, beat down, helpless. I needed change and it was going to take help to achieve it.

I found a primary care dr & got myself a physical. She put me on the Xanax. I didn’t want just meds to solve the situation…I wanted to know how to handle the issues so I (hopefully) never found myself in this spot again. I found a therapist I liked & started addressing the issues. I joined a gym. I was so skinny I needed some strength (I’ll be vain & say that WAS a perk of all this was I looked smokin hot for my 20 year reunion!). Mentally strong as well as physically which my amazing trainers have offered. I needed to reevaluate my circle of friends and acquaintances. The wolf pack as I called them became smaller, but I invested more in those relationships and know who I can count on. They are still standing with me today while the others have fallen wayside. I joined a church. I’m not the most consistent attendee, but I have opened my heart & mind which has allowed me to see so many of the blessings I have. Plus it’s an amazing group of people to be around! I have repaired & improved the relationship with my parents which was huge. 

None of this was easy. It took me months to accomplish those things & then find a routine that worked for me. It’s still not easy at times when I feel something starting to unravel, but I have learned how to recognize & get myself back on track. I have eliminated “crazy” from my life in any form & I avoid it at all costs. It’s just not worth having it! I really have learned what anxiety is too. I realize now this isn’t something that happened to me over night. Looking back starting in my teens I see where there were times it was affecting me but I was able to channel it better or actually even hide it in some ways without even knowing what was wrong with me. Bless my mom for she was clueless…she would just tell me to suck it up if I faltered or showed weakness. Having relocated to a new area and not having any support system so when “bad” things would happen left me totally exposed. No routine, no security, no way to cope…no wonder I fell apart.

It’s a work in progress. Right now I’m in a good place which feels great! When it starts to get rough I give myself a timeout to regroup. The last few months have definitely had some up & downs to work thru. I still deep inside sometimes see the hot mess of a year ago, but slowly that girl is starting to fade. Life is good. 😊

Hump day ho hums

Blah the rain. Yes we needed it. Yay we are ok longer a high fire risk. The grass is green & growing. But come on…since last Thursday night it’s been on/off & starting Monday pretty much all day rain. ☔️ So over it. I miss the sun. I miss my activities. I would like to not be wearing my raincoat all the time. 🙄

Monday started out with me driving to work & a low tire pressure light going on. On the tire I just replaced 6 weeks ago. Work was a bit of a shit show cause apparently people didn’t do things while I was gone which made meeting the deadlines that day insane. I left work & hauled ass to the car dealership so they could look at the tire. Turns out another nail (WTF??!!) and the computer needs to be adjusted cause it was the other side that was flat (not the side it was saying). Again wtf??? Thank goodness again for that extra tire warranty cause that’s another $400 I didn’t have to shell out when they ordered the tire. 🙏 I then headed to the gym where my face & jaw was starting to hurt so much I half assed it just get it done. I apologized to my awesome trainer…she knows when I’m not right & isn’t a jerk about it. I had taken a pain pill at work early, but I can’t drive on them so couldn’t take another. Got home, made dinner & went to bed! 👊

Tuesday more rain. More of the same work crap (still catching up). But changed my dinner plans when cornhole cancelled! My favorite local event is going on…restaurants offer fixed menus for a low price for 2 weeks. Usually these are upscale or places I never go so trying to get to a few new ones again this year. Except my frigging tooth pain is really putting a damper on things!! Nevertheless I was determined last night to eat & it was fabulous. Had a good time catching up with my gf & her bf. One of my favorite stores is having their semi annual sale so I stopped there & can you believe I found exactly what I have been looking for?? On sale??!! That never happens so it made for a much improved day!! And I got a cute new dress for peanuts at the thrift store on lunch break. Day improving. 👍

Today again it’s raining. Yeah shocker. 😂 I’m hitting the gym after work & then home. I need an early night to catch up. My tooth is still hurting & it’s been a week so I’m thinking there is something else wrong? I have a follow up dental appointment tomorrow.

Good news…William & I have continued to stay in touch. He’s back in Seattle, but coming home Sunday so we’re doing dinner that night. Date #2!! I’m trying not to be too excited or get ahead, but I am looking forward to seeing him & spending actual time together. It’s been almost a month we’ve been “talking” yet have only met that one time. Which is really weird for me (I’ve never done anything like this before) although I like it! How crazy is that? Things are moving slow which is good right now cause I have a lot of my own stuff going on. Fingers crossed 🤞 

It’s been a year… 

Since I defurnished my house, started trying to rent it, went on Craigslist for new housing & moved. Wow. It’s gone fast. And it feels like a lot has happened. I’ve moved another time since. I’ve learned a lot about who I am. I’ve put weight back on. I’ve been on & off the meds. I’ve made a new social circle(s) of friends. I’ve joined a gym (and actually like it!). I’m in therapy. I’m learning how to handle life & what I can control. I’ve learned to cut out people who aren’t beneficial to have around. I’ve done some traveling. I have actually been saving money. I’m recognizing when to have “me” time and why it’s important. I’m attempting to date again. I’m trying new things. I’m putting myself out there even if I might fail.

I guess that is a lot I’ve done the last year! Still a work in progress. Still growing. Which is good cause one should never stop.

Here’s to more good times & having faith in the rough times that it won’t last forever! 🥂

Checking back in

So I’ve fallen off the writing wagon. Which was bad cause the past few months have had some amazing blog worthy moments & because I’m sure at times I really could have used the writing therapy. Honestly sometimes it’s just such a PITA to type on my iPhone that I just wasn’t into it. But I’m back. Again. Lol

So let’s see…checking my last post was right after I moved to the new house in November (gosh it’s been that long??) so we’ll start there. It’s going well! The new roommate Larry is great. I was straight up this is business & I don’t mix it when he suggested his friend asking me out or things like that. Just not going down that path. Nope. Nada. No thanks. We get along great, don’t see much of each other & it’s working! Lol. No really I do like it a lot. I basically have the half of the house for my bedroom and bathroom so space wise it’s great. Location wise it’s worked out so much better that I anticipated. I’m closer to work, friends, activities, gym, places I like to go. Not that I was far before but now we’re talking minutes which is fab! Him & his gf seem to have drama. GF & I do get along which is nice cause she can be the crazy jealous type but I also made it very clear to her from the get go this is a living business situation & anyways I don’t go after taken men (unlike quite a few sluts in this town). Larry & I recently had a talk to touch base about things and both of us are happy with the situation. Yay!!

Cornhole…my partner & I ended up winning the series for our level!!! Who would have thought?? We wore panda onesie suits (it was cold by FL standards that night so good thing) for laughs & we rocked our way to the top!!! It was a blast & I’m grateful he played the season with me. Then the 2nd season of cornhole started & I returned to playing with a previous partner (who is so much better than I). We didn’t have the best regular season but come play off night we both really got our shit together and shocker…we won!! This time it was against the higher level players (including my FL brothers) so it was huge for me on a personal level!! I have been between seasons now & haven’t started playing again. 

Kickball had been good. I love having plans on Friday nights. If I want to go out after I totally still can or most of the times we end up just hanging out at the ball fields laughing & yakking & watching other games. It’s a really nice way to wind down after the week & catch up with friends. Plus some have their kids there so we play games or cook out. Again proving you don’t have to be shit faced in a bar to have a good time!

Remember my tooth problems??? Well that finally got resolved the day before xmas when I had my wisdom teeth on the left side removed. Excellent drugs! And it was nice to spend the holiday in a haze to be honest. Unfortunately it was the only opening for like a month so I had to take it. Sucked to use my holidays off from work like that but not much could be done. My roommate was out of town & the dentist office wouldn’t accept Uber as a “responsible party” since I was getting totally knocked out (oh yeah this was real surgery it turned out) so my mom flew down to take care of me. The parents were coming anyways so she came a few days before Dad to handle me. Hahahaha!!! Bless her heart.

Speaking of parents…our relationship has continued to improve. Obviously they are happy POS is gone. We are improving communications & it’s a work in progress I say. I love them & I know they love me. Really I am quite blessed.

I still see my therapist monthly. She’s the bomb! We talk about whatever has happened, what is coming, you name it. I really believe she has helped me see things in new ways (especially how I see myself) & dealing with situations. I was still on the Prozac until start of February. I had been feeling pretty good for awhile & it’s not something I want to depend on forever. So I did a bunch of research on the internet (yeah I know super reliable), but since I was on the lowest dose possible and not for super long I felt ok trying it. I found basically a list of things you should have in order to stop taking it which I did cold turkey. And being honest…I feel ok. I do have about a week worth of Prozac & my original sleeping pills (which I’ve only taken 2 of) should things start to go backwards. But the key is I know my signs now when the anxiety is spiraling & I haven’t reached those levels. I’m not saying I don’t get anxious or have issues, but I’m better equipped now to handle them & not be bothered so much it affects me.

Still going to the gym. I celebrated my 6 months!!! I have to say that has been a huge positive step for me. 1–it’s physically healthy for me. Even though I’ve put on weight (too much) I am probably in the best shape I’ve been my adult life. I want to lose 10 pounds (the healthy way, not anxiety-ed out throwing up stress my life is a mess way) which my trainers feel is very reasonable with a few diet changes (I got really bad eating soft mushy crap carby sugar shit when my tooth pain was bad for so long) & an increase in activity. 2–it’s mentally healthy for me to go work out. I enjoy it, I’m feeling more confident, it is a stress reliever. I go after work on Mondays & Thursdays so it’s a good way to laugh off things plus we know how I love a routine. 3–I have met a great group of people. They aren’t the “culty” gym which is pretty common in this area. They are so supportive of one another & friendly & fun. We go out to hear bands, dinners & drinks, events. I’ve even met some great girlfriends which is nice. I love all my “brothers” but actually having girlfriends now is so nice.

The dating scene…let’s just say Tinder is interesting. Hahahaha!!! But I’ll wait til next time for all that.

But life overall is good! I survived 2016 which was a shit-tastic year (and not just for me but many others I know too) & am determined 2017 will be amazing. In so many ways!